My Boyfriend is Crazy

The new blog has arrived!

2006-12-22T00:52:00.000-05:00

As much as I am sick of telling people the details of the breakup, I did it for you. It's the last post.

My new blog (!) is:

The Accidental Bitch ~ http://theaccidentalbitch.blogspot.com

I would be honored if you read it. I would also be honored if those who link to me changed their link (or added this new one).

This blog has been solely about my relationship - the new one is about all of me. Scary.

Details on the breakup

2006-12-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

I kept promising "boyfriend" I would email him what I wanted over the break. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted him to just change his mind.

I took a nap on Sunday and dreamt that "boyfriend" dumped me through one of my best friends and told me he didn't want me to come visit him... ever. And then showed up and flirted with other girls in front of me. I woke up feeling sick and when I looked at my phone saw that he had called while I was asleep. I texted him: "I just had a bad dream about you." He wrote back "What happened?" I briefly explained, and then he called me. He said he would call me at 10 when he got off work, and I promised to send an email to him so he could read it before he called.

I drafted the, then called my dad because I had no idea if the email made sense. It basically said that I wanted him to change his mind and we could work something out, and if he wasn't going to change his mind I wasn't willing to be his sort-of girlfriend for a month before I returned to school. I read the email to him over the phone and waited for his response, which was that I wasn't acknowledging the choice he had already made: to break up.

When I got off the phone, I realized that this was true: I was acting as though he had said "I'm going to think about breaking up with you." Why wasn't I taking him seriously? Maybe because of the fact that he continued to send me texts that said "I miss you" and told me "I love you" and "I still want to be with you." Maybe because he kept telling me that he wanted to see me for Christmas and give me the 3 year anniversary present and visit me for when I get my surgery. I mean, is that something that an ex does if they really want to break up?

Well, even if he couldn't decide what he wanted, that wouldn't be good enough for me. I wanted someone who was sure they wanted to be with me. And if they didn't, they should back the fuck off. How selfish is it to break up with somebody and then say "I still want to be with you?" I'm going to say VERY.

My internet wasn't working, so I texted him to tell him that we could just talk on the phone. When he called, he wasn't sure how to start the conversation, so I did.

"I just want to know what you want for after the break."

"I want to be open to anything, and have a relationship that's low maintenance. Like, if we don't talk every day it would be fine."

I was puzzled. Had he broken up with me because he thought I was stubborn and didn't want to work on anything? "I'd be willing to work out a way for us to be together and have both of us be happy," I offered. "As long as we don't see other people I'm open to anything."

Apparently that was the one thing he wanted to change. He wanted us to be able to date other people, which is what he had meant by "open to anything." (so... not new sex positions)

"Well then I guess I can't be with you," I responded. "In any capacity."

I told him I wouldn't date him over the break (that's confusing), I wouldn't be a "sort of" girlfriend. I told him I wouldn't wait for a year and a half to be with him, if that's what he thought was going to happen.

"No," he said, "I don't expect you to. I wouldn't wait for you either."

Whoa. I know it's probably true, but did I ask him to wait for me? No. Did he break up with me? Yes. So why did he feel it necessary to throw that at me? Not cool.

"Um, okay" I responded. We then agreed to see each other once while I'm in town, to say goodbye.

"I feel bad that I can't come see you for Christmas" he confessed at one point.

"Why?" I asked, very annoyed. He breaks up with me and then feels guilty for not spending time with me?

"You said it would mean a lot to you," he said.

Ah, yes. I had said that while I was drunk on the phone with him after he offered to come see me. Back when I thought he was going to change his mind.

"It's okay" I told him.

"I just have work on Christmas Eve until 5pm and then family stuff. I have two families." He clearly felt the need to make excuses.

"So do I," I reminded him. "And I spent Christmas with you two years."

"Yeah, well I came to visit you at your dad's for Thanksgiving in North Carolina that one time," he countered.

"Once!" I responded angrily. "And I spent $380 on a flight to come see you for our 3 year anniversary!"

Sounding disgusted, he replied "Let's not turn this into a contest over who has spent more time and money on the other."

Yeah, because you'll lose, I thought. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all of that."

He accepted my apology (sort of) without offering his own, and then we got on to particulars. "I come home the 28th and the 30th. My mom's birthday is the 28th."

"Okay, so I'll see you on the 30th then." I wanted to get off the phone with him.

He seemed confused by this, as though he was considering spending time with me on his mom's birthday. And then: "Do you still want me to come down for your surgery on the 5th?"

Seriously? "I don't know," I said, "if you want to come you can, but I'm not asking you to."

"Okay, good. I'm going to come then," he said. Maybe he would feel like he had broken up with me less if he showed me he still cared about me in some way. Or maybe he really still cares about me and doesn't realize what it means to be an ex boyfriend.

We both realized we had nothing much to talk about. "Until the 30th," I asked, "do you want to talk, or what?" I asked.

"I don't know," he responded irritably, "I don't have all the answers. This is as new to me as it is to you."

What the fuck ever, I thought. I was just asking him what he wanted. You know, to be considerate? We said a few things and then when we were about to get off the phone, he said nervously "So do you want to talk at all before the 30th?"

Seriously? Didn't you just yell at me for asking you the same question? "I don't know," I said quickly, "you can call me or email if you want and I'll do the same if I want." I already knew that I wouldn't be doing it.

"Is there anything else you want to say?" He asked.

"I guess not, you?"

"No."

"Wait," I said right before we hung up. "I want to make sure that a few things are clear." Even though I thought I had covered it, I didn't want to take any chances. "I can't have you doing things that are confusing. We can't be together during the break because it's confusing. We can't kiss or anything like that because it's confusing." I started to tear up at this point. "And, hearing you say sweet things is beautiful and all, but it really ruins my life so you can't do that anymore."

"Like what?" He asked.

"Things like 'I love you,' 'I miss you,'" I tried to think of more to add, things that he would text me all the time. " 'you're pretty,'" I realized how easily I could cross the line into things like "Bruce misses you."

But he cut me off after 'you're pretty.' "I get it," he said, sounding pissed off. I hadn't even said anything out of line!

We got off the phone and I tried to hold back tears while AW (who was visiting and had been watching a movie during our phone call) walked over to give me a hug. She pulled out a bottle of apple cider and I bitched for a while.

"Boyfriend" didn't email or text or call for a while. I wasn't torn to pieces like I had been in October when he asked for an open relationship. That one had surprised me. This one, I was ready for and agreed with. He didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated, he wanted other things, and I wasn't okay with that. I was glad he had helped me see it so much more clearly than when we were together, when he insisted that his feelings for me grew deeper every day and he would love me forever even when it was a lie.

On Wednesday, I was at my computer creating my new blog when I got an IM from him. I considered ignoring it but didn't. He told me what was going on with him, (Loser 1 kicking Loser 2 out of their house, etc) and I responded minimally. Then he said:

"...sorry...i just needed to get this stuff off my chest, and i know things aren't going well with us, but i still feel like i can talk to you, and i want to"

It came out of the blue and I was nowhere near expecting it. "Things aren't going well with us"? That's what you say when you're in a fight. Things are over with us, I corrected. In my head. I wrote simply

"understandable"

Then he said he had to go and that he would talk to me soon.

The more I thought about his little apology, the more angry I got. You can't break up with someone and then go to them to tell all your problems. I'm not a shoulder to lean on when it's convenient while you go fuck other people. Just because you're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't mean that you can act like you're my boyfriend when it suits you.

At least I know what's what now and I've got some clarity. Time for my new blog!

New blog update

2006-12-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

Update:

The new blog is going to be named Men Are Crazy.

However, the acronym MAC... well, it reminds me of this old lady at the retirement home I worked in, and all I can think of is how much I hated her. And don't want to be an old lady.

As soon as I stop thinking about her, I start thinking things like "MAC daddy. But I'm a girl, so... MAC mamma? That's awful. I'm not anybody's mamma, under any circumstances. Unless I had a kitten!"

Then: "MAC = apple computers. I am NOT an apple computer."

I think everyone understands. Also, I don't want to define my name by men (see where it got me in the past?). Although... this wouldn't be a specific man like before. So.. basically I can't decide, and without a name, how can I start a new blog?

Any advice appreciated.

Seriously though, it's over

2006-12-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

Quick update:

"Boyfriend" and I are broken up - for reals. I'll post more details soon, but I'm serious. So serious that I'm starting a new blog. I'll post more info when I have it! :)

Steps forward...ish?

2006-12-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

Of course there are so many thoughts flying around in my mind that I can't begin to put them all in here. And I've talked to so many people that I feel like I'm repeating myself yet again here.

Boyfriend (I guess he still is, in my head at least) IMed me on Saturday telling me that he was free to talk. We debated for a minute or two over whether to talk on the phone or online, and eventually he called me and solved that quandry. He tried to start out with "How are you doing?" which I thought was thoughtful but selfish. Of course I'm not doing so great; are you calling to listen to me bawl about how amazing you are?

I didn't give him that satisfaction. I asked him what he wanted to do; to talk or not, see each other or not and all that jazz. Of course, he didn't have any answers. He just asked me what I wanted. Of course, I didn't have any answers. And there we were.

I asked him why he decided to end it, and he said it was because he couldn't deal with the distance... not itself, but what it had done to our relationship. That he wasn't able to deal with problems when we are apart, and that he didn't think we would stop having problems.

And of course, he told me that he still wanted to be with me. He still wanted to end up with me, and if I was there he would still want to move in with me... So... he wanted everything I wanted except not.

I asked him if he had ever cheated on me because, thanks to my readers, the idea had been lurking in the paranoid part of my mind. I hadn't ever believed he would, just because I was pretty sure. Sometimes you just feel like you know. He told me he hadn't ever cheated on me, but that when we were broken up for two weeks earlier this year he had kissed a girl.

Then I asked him what he was going to make me for the anniversary. He said he didn't want to tell me because he was almost done with it and he still wanted to give it to me. Of course. He wanted to break up with me and then give me a gift. How clear of him. He kept talking about how he wanted to still give it to me, and I remained silent. When I hadn't responded for a while, he told me: he was recording a CD for me.

A CD? My guess had been a song. "A full CD?" I asked.

"Well, about six songs," he responded.

"Did you write any of them?"

"There are a few covers and a couple that I wrote."

Crap. A beautiful gift. He's not a total asshole. And even worse, I totally understand why he wants to break up. And then the other dilemma. Do we want to see each other over the break?

"I can't hang out with you just as friends; it's too hard," he said. But he said he couldn't decide if he wanted to see me. He sounded like he wanted to.

I told him I had no idea if I should see him, even if I wanted to, just because I didn't know what I wanted.

"I still want to come see you before you get your surgery," he said.

Again, I asked why. He apparently wants to be there for me. Great!

And what about after the break, when we're apart again? Did he want to talk? "Of course, I still want to have some kind of connection and keep in touch and know what's going on in each others' lives."

As friends, or as what? "What would be the difference between us being friends or more?" I asked him. "Would you call me back when I call you, email me back, talk to me?"

"Of course," he said.

So... what exactly was changing? Everything, nothing. We got off the phone with no plan at all. Neither of us has contacted each other yet.

After consulting my wise friend, The Actress, I decided that seeing him over the break might not be an awful idea. Especially since it would give us a chance to decide what to do and see each other in person at least once more. The goal here would not be to get back together, but to see each other after looking forward to it for so long. And it would probably only be a few times, so my plan isn't exactly to regress into spending every waking moment with him.

Every time something like this happens, I understand his point of view so much better and forget why mine was so important. Why couldn't I recognize that we're separate people with busy lives who can have a meaningful relationship without talking all the time? Did I ruin our ability to connect by making certain things such a big deal? And even if I did tell him I was ready to be more relaxed, he probably wouldn't believe me. So... taking at least some time off seems kind of essential. Maybe then something could change.

Of course all of these thoughts sound dangerous... so I'm avoiding making a decision about how to deal with this until we see each other and see how that goes. It's kind of hard to decide to move on or give up when the person you love is so indecisive themselves.

You can't text-message breakup

2006-12-08T20:21:00.000-05:00

The day after boyfriend revealed that he wasn't all that interested in maintaining a connection with me, he tried calling me but I was in the library so I didn't pick up. His message just said "Call me back, love you bye." I called him and he didn't answer so I left him a message, just saying I was calling him back.

The next day, I received a text from him:
"Hey baby sorry I didn't call back I went to be early last night. Love you"

After he's made such a huge deal about me chilling out when he forgets to call or waits a long time to talk to me, I was surprised and frustrated by his attentiveness. Why did he always become so attentive only when something was wrong? I wasn't being fooled. I also wasn't sure what I wanted to do still, so I decided not to talk to him until I had cleared my thoughts.

When he called me that night, I had fallen asleep and didn't get his message until the next morning. In it, he again asked that I call him back. When I looked at my computer, I saw that he had instant messaged me saying "Are you there?" Jeez, he was being persistent. What was the deal?

In the middle of class today, I got another text from him. It read: "MBIC can you at least text me so I know you're ok?"

I wasn't sure what to tell him. Was I okay? He probably meant physically, but I honestly wasn't all that okay in general. I wanted to tell him this but wasn't sure what I wanted to come from any conversation I had with him. I decided to wait until I could figure out what to tell him.

After class, I hung out with friends for a bit, then went home and called my dad. In the middle of our conversation, L called me and told me that boyfriend had texted her to ask if I was okay. She had told him that I was. I was frustrated because I had been obsessing about my answer to him for a while. He had also had Loser 1 text me. When I got off the phone with my dad, I saw that I had three texts. One of them was from boyfriend. It read: "Well that's it MBIC. Didn't want to end it like this after 3 years. I can't deal with this anymore."

I was confused. Was this him breaking up with me, or did he still want to talk? I responded: "I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about what we talked about & I don't know what to say because I'm still upset about it & don't have a lot of time to think right now."

Him: "I don't think this is going to work. At least not now."

What did at least not now mean? I needed more information. Did he expect us to see each other during the break still? Did he want to "keep in touch," or stop talking?

I wrote: "Do you want to talk at all?"

Him: "Not today.. Work all day"

Okay... I asked if he wanted to talk at all, not today. I wrote "Okay but do you want to talk at all?"

Him: "Sure"

Me: "When would you like to talk?"

Him: "I don't know MBIC I don't have a lot of time to talk for 3 hours with work and finals on Tuesday. Next week I guess. I don't really feel like talking now anyway."

I wasn't sure we would need three hours, but I couldn't force him to talk to me. It was frustrating that he was avoiding me, though.

I wrote: "I just want to know what you want to do. When you said sure, I took that to mean yes.. I'm not trying to force you, just let me know if you want to or not"

Him: "I don't want to be together right now and I feel like I owe you an explanation. I wouldn't just stop talking to you. That's not right. I'm sure you know that."

I was surprised by this. He sounded like he was avoiding me, but pulled the "I'm a gentleman" card? Interesting... and painful. At this point, I didn't know that. I replied: "Well I'd like to talk too, it's just not my place to force you. I didn't mean to worry you, I'm sorry about that."

Him: "I don't have a lot to say."

Okay? What did that mean? And if he didn't have a lot to say, why did he foresee the conversation lasting three hours? "What do you mean?"

Him: "I don't have a lot to talk about. I'll listen to you but I've made up my mind."

What the hell?!! Did he expect me to beg him to change his mind? No fucking way. He sounded so full of himself. My only regret was that he wasn't begging me for forgiveness over how crappily he was treating me. "I'm not going to try to change your mind, just let me know if/when you'd like to talk" I wrote.

Him: "K"

A few minutes later, he wrote: "Would you want to talk in person on Friday?"

Wait a whole week? On the one hand, that was a long time to wait. On the other, it would be nice to have a meaningful conversation in person for once. I wouldn't be getting in until 10pm though, and it would be kind of crappy of me to get home with my parents to leave and have a breakup conversation. But I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't want to think about it. "Sure" I told him.

Him: "Ok"

I sort of thought we would break up, I just thought it would be over the break. I'm kind of pissed that my decision was taken away from me because he decided first, but it's also relieving in a sense.

Still... it sucks.

Oh. And...

The worst gift. Ever.

2006-12-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, so. I was still digesting boyfriend telling me that it doesn't matter to him if we don't have a connection when I went to the post office to pick up the "in-the-meantime" gift he had sent me. I saw the small package the mailroom person retrieved and for a fleeting moment thought it might be something really great, like a necklace.

It was a USB Flash Drive.

Seriously.

There was also a note, written on lined paper that had been ripped from a notebook. It read:

"Hey baby!

I got my new computer working so I'm still going to do my first idea for an anniversary gift, so I'll give you that when you come home. But this is something I'm sure you can use and I wanted to give you something now.

I love you SO much and can't wait to see you! MWA!
Love Boyfriend"

I thought it might be something really really awful, but I could never have dreamed up a worse gift. A flash drive? I had considered getting one once, and then decided against it because I thought "I would never use that."

And I don't want to make a decision too hastily, when I'm seriously emotional and pissed off. But the problem is pretty clear: he doesn't care about what happens to our relationship when we're apart. That's pretty much unforgivable.

The options I'm considering are 1) to say something before I come back, to the effect of "this is bullshit and if it doesn't change, we're over", or 2) to ignore him until I either calm down or come home. I mean... that shouldn't be a problem on his end, since he doesn't care if he talks to me.

You said "space," not "no relationship"

2006-12-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

So, after yet another disappointment I wasn't too thrilled. This was one of the first times that boyfriend had blatantly not emailed when he said he would, something that he had explicitly agreed with me on. Not only did he neglect to email me that night, he didn't email me the following day. Or call. Or text. I really hated how much control he had over my mood by way of simply doing nothing.

That night as I was going to sleep, I decided to text him. I wrote "I hope you're okay but I'm really disappointed & upset." After all, the last time we had talked, he could tell there was something wrong with me. What if my parents had died? He didn't know.

I read the text he had sent during my sleep yesterday morning: "I'm sorry I didn't email you. I was up till 2am waiting for AAA to jump my car and I had a really shitty night."

I was not about to forgive him, because this just confirmed my feelings from the day before: that I was losing my best friend. Here my "best friend" had an awful day and he didn't want to tell me about it? This was not how our relationship used to be. Furthermore, he could easily have texted me or called me sometime - ANYTIME - the following day.

When he called me last night, I didn't pick up. I was watching Boston Legal and had a friend over. I tried calling back when I sat down to finish my homework, intending to get off the phone quickly because I had a lot to do. He didn't answer but texted me to let me know he was studying on campus and would call me in about half an hour. I contemplated not picking up, but decided to just deal with it.

When he did call, I gave him abrupt answers to questions and made it clear that I was not okay. If I pretended to be fine, it would just make it worse for me. He finally asked "are you still mad at me about the email?"

I explained that I was. I also clarified: not just the email, but the following day as well. I said that it would have been nice to know how he was doing, to know that he'd had a crappy day. He said that he didn't feel like telling me how he was when I wouldn't tell him what had been troubling me the night before.

"I don't think you want to talk about it, that's why I didn't tell you what was going on."

"That's all I want to talk about," he said.

"I don't think so," I insisted. "It's about you."

He said he still wanted to talk about it. Given the green light, I explained how I felt: that he was no longer my best friend, that we were disconnected, and that it wasn't okay with me.

He told me, to my chagrin (but not surprise), that losing touch was okay with him. He separated his life from his relationship with me (I'm not a part of his life) and said that he doesn't mind losing our connection. "We always get it back when we see each other."

"How is that a relationship?" I asked.

"I don't know, it just is." He explained that he was waiting until we could really be together, that he needed space to "do his own thing" and "live life" but that he wasn't interested in dating anybody else. I clarified again that not being connected meant you were not in a relationship.

"How can you wait a year and a half to have a real relationship with me? I mean... I know I'm way cool and all, but not that cool."

"I know I want to be with you when we can, as more of a permanent thing."

Awkward. Sweet... but I can't wait a year and a half for a relationship while claiming that we're in one, while we ignore each other. After discussing for a few more minutes, I basically told him that if we didn't "get on the same page" about our relationship over the break, then I wouldn't be able to do it.

Then, without any transition at all: "So how have you been the last few days?"

A lovely conversation followed in which we actually told each other the details of our lives.

Missing: Best friend

2006-12-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night, boyfriend and I talked for a couple minutes as I was going to bed.

"I work from 1 to 7 tomorrow" He said. "I'll call you sometime."

I quickly did the math. "By the time you get out of work, I'll be in work. I'll be free before you work though," I informed him.

"Okay, I'll talk to you then."

Sunday, about 12:45 his time, I saw him online and IMed him. I hadn't realized what time it was until he said "I have to go to work" after a few minutes. I was slightly annoyed, but not angry.

I got angry when he tried calling me after he got out of work. We're all forgetful, I know. But seriously? I thought about texting him where I was, but couldn't bring myself to yell at him and couldn't send him a neutral text either. So I sent nothing.

As I was getting ready for bed, I listened to his message. I considered just going to bed without calling him back, but decided that I had no right to complain when he doesn't reciprocate if I didn't either. I called and left a message when I got his voicemail. Just a simple "Hi I was at work" (like I said I would be) "and I'm returning your call."

I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, surprised that I wasn't more angry. There was a time when this might have bothered me much more, I thought. In a way, it was nice that I didn't stress about it too much. And then something occurred to me: boyfriend, who had been my best friend for so long, no longer felt like my best friend. And, upon further reflection, I decided that this was not okay with me. I could barely believe how much "work" it felt like to share my life with him, when it had never felt this way before. I didn't want to lose him as a best friend, but was it possible to reverse the process? Not by myself...

In the middle of these thoughts, my phone rang. I answered glumly and after a few seconds, boyfriend asked with concern: "Is everything okay?"

Instead of lying, I evaded the question. However, boyfriend was used to this. He persisted. "What's wrong?"

I vaguely evaded him again. "You're not in physical pain or anything though?"

Aware of the irony that I couldn't tell me (ex?) best friend about my fears of losing them, I responded "I don't want to talk about it right now."

He still sounded worried, but in addition to truly not wanting to bring up the whole topic at 3 in the morning, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't appreciate having to deal with the subject when he was headed out the door to shop for groceries. "Will you email me tonight?" I asked. I might have sounded like I was begging. I hope not...

"Yeah. I'll email you as soon as I come home" He replied. I felt a little better, but the essence of the problem still lingered.

When I turned on my computer this morning, I wondered if I would find an email from him. "Of course I will," I thought. "He said he would do it, and he sounded worried."

I was wrong, there was no email.

But it's never something serious

2006-12-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

It's gotten to the point, as I've said before, where I no longer worry for boyfriend's safety if he doesn't call after he says he will. Everytime I get frustrated when he doesn't follow through on a phone call or email, I think "What if something happened to him? He could be dead or in the hospital right now. You would feel like such a bitch if something happened to him." But that thought is immediately swept away by the plethora of examples of how safe and healthy boyfriend has always been when he didn't follow through.

So when boyfriend said "Can I call you right back?" and then didn't call for over thirty minutes, I was reminded of the last time this happened ("Oops, I forgot. Sorry"). I decided not to call him, and was glad that I actually wasn't angry at him. If he didn't call me back, it didn't matter. I have a life too.

So I was surprised when he called me nearly an hour later and told me that he had lost control of his car and slid down a hill in the snow, and had to get help in order to get home.

Oops.

Mmmm

2006-11-30T23:31:00.000-05:00

It is not a good idea to watch Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire when you are in a relationship. Period.

Seriously. Better than chocolate. Bad for productivity.

The Thanksgiving break from boyfriend

2006-11-27T16:54:00.000-05:00

On Monday night, I was packing for my trip to my dad's for Thanksgiving when boyfriend called. We talked for a few minutes, and then I got off the phone with him. He sounded reluctant to stop talking, but I was reluctant to continue being the one who gets cut off with the inevitable "Well I'm going to go now," so I said it first. Boyfriend committed to a phone call the next day, and we got off the phone.

Then I freaked out because there was a house centipede in my room and I couldn't kill it after it ran behind my closet. I decided to look the bug up on the Internet to see if there was something I could do to kill it easily. Unfortunately, all the research did was make me even more fixated on the bug. I stayed up for two hours crying to my roommates about it, and they brought in a flashlight, shining it behind my armoir and saying things like "I think there's a big spider living back here too, because there's some kind of web with something in it."

Needless to say, they did not calm me down but the hour was approaching 3am and I eventually resigned myself to a slumber party with my house centipede. I wrote boyfriend a cute email, to the effect of "I love you, but don't tell anybody! It's a secret!" After setting my alarm, I texted boyfriend: "Can I sleep with you tonight? There's a huge house centipede in my room :-( "

I woke up the next day to see that he hadn't answered either my text or my email. Though he could have been asleep, I doubted it (west coast time, it would have been midnight, and he usually goes to sleep much later than that).

I flew to my dad's the next day, and we went out to dinner. When he asked, I told dad about the major problem I was having: that I wanted a serious, committed relationship and boyfriend and I weren't in one. We were in a casual, disorganized relationship, and I might have been able to survive it if only it wasn't long distance. Furthermore, I didn't know if any of this could be changed. I was becoming increasingly irritated, because I wanted a boyfriend who gave me tender loving care on a daily basis and what I was getting was the equivalent of a check-in and quick smooch.

Though I remained busy through the evening, I realized as I was getting into bed that boyfriend hadn't called all day, in spite of the messages I had sent him the night before and one that day. I tried calling him, but got kicked to his voicemail. Most surprisingly of all, he didn't call me back that night, nor did he text or email me.

When I woke up and realized this, I was angry. I wasn't surprised anymore, or worried that maybe something happened to him, because this was the norm. This is what I could expect. I was furious that he didn't even have the decency to reciprocate. So I changed his ringer to silent. I didn't want to know if he called, because I wasn't planning on answering. And if I wasn't planning on answering, why listen to it ring? It would probably just irritate me to know what time he called.

Later that night, I looked down at my phone and saw that I had a voicemail. In it, boyfriend apologized for not calling me the day before and said he hoped we could talk soon. He called again before I went to sleep, and I texted him, saying "Hey I'm going to sleep, have a good night. Love you." He called me immediately, but I told him I couldn't talk (the house was full of sleeping relatives). He said he would call the next day (Thanksgiving).

On Thursday night, I was partying with my older brother and when I came home I had a text from boyfriend saying: "Happy Thanksgiving baby. Call me if you can I don't want to wake anyone up. Love you" I had definitely noticed that in spite of his promise to call, he hadn't. I had reasoned that this wasn't great, but it was a holiday and he was probably busy with his family. However, he knew that would be the case, so why did he say he would call instead of saying he would call if he could? I decided not to overreact. He sent me the text... but if he knew I couldn't talk late at night, that wasn't a very grand gesture. I didn't call him back.

Friday afternoon, boyfriend's ringtone still on silent, I heard my voicemail notification and saw that he had called. In his message he told me he was on his way to work, but that he missed me and was sad we hadn't talked much lately. Following my dad's advice, I texted him back: "Got your message, nice to hear from you. Hopefully we'll talk soon. Love you"

That night, just as I was dropping off, boyfriend called and I picked up. He asked me about my Thanksgiving and my family, but I didn't feel like talking since I was half asleep. He did most of the talking. He told me that he found out what was wrong with his computer (and therefore, why my anniversary gift wasn't finished), and then said he had bought a new computer (on which he could finish the gift) as well as something to send me now, because he felt bad for taking so long on the gift. This was a great development and I was very pleased. I was then unable to continue speaking, so I (somewhat rudely, I think) got off the phone with boyfriend, apologizing for getting off so quickly.

So... by ignoring him for 3 days, I get exactly what I want? He called, texted, apologized, and bought me things. The only problem is that I don't want to have to ignore him to get those things.

In the end, I figured out that boyfriend really does love me and he wants to be committed to me. It's just whether I can actually accept being in a "casual" relationship, or if that's something I need to change when we "work on" our relationship in the winter. The new framework is helpful, but it still doesn't quite shake me of the irritation I feel when my texts, emails or IMs go unreturned.

More news on the gift & a moody boyfriend

2006-11-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

On the phone with boyfriend last night, we had yet another slow conversation. I called him while I was walking to the library (a five minute walk), and we couldn't even sustain the conversation for that long.

I ended up asking him "So, what did you do this weekend?"

He didn't provide much of a response, so I clarified, "I just realized I wasn't sure what you have been up to lately."

Then I broke the rule I had made for myself and asked about the gift. "I really don't want to be a nag, but I was wondering how it's going with the... thing. Y'know, the gift."

He again told me, "It's hard to tell you what's going on without giving it away."

Not wanting to irritate him, I said "I just hadn't heard you talk about it in a while, so I wasn't sure if maybe you forgot."

He told me that he actually had been working on it (for three hours that day alone), but for some reason the program he had been using to make it wasn't working on his new computer.

I asked him if he thought it was possible to figure it out or if he should just give up. He agreed with my comment that "It would be awful to give up after all this work, huh?"

So... that's still up in the air, but I feel better knowing that he at least hasn't completely forgotten about it.

Still, after the phone call I was bothered by the way he had sounded on the phone. I had asked him if he was feeling okay and everything was all right, and he said yes. But he sounded almost pissed off, for no reason that I could tell. Maybe from fiddling unsuccessfully with the computer for three hours, but it still bothered me. I got online and we talked for a minute or two, and he again sounded irritated.

I said: "Have you seen Stranger Than Fiction?"

Him: "No, why?"

Me: "I really want to see it."

Him: "Then you should go see it."

Great, thanks.

Anyway, I have better things to do than worry about boyfriend's bad moods. Like go see my dad and the pets for Thanksgiving break! I will post pictures of these adorable babies!

Not bad but not good

2006-11-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

We hadn't talked on the phone or emailed for almost three whole days. I didn't mind, really, but I was a little confused that when we finally did talk, our conversation was really dull.

"So, what's up?"

"Not much"

"Oh, cool... me too."

It was as though we both had nothing to say but we didn't want to get off the phone. Finally I just asked:

"So, does it bother you at all that we have nothing to say?"

"Well, it did for a minute but then I just thought 'Fuck it' because it doesn't really matter."

I half agreed with him, though I couldn't help but worry a little that he might not want to talk very often if all of our conversations were this dull. I told him this, but didn't really need reassurance. I just wanted to say that it was on my mind.

I didn't, however, tell him that I was irritated to hear him say he wasn't doing much that night when I still haven't heard anything about the gift he is supposedly working on.

On Friday night, I was in a terrible mood. I was just sort of despairing about boyfriend, trying to figure out if I was happy with him or could wait until we graduate to finally spend a good length of time together.

I was in the midst of drinking a few too many appletinis with my roommates when he called. I excused myself and answered the phone. I felt strange picking it up after contemplating our relationship earlier. Almost like I was hiding something from him.

"Hey, I'm on a break at work and wanted to call you."

It seemed kind of sweet since he rarely does this.

"I've been thinking about you a lot."

Also seemed very sweet, although he does say this all the time.

"Really?" I asked. "What did you think about?"

"Huh? I don't know, that's a weird question."

"I want to know what you were thinking about when you thought about me."

"I don't know, just being with you I guess."

I have no idea what kind of answer I was hoping for. This one would do. We spoke a few more minutes and then he had to go back to work.

I told one of my friends that I was thinking of breaking up with him. It was unprompted and alcohol induced, but it was there. I am considering it. But that doesn't necessarily mean that anything will happen at all. Thinking about it doesn't really add up to a lot.

Boyfriend called later when I was at a party, and I went outside to answer the phone. I was about to leave the party so I asked if I could call him back in a bit, and he said he was going to sleep soon.

"So?" I said. "You call me all the time when I'm asleep and I always answer."

"Okay," He agreed. "I'll answer, I promise."

When I called him back a half hour later, he answered after the first ring. We talked for a few minutes and then went to bed.

The options

2006-11-16T16:50:00.000-05:00

My dad called me back later and we talked for a while about boyfriend and me. He told me that boyfriend and I are simply different, and that since I can't change him I have two options:
1) Change myself and my needs
2) Leave the relationship
2b) (For the rich and obsessive) Therapy

Every time I talk to my dad, this sort of analysis happens. It always sounds very bleak, and then right before I start to think that there is no hope, he will say:

"But you're not at that point yet." Or, "You can't be sure you made the right decision until you've made every effort you possibly can."

Last night, my response was: "Is anyone ever ready?" I got off the phone and let class and work take my mind off the depressing options.

The problem is, I'd like to change. Not for him, but for me, because I'd like to stop freaking out about things that I don't have to. I suspect that my melodrama and (sometimes) unrealistic expectations will recur in my future relationships, and as much as I enjoy worrying constantly and finding fault with everything, how great would it be if I could learn to love not worrying and not criticizing? In my opinion, it would be bliss.

That doesn't mean that things will work out with boyfriend, but if it doesn't work out because of this, it will be symbolic to me: it didn't work (in part) because I couldn't figure out how to relax and accept other people as they are. Maybe.

Waiting for the train today, I thought about my reactions to boyfriend when his actions piss me off. Why does it bother me when we don't talk for a day? It makes me feel like I'm not important, maybe? But he has done many things to prove that I am important to him. It's just as if we're speaking in a different language.

He called me last night and I texted him back: "In the library. Love you."

"Mwa!" He responded.

I tried calling before I went to sleep, but he didn't answer, nor did he call me back. But this morning, he texted me "Good morning baby."

After my response, he wrote "I miss you. I'll call you after work. Around 8 or so"

We hadn't talked for two days, and I had assumed that he missed me, but it was nice to see that talking to me became enough of a priority for him to plan it out.

Teachers give extensions, not girlfriends

2006-11-15T16:53:00.000-05:00

A week ago, I was so over grudges, but that was a week ago.

Boyfriend, who had promised that he was close to finishing my anniversary gift (from October 25th), still hasn't finished it. A couple days ago I asked about it again.

"Oh yeah, so how's the present coming?" The question was no longer sympathetic, I realized, because all I wanted to know was why it wasn't done yet.

"Well... I can't tell you what happened without completely giving it away," He said. "I just ran into another problem and it's taking a while to fix." He sounded sincere. Then again, he had also sounded sincere weeks before when he told me it would only take a few more days to complete.

"Oh, okay."

After forgetting about it for so long and being so understanding, the whole thing is really starting to nag me. I called my dad to see what I should do.

"Don't say anything about this before you get the gift," he advised. "You don't have all of the information right now. Don't even bring the gift up again. When you get the gift you'll be better able to tell whether it took a lot of time or it took 30 minutes to make and he just put it off."

It was true, but I was still frustrated. I couldn't tell him how annoyed I was getting?

"After you get it, tell him the impact its lateness had on you. That way he won't feel nagged by you or tempted to abandon it or give it to you resentfully."

And in the meantime, what to do? He had texted me last night saying "I love you" and I hadn't answered. Since then, I haven't heard from him - for the first night in a while, he neither called nor emailed. And I plan to wait and see how long it takes him.

Maybe he's busy working on the gift... hah.

Oh, yeah. I won't be texting you

2006-11-13T11:08:00.000-05:00

Things with boyfriend have been going pretty smoothly, other than the occasional sharp twinge of sadness I get from missing him so much.

After such twinges, I keep sending boyfriend little text messages: "I miss you sooo much" or "I want to hold you." Unfortunately, my texts have gone unanswered.

When he calls, I ask him "Did you get my text?" and yes, he did. So I started to get a little irritated, or sad, or both. Why did he stop sending me cute texts all of a sudden? My mind went to all the comments on my blog that have hinted that he's pushing me away and I should stop offering up my heart to be stomped on.

The problem is, even if showing him how it feels were the best thing to do, it's just not who I am. With one of my exes, I did this kind of thing, and when he didn't react or ask me what was wrong, I got even more angry. Finally I realized that I was creating a situation where I needed a certain response, and when I didn't get it I was upset.

Still, whenever I drafted a text to boyfriend, I wondered if I should send it. I then reasoned that I wasn't sending it to get a response, and that I was sure he appreciated the texts. (Just not enough to reply? hmm.) So I would hit send and eye my phone for a few minutes.

On the phone last night, I asked him again: "Did you get my text?"

He thought for a moment, trying to remember. Then, "Oh, yeah! It was cute."

Why didn't he respond? Then I remembered him telling me that his phone bill had been high last month because his minutes had gone over. "Why don't you send more texts? Is it because of your phone bill?" I asked.

"Yeah, I don't want to go over again. I told Loser 1 to stop sending me texts because he sends me so many unnecessary ones."

Aha. "Would you like me to stop sending so many?" I was aware of the cost of text messaging; I had just been ignoring it for a while.

Boyfriend thought for a second. "No, you can send me them still. I like getting them."

"Well..." I realized that given these circumstances it wasn't realistic that I would continue to send him as many, especially when I knew it was costing him money. "I probably won't send as many anyway, because I know I won't get any back. Not that that's why I send them, it's just hard to know if you get them..."

"Yeah. I'm going to get a better text package though, so I can send more texts to you, because I love you!"

Cool. Still, couldn't he have saved me the wondering? "Well I'm glad I know why you weren't responding all of a sudden" I said, hoping to indicate that it would have been nice if you had told me this.

It's a good thing that his reason for texting less is for a reason other than "I don't care about you anymore." But seriously. He couldn't have told me and saved me the trouble of wondering?

I don't do it for them

2006-11-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my housemate about giving head, and she seemed to think of it as a luxury. "It's not something I do often if I can help it."

I politely agreed with her.

"It's just not fun, and the hair... ugh."

"Seriously," I agreed, for this is the one drawback for me. "What are they thinking?"

"You have to keep reminding them to trim, because they just forget."

Forget? Seriously? "How can you forget?"

"They just do. With my ex, I would quit maintaining myself when he quit, to try to get him to do it. And he was fine with it. It was infuriating!"

How could she quit shaving? I wondered. It just didn't make sense to me.

When boyfriends go out of town or relationships end, I hear women say things like "At least I don't have to shave my legs." I have to wonder if they are actually glad to be rid of this burden because for me, even though I don't see my boyfriend two thirds of the time, I never stop shaving. I might wait a day longer than I would if he was here, and I don't particularly enjoy doing it, but shaving isn't really something I do for a man. When I started, I wasn't thinking about how my shaved legs would look to the middle school boys, it was just an expected thing. And it still is: it's really a part of me now.

Thoughts?

I'm so over grudges

2006-11-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

I kind of forgot that boyfriend still hasn't given me the gift he promised for our anniversary. I asked him one time about it, and then I just forgot. On Sunday night, he left a message on my phone saying "I feel really bad because I haven't said anything about it and you still haven't gotten it - when I got my new computer, I lost the program I was using and I had to get it again and start over."

On the one hand, I feel bad because (though I don't know what it is) he had to start over again. On the other hand, it's been 11 days! I get the impulse to say "just forget it" but I know he's actually working on it, and that would be a horrible thing to say.

On Monday night, he called me when he was driving home from work and we talked for a few minutes before he said "Hey can I call you back in a few minutes?"

"Sure" I said, even though I was going to sleep as soon as I finished filling out my absentee ballot. When I was done and ready for bed, it had been 30 minutes and he still hadn't called back. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. I went to bed, irritated.

He called while I was sleeping and I answered, barely aware of what was going on.

"Hey, I'm sorry about not calling you back, I just forgot."

"Um, okay" I said. In a half-sleep state, I have a lot of trouble pretending that I'm not annoyed.

"Are you mad?"

"I don't know, whatever. What were you doing?" How do you just forget to call someone back for an hour?

"I went to a friend's place to burn a CD and when I came home I left my phone downstairs so I didn't hear you call."

Blah. It didn't really matter why he didn't call, since only a really great excuse like wild tigers would have changed my opinion. He sent me an email that night, since we didn't get much of a chance to talk on the phone. In it, he apologized again for forgetting to call.

Is that enough apologizing? I guess it depends on me. I'd rather not hold a grudge, because those are exhausting and I'm sick of being mad over things like that. It's not like he's forgotten to call me back before.

Although, in his email he did tentatively say he might call me last night before going to a concert, and he didn't do that.

But... I don't know if I really care.

You bra-burning feminists are sooo cute!

2006-11-06T01:25:00.000-05:00

For my class on the history of beauty, I'm reading a book about representations of women in American films. The author's first chapter is a sort of preamble, where she makes some general comments and observations. The tilt is unmistakably feminist, maybe even of the bra-burning, man-hating variety, but I couldn't help but feel that some of her statements, though arguable, had some truth to them. For instance, women who had sexual expression were seen as slutty and "incapable of an intelligent thought or a lapse of sexual appetite," while virginal characters, who were able to pursue 'manly' interests of profession or education weren't allowed to hint at having a sexual appetite.

This might be an exaggeration off the silver screen. But when I was sixteen, I went to a summer camp and made friends with a group of boys who were very nice to me, until I responded to the sexual jokes they made with me. Because I didn't say "ew gross!" every time an innuendo was made, they considered me a slut and began treating me appallingly.

In another passage of the bra-burner book, she writes "Why... are admiration and respect so indispensable to a woman's love for a man, while they play so little a part in, and seem even inimical to, his love for her?"

I read the sentence a few times, trying to decide if I agreed with it. Searching for a personal example, I remembered something that I had begun to notice about my conversations with boyfriend. In the "No I love YOU so much" parts of our conversations, one of us will often say "Why do you love me?" It's a cute/sickening little game we play, similar to the "How much do you love me" game, where answers range from "4 hundred and seven" to "Enough to capture three wild geese and battle a human-sized tarantula."

Anyway, lately I've noticed that boyfriend's creativity has vanished and his answer, ten times out of ten, is "Because you're pretty." One time, having heard "you're pretty" enough, I asked:

"Is that it?"

"You're cute," he replied.

"What else?"

"You're beautiful." He obviously didn't get it.

"Um... is there any non-physical reason that you love me?" I asked, a little angry.

"Uh, you're smart?" He said, as a joke. Because there couldn't possibly be any reason other than how cute I am, right? Even though my answers to the "Why do you love me" have always been "You're a sweetheart," or "You treat me well," or "You're a kind person."

After reading that sentence in the book and thinking about these conversations, I got worried. This "you're pretty" thing was seriously bothering me. And the next time I got on the phone with boyfriend, I noticed that during any pause in our conversation he would say "So, you're pretty" instead of something normal like "So anyway..."

Obviously if looks were the only reason boyfriend was with me, we wouldn't still be together (if for no other reason than he can't see me 60% of the time). If I was that beautiful, I would be America's Next Top Model times ten. But, as much as I like compliments, it's really starting to irritate me. Not enough to burn my bras... but I'm buying lighter fluid just in case.

It's nice to be human

2006-11-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

Last night, I told my roommate a story my mother had told me when she got back from her African safari a couple weeks ago. On the road one day, the tour pulled up next to a whole slew of other safari trucks that had parked next to two lions. By the looks of it, the lions were about to mate. Everyone rushed to grab their cameras and started taking pictures like crazy... but by the time they had snapped two or three shots, the lions were done. The male mounted the female, finished, and they roared at each other and walked away. The female lion went to sleep.

As I finished my story, my roommate casually threw in something she had heard about male lions having spikes on their penises.

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I heard it somewhere."

"No way. I have to look this up." I opened my internet browser to do a search. Lion penis, I typed in.

"No! You're going to get gross pictures!" She said (I think pornography scares her).

I was braced for the worst: lion bestiality, costumes, child pornography (could "lion" be code for "child" in the porn ring??!)... To my surprise, the results were all academic, encyclopedia-type articles.

Also, my concept of penises as pleasant organs was shattered when I read the following:
"The male lion's penis, like many carnivores, has a bone called the baculum. Specific to felines is the presence of tiny backwards facing spines covering the outside of the penis. These spines are believed to provide stimulation for ovulation. They erect when the male pulls outward, which for a female's first mating can be traumatic."

Whoa. I am SO glad to be a human.

In a surprising turn of events...

2006-11-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

I woke up and was still thinking about what had happened the night before. I was looking forward to a stressful day of paper writing and work, and I didn't want to put the energy into thinking about it anymore. In spite of the angry "If this is how it's going to be" comments the night before, I was confident that boyfriend had no plans of breaking up with me. I also realized that, though it could be exhausting to go on talking to him without a resolution, it would be more exhausting and emotionally straining for me if I held a grudge.

I sat down like many people do, to draft a letter that I could send or keep to myself, but I knew that I would send it. I decided to just say everything that was on my mind as it came to me, in as clear a way as I could without being offensive. Here is what I ended up with.

"Hi, I said I wouldn't email but I love you and I want this to work, and I don't see that happening by ignoring you. I'm just trying to not shut down and give up. I hope you feel the same way. It would be great if you could email me back, or at least call me to let me know you got the email, if you plan to respond.

I don't want to have exhausting conversations either. I'm not asking for them. The only reason they became arguments at all is because you got so upset, first when I tried to figure out what to expect for a few months (my reasoning not being that I was unhappy with anything, but simply to know what to expect so I wouldn't become unhappy) and then when I told you I missed you and wished we weren't so busy. My intention was not to irritate you; I just wanted you to know that I wanted to talk soon (and not about anything that would be a big deal; just how you are doing). Given our current circumstances (that our communication is hit-or-miss; whenever someone calls and someone isn't busy we finally get to talk) I wasn't sure when I could talk with you next, and that made me sad. That is all. I suppose when we finally did get on the phone last night I could have ignored what had happened, but I honestly did not expect an argument. I was just saying I miss you. I agreed with you: it is not the end of the world when we can't talk for a day. But when there is nothing beyond that day to look forward to, when I don't have any clue when I will hear from you again, that is difficult for me. After you told me that this is the way you want things to be, I was torn. I wanted to just figure out a way to hang on and be happy for a couple months, and I thought that I could do that. I still think I could. But it would have been nice for you to at least ask me if that was okay with me, or what I needed. Because it might have been something that we both could have lived with, and also because it's not fair for you to voice what you want and not care what it is that I want. I don't need an hour of your day every day; I have made that clear. Agreeing on how we will communicate until winter was the best way for me to avoid getting upset "every week" because when I know what to expect, and when it satisfies my needs, I will not get upset. If we had made an agreement right then, then it might not have bothered you so much to hear me say I missed you, because it would have sounded like a statement (which it was meant to be) rather than a complaint. How could I know that this would bother you? We tell each other we miss each other all the time. I don't like that when you talked about us, you referred repeatedly to me as someone you step away from your life to talk to. I want to be a part of your life. That is why I feel like I'm interrupting: because when you "step away" to talk to me, I have effectively taken you from your life. I can deal with that until winter. I can deal with a lot. I can even write all of my feelings to you in email, like you said. (If we had talked about how we wanted to communicate for the next 2 months, we could have made that agreement.) What I can't do is not tell you when something is the matter, because that is a part of my life and if I don't tell you, it is extremely stressful. I was going to suggest that yes: I email you all of the things I'm thinking about, and you respond to them on email. Not that we fix them, but that we acknowledge them. That's often all I need: for my feelings to be validated by you and not ignored or shoved away, or to be told that they're not okay. They are okay. They are worth your attention, and you should care about them and want to hear what they are, whether or not you can do anything about them: that's part of caring about me. It is essential for you to understand that when I tell you a problem, a feeling, I do not want you to think that I am trying to make it your problem. And it is not just my problem, either. It is just something that we both need to be aware of. It exists, and telling me that it is unreasonable will not make it go away. Often times, telling me that it is important will make it a lot better. And just talking about it or dealing with it will 9 times out of 10 take considerably less time than disputing it or arguing. I really do love you, but I can't continue to be told that what I'm feeling is wrong and that I am a problem to you.

I want this to work. I told you, I can deal with a lot and wait until winter. But I have to be able to tell you how I feel, and that has to be okay with you. So, if there is a way for that to happen (like email) then we should agree on it. If we don't agree on something, things like last night are going to happen, or it's just not going to work out, and I want it to work out! I just want to feel connected until we see each other again. When you email me, when you call and text me, it helps me feel connected. Having something to count on makes me feel connected. If we could agree to have some form of meaningful communication every day (a phone call or an email) then I would feel better. If that's not something you can agree to, maybe there's something else you would be willing to do that we could agree on. It doesn't have to be either you're happy or I'm happy; it should be that both of us are happy, and I am willing to figure out what will make us both happy."

In the subject line, I wrote "Hi, I love you."

I knew he had to work, but I was hoping he might respond before he left, just so I wouldn't be on edge. He didn't.

I went to the library and tried to write my paper. After a while, I wanted to take my email back, to un-send it and ignore our fight and figure out how to just deal with things. To convey this thought, I sent him a text message. "I can't stop thinking about this, I just want everything to be ok & to be with you. I'm free for 30 minutes after your shift, it'd be great to hear your voice. Love you."

He didn't respond right away, which either meant that he was busy at work or he was ignoring me. That I couldn't tell drove me crazy. Eventually, he responded: "We will work this out. I'll call you." The determination in his words and the promise of a phone call were a relief.

When he called, I asked him about his life and started talking about mine, as if nothing had happened. I wanted to make it clear that we didn't have to talk about anything if he didn't want to. Halfway through a line of conversation, boyfriend interrupted with: "I think you're right."

"What?" Seriously? He was avoiding my offer of a dismissal?

"I've had some time to think about this, and the things you said really make sense. I think I misinterpreted what you were trying to do before, and when I realized I had misunderstood, I was already worked up and I couldn't just let it go." Holy shit... he finally got it! This was great!

"Yeah, well that's understandable, and I see how you could have thought what you did. I wasn't trying to start anything up; I really do want to just wait until the winter."

"I just needed some time to think about things; that's how it always is after we have an argument. As soon as I've had a few hours, I think about it differently and it really helps. Maybe we should start doing that kind of thing more." Now he's talking about working on things? Incredible. I'm getting everything I want here.

"Yeah... well that's something we can talk about in the winter, but I definitely agree. We'll figure it out later."

"And I mean, you're right. You should be able to tell me how you're feeling. If you can't tell me how you're feeling, it just feels like a huge step back from the progress we've made. I don't want to do that." He was seriously continuing this line of conversation without my pressuring him. I was thrilled. See how easy it can be when you just listen to me? Superb.

We talked for a while longer before hanging up.

Sometimes an "I miss you" is just an "I miss you"

2006-10-31T23:51:00.000-05:00

Contemplating what to do about my last post, on Saturday I went to a Halloween party. I knew if I had to, I could relax until winter break, but it still irritated me that until that point I couldn't talk about how I felt. I didn't need a talking schedule; I just wanted to know what was going to happen.

I ended up getting a little tipsy at the party, where I dressed as a Catholic school girl. According to some members of the party who had attended such schools, my outfit was more accurate than it was costume-like. As my friend and I were getting ready to leave, I hopped outside to return a missed call from boyfriend, who had also texted me saying: "Love you... I've been busy all day. Wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm heading back to Bellingham in a bit. I'll call you on the way."

When boyfriend picked up the phone, I told him I was leaving a party but could call him when I got back to campus in an hour or so. He said he would probably be home smoking with his buddies by then. His free time the following day was exactly opposite from mine. "Oh well, we'll figure something out" we agreed. Still, it was frustrating how hard it was getting to just get ahold of each other.

When I got on the train, I texted him to convey this: "On the train, won't be able to talk for 30 min but I want to talk soon, I hate not being able to talk & I'm sad about it, it's really bugging me."

His response: "[MBIC] we are busy tomorrow. I don't think I work Monday. You can email me and I will email you too."

Me: "I know that I'm just telling you I'm sad we can't talk & I miss you. Wasn't meant to sound whiny. I miss you & I'm having a hard time & also want to hear your news" (In our last argument, he had randomly slipped in that he was changing his major)

Him: "Ok. I'll talk to you later then."

What was that? Here I was telling him I missed him and wished we had time to talk, and instead of saying a simple "I miss you too" like I had hoped, he was trying to get me to shut up? Or was I reading too much into this? I responded with: "Ok. I'll try calling anyway. I can't tell if you're irritated or mad & it's bothering me"

Him: "Of course I'm irritated. Nothing makes you happy. It's exhausting."

Whoa... I wasn't trying to tell him that he was doing anything wrong. I just wanted to talk to him soon! It didn't seem unreasonable. "I don't think it's crazy that I want to talk to you. I would be happy if that didn't bother you, if it does I'm at a loss."

Him: "[MBIC] I do want to talk. And we will. Just please chill out. Not talking for a day or so isn't the end of the world."

Not the end of the world, you say? Well what a relief! This whole time I thought that if we didn't talk every day, the moon would get locked in place in front of the sun and eclipse the world forever, ruining the ecosystem we have come to depend on as a source of life itself!

... Yeah, no. I'm not actually retarded.

When I got to my room, I tried calling him, but he didn't pick up. "Fine," I said to myself, and got ready for bed. I would deal with it later. Maybe someday he wouldn't misinterpret everything I said.

In the midst of my routine, boyfriend called me back. The conversation began with no clear direction, so I gave a long speech in the hopes of quickly clarifying what I thought was going on. I explained that I knew the world wouldn't end if we didn't talk, and all I had meant to do was tell him that I missed him. Our previous discussion about "what to do" had simply been an effort to avoid this kind of miscommunication, because we would both know what to expect. I just wanted to be able to tell him how I was feeling.

Unfortunately, boyfriend did not see eye to eye with me. He mainly said that our agreement had been to not have these kind of conversations, that he wasn't willing to deal with them, and that they took him away from his life. He said it was obvious that I couldn't just "chill out" until winter, and that he wasn't able to be in a relationship with me if this was the case. He dismissed the importance of my being allowed to discuss my feelings, and said that I should have known to email him anything of that sort, so we could avoid a conversation like the one we were having.

I asked him how I could have known that saying "I miss talking to you" would lead to this conversation, and refused to be told that my feelings should be disregarded and not discussed until winter.

Finally, boyfriend said: "I'm done talking about this... you can email me and I'll email you, or I'll call you on Monday or Tuesday."

I was furious that he thought he could treat me this way and then assume that I would want to even speak to him. "I'm not going to email you, and I'm not going to call you. I don't know what to do about this, but I am offended at the way you've talked to me and disregarded my needs."

Firm in his desire to get off the phone, and after several threats to leave the conversation, boyfriend finally asked to go, with the preamble of "I don't want to hang up on you, but..."

I didn't have a response, so I finally just said "Mmkay." We hung up and I dragged myself into bed.

The next two months..

2006-10-28T11:27:00.001-04:00

When I returned to New York, I felt a little optimistic, but I missed boyfriend a lot and was afraid that I wouldn't be comforted by the amount of contact that was promised. In a Nyquil daze, I decided to give boyfriend a detailed rundown of my day, as well as *shock!* express my feelings. If I didn't do it, I felt we would lose touch with each other's lives. I wrote a long paragraph about my day, followed with:

"I'm really glad I got to see you, and it did a lot to make me feel better about what I said (that I'm not 100% ready to just relax). I think that what will help the most is just time and some regularity; just seeing that you respond to phone calls, that you call me and we connect and we show that we care about each other. After that happens for a while, I'll be much less on edge. I guess we can talk about what "regularity" is to us and what we each would want to do to that end. I guess I just want to talk at some point about what we're going to do until the winter, because I don't feel like that's very clear and it would be great to just know what to expect, or know what each of us wants. I don't mean to bring this all up to try to make us have more serious talks or anything; I just want to let you know what I'm thinking about and we can talk about it whenever we have the time.

I love you so much, I wish it was easier to miss you :( Talk to you soon baby!"

I was afraid that he would either not reply or that his reply would ignore what I said, but his response seemed encouraging: he also gave me a detailed summary of his day, followed by:

"yea we can probably talk about stuff soon. i would like to talk about the next couple of months too. i understand what you meant about me emailing you back and everything and it makes sense that you would get upset because I know that when you email me you put a lot of thought into the email and not getting a response must feel kind of shitty. but i want you to know how much i care about you and how much i treasure any email or phone call or whatever from you. i just love hearing from you, hearing how your life is (even if it's not going so well, like your leg and being sick :-( ) because then i feel closer to you. i just wish we were with each other so i could help take care of you when you are sick or hurt...it's hard being away from you when you are in a lot of pain...i care about you so much and i know you will be able to trust how much i love you and care about you. i understand it takes time but i know that you will be able to trust that again soon.

anyway, we can definitely talk more later. i'm not working as much now and my schedule is a little less stressful. i've had some things on my mind lately (school wise, and just about my life) that i'd love to talk to you about. just some things i've been thinking about lately. things that make me feel a little less stressed. not that i'm tearing my hair out or anything right now but life is definitely pretty stressful right now (not as much as before, but still kind of hectic)."

This was a good response, I thought. So when we were on the phone next, I brought it up:

"So, can we figure out a time when we want to talk about the next couple of months?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I just want us to figure out how things will work until we see each other, because we didn't really figure out anything. I want to know what to expect for the next two months."

"This is exactly what I said I can't do; I can't talk about this kind of thing. You said you could wait to work on things until the break, but obviously you can't."

"What?! You said in your email that you wanted to talk about the next two months too." I pulled out the email so I could re-read it.

"Yeah, in terms of me and what's going on in my life, not anything about us."

"What? You said: 'yea we can probably talk about stuff soon. i would like to talk about the next couple of months too.' and then right afterwards you said 'i understand what you meant about me emailing you back and everything.' How could you put those sentences next to each other and not mean that you wanted to talk about us?"

"Well, I'm telling you now that that's what I meant."

"Okay, well I'm not trying to make you have a huge discussion, or to 'fix' anything. I'm just saying it makes sense to talk about the next two months so we can figure out what works for both of us."

"I'm fine with how things are going right now; we call each other almost every day, if we don't we almost always email each other. We're keeping contact. That's what I want, I don't understand the problem."

"I guess I need it to be more specific than that. I mean, I can't go from a 3 week breakup to a really vague idea of how our relationship will be for another two months. I just want to know what's going on. After all this stuff happened, I don't really feel comfortable calling you because I always feel like I'm interrupting you, or that you don't have time to talk. I feel like you have all the power here; you're always busy and when you decide to call me is when we talk."

"You are never interrupting: If I'm busy or can't talk, I don't answer the phone or I tell you I'll call you back. I don't see what the problem is."

I was stuck. He didn't want to talk about the next two months. Could I just deal with these problems and hang on, or not? I had thought I could before, and I still thought I could, but I thought we were at least able to talk about our feelings if something came up. Apparently not? Boyfriend declared that this wouldn't work if I couldn't let things be for the next two months. I didn't know exactly what to do; I didn't think I was asking him to "work on" anything, but I had agreed before that we wouldn't have to. I had meant for us to have maybe a ten or twenty minute conversation. And then, what would happen after winter break? Was he expecting it to go back to this; where we couldn't talk about our problems again? I couldn't deal with that. And if I couldn't talk to him about how I feel about us, then how could we be honest with each other and communicate?

I gave up and got off the phone with him, leaving it unclear as to whether we were going to drop the issue or not. I didn't know if I could let go of it.

When I was going to bed, drunk, I called and left a message. I didn't want to mope around and put my energy into "showing him" something by making him call first. In my message, I just said: "Hey, it's me I'm going to bed. I just wanted to call because I don't want to be the girlfriend who gets into a fight with her boyfriend and then doesn't call him because she's trying to prove something. So, yeah I'll talk to you later."

He texted me to tell me that he was playing poker. "I'll call you later if you want."

I was angry. If I want? Was I supposed to write back and say "Oh please do, I am so lost without your phone calls"? No. I wrote "Call me if you want, not if I want. I always want you to call me." As if he didn't know that.

He did call me later, but I have no idea what we talked about other than how the poker game went.

Having a day to think about it, I don't think I was asking too much. What is wrong with agreeing on how you are going to communicate for two months? And why should I feel like I can't tell him how I feel? That's not a relationship. I might be able to deal with it for a couple of months, but only because I think it's going to change. Not being able to talk about issues as they surface isn't smart. And what the hell! Why couldn't he have just TOLD me all the crap he wanted to talk to me about? When was he going to tell me about it? Don't allude to things and then wait a week to tell me what's going on.

I'm considering saying all this in an email to boyfriend. I'm also considering how to deal with the next couple of months, given that he is unwilling to change anything on my behalf.

The day and a half with boyfriend: pt II

2006-10-26T16:11:00.000-04:00

The first part of my visit is covered in the previous post.

Now that we had satisfied our sexual desires, we had a few hours to ourselves before lunch with my cousin. While boyfriend took a shower, I glanced around his room. If he was cheating on me, it was definitely not in this room: he had photos of me on his desk and night stand, and a box that I made for him out. Easy enough to stage, but boyfriend isn't even organized enough to plan a date, so I highly doubted that any of it was contrived.

I took a quick shower, got dressed, and we went upstairs. "What do you want to do?" he asked.

My mind was blank. I had assumed we would be able to easily fill the day without much thought, but it was before noon and we really had no plans other than lunch at 2 and dinner at some point. "I don't know... do you have any games or anything?"

"No, not really..." Loser 2 came up and they started talking about computers, so I went to my car to grab a book. The car was much warmer than their freezing house, so I sat in the car reading. After a few minutes, boyfriend came out to the car. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just warm in the car."

"We can turn on the fireplace if you want to come inside," he offered.

I declined; I didn't want to waste his gas bill. Boyfriend and Loser 2 went to Best Buy to get a new computer. By the time they got back, my cousin was on his way to meet us at the house. We left shortly after his arrival and went to a locally owned brewery, which had excellent food. My cousin insisted on paying, even though boyfriend tried to pay for our part. It was obvious that my cousin wouldn't accept any of the money, so I suggested that we treat him to dessert. We went and got ice creams, and chatted for a while.

When we got home, it was about 4:30 and we were stuffed. Boyfriend was sleepy from all the food and waking up early, so he took a nap on the couch while I watched TV. At about 6:30, I woke him up. We had planned to go to Canada for dinner, and if we were still going to go it would have to be soon. I didn't really care if we went or not, especially since he hadn't even picked out a restaurant. But it would have been a fun adventure all the same, and finally give us something to do.

Boyfriend said he wasn't really interested in going; it was getting late and neither of us were hungry yet. He then complained that he didn't feel very good. It sounded to me like he was being more lazy than anything else. I turned on the lights, got him a glass of water and some ibuprofen. I asked him where he wanted to go, but as I had guessed, he didn't really know of many nice restaurants in the area (how many college guys go out to fancy restaurants with their buddies before a night of beer pong?). So I started looking at reviews for nearby restaurants. Reviews don't give you a really superb idea of whether you'll like a place, so we were still up in the air after we had searched for a few minutes.

"We could just go to [Steakhouse Chain Restaurant]"

"Yeah, we could." I kind of wanted to try something new with him, but my heart wasn't set on anything else so I said "It's your choice, I'm in the mood for anything really."

Boyfriend selected an Italian restaurant I'd heard of but never been to, and called to see if we needed a reservation. We got dressed to go: I put on a new black skirt that called attention to my rear as well as a low cut top I knew he liked. He wore a nice shirt and a pair of khaki slacks.

The restaurant was gorgeous, and almost right after we arrived, everyone else left and we had the dining room to ourselves. Since we're both under 21, we ordered sodas. As the waitress left, boyfriend said: "One of the reasons I wanted to take you to Canada was because I wanted to try some wine with you." Wine tasting? My beer-loving boyfriend wanted to make a foray into the "cultured" world of wine? I was pleased. Before our food arrived, boyfriend said rather seriously "I have a confession to make."

Oh no. What could it be? After all we've gone through, it won't be anything about breaking up. He sounded almost like he was about to propose or something. That would be awful, and not like him at all.

Seeing my confused and dismayed look, he quickly said "Oh, no it's not that bad. It's just that I haven't finished your gift yet." I wasn't too surprised, and I wasn't upset either. If he wanted to take more time to make it more awesome, I wouldn't punish him for it.

"That's okay, how much longer do you think it will take?" More importantly, how much time had he already spent on it?

He revealed that it was taking a long time to complete and that he had run into a few problems while making it that made it even more time consuming. He debated telling me what it was, but decided against it. I was a little apprehensive: what if my gift, which had only taken me a few hours to create and complete, was wildly inferior to the one he was working on? I hoped he wouldn't think so.

Our food was great, and boyfriend was being charming and silly. He kept insisting on kissing me from across the table and holding my hands. I made sure our waitress took our picture, keeping in mind my new vow to take more pictures.

When we got back to boyfriend's place, I retrieved and hid his present (it was unwrapped), then brought him downstairs and instructed him to sit down and close his eyes. I then placed the album in his hands and told him to open his eyes. He was immediately excited. "Oh my gosh, this is great! Did you do this?" (The wood was carved with our names.)

"Haha no... I ordered it, but if I knew how I would have!" He opened the album and looked through it, seeing all the cards with writing on them instead of pictures. I told him to read the first card, and that each card had on it a memory from our relationship. He lay down in bed, pulling me beside him, and read all of them right then, stopping occasionally to chuckle or to kiss me.

We lay in bed and eventually began kissing again. Boyfriend asked if I was still on birth control. I told him that I was, but that my injured leg would get even worse if we were to have sex. He nodded, then we both undressed to our underwear and began tickling and kissing each other all over. Boyfriend positioned himself over me and kissed my chest and stomach, all the way down to my panties, which he took off and then gave me oral sex. For it being his second time, he was pretty good. He couldn't, however, finish me off like that so he resorted to using his hand. It was an incredible orgasm, after which I gave him an amazing blowjob. Overall, a pretty great time.

We changed into pjs and went upstairs to join Loser 2 in watching There's Something About Mary while boyfriend fiddled with his new computer. Halfway through the movie, boyfriend and I went downstairs because it was getting late and we wanted to exchange back massages before going to bed. We exchanged that and a little more, and then fell asleep together.

In the morning, I didn't want to leave. Boyfriend and I were both starting to feel sick; I had a terrible sore throat. I finally got up and started to pack, boyfriend lying in bed. It was then that I realized that I hadn't talked to him about his behavior: the inconsistencies with telling me he would do something and then not following through. I took a deep breath.

"So I really wanted to say something before I left. I get really upset when you tell me you're going to send me an email or call me and then you don't do it. I mean, I know you're human and it's okay if you fall asleep or don't feel well or something happens. But that can't happen more than every once in a while. It has to be an occasional occurrence, not something that happens all the time."

I looked at him, expecting anger. He was still lying down, his eyes were closed. I continued: "In the past week, you promised three times to send me emails and then didn't send them. One time you wrote me the next morning, which helped a lot but overall it's just not okay. And I really do love it when you tell me you're going to do those things, but I've thought about it and as much as I love it, I'd prefer that you stop making promises entirely unless you're sure you can follow through. It's part of the reason I don't feel comfortable yet; I need reassurance from you and one of the ways you can give me that is by following through on what you say. So..."

He was still lying down, his expression unchanged. Was he even listening?

"Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." He didn't seem interested in discussing any of it.

"Okay... do you have anything you'd like to say, or is there anything you need from me?" I didn't want to throw a demand on him and then drive away without giving him a chance to speak.

"I just don't feel very well, we can talk more later." He sat up. "What you said makes sense, and it's reasonable." I felt a little better. I was tempted to apologize for bringing it up, but resisted because I really wasn't sorry: it was important to me.

Boyfriend helped me pack my things into the car and we hugged and kissed goodbye several times. Overall a good visit, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of the speech I had made: would it have an effect?

The day and a half with boyfriend: pt I

2006-10-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

I drove north an hour and a half and got lost following boyfriend's directions to his new house. I called him and sorted it out, but was irritated: he can't give me the right directions to his house?

When I pulled up, I realized I needed to hide boyfriend's present, because he was sure to come out and help me bring things into the house. Just as I finished this thought, the front door opened and he started running toward the car. Luckily, the doors were locked so he couldn't get in. I instructed him to turn around and not look, and then I slid the album under the car seat. Then I opened the door, very nervous, and we hugged. We stood hugging in the cold for at least two full minutes. I wasn't sure if I was loving the hug, or if I wasn't ready to look at him. Maybe both. Finally we broke the hug.

"Nice skirt," boyfriend said while we gathered things to bring inside. I was wearing a new shirt, short gray and pleated, with leggings and a sweater.

"You look cute," I told him. I had forgotten how adorable he is.

We went inside and I sat on the couch a ways away from him, next to the fireplace. His house was cold, and the space was nice. I wasn't ready for him to pounce on me. A met us for dinner, which boyfriend cooked. I caught up with A, and when she left boyfriend and I cuddled on the couch. Then he leaned in to kiss me, but I didn't lean in. I hadn't told him all the things I had been thinking about lately. That I didn't trust him yet.

I let him kiss me, close-mouthed, but after a minute I couldn't go on kissing him with all that on my mind. I stopped him with "Wait... I need to say something that's on my mind."

After a few stumbling starts, I finally got it out: "I don't know if I'm ready for all this - I want to be; I want to mean it when I tell you all these beautiful things and say I'm happy with you, but I don't think I really mean it yet. I think I'm afraid to let go and trust you because I'm still thinking about losing you. Okay?"

He looked somewhat irritated. "I've thought about it a lot, MBIC, and I am absolutely positive that I want to be with you. All I've asked of you is that you trust me."

"I know, and I do trust you on some level, but I can't completely trust everything yet. It's only been a couple weeks; it's going to take time for everything to be perfectly okay again. I'm not asking you to prove anything to me, it's just going to take some time. And I just wanted to tell you about this because it's how I feel right now and it's why I've been kind of awkward all night. I just needed to get it out."

Feeling much better, we returned to cuddling and then kissing. He put his hand under my skirt, and I told him we should go to his room, in case one of the roommates came home. Just as we got on his bed, we heard the front door open and Loser 2 came in the house. "We should probably go say hi," I said. It would be pretty awkward (for me at least) if we didn't.

We went upstairs and hung out for a while, smoked hookah and watched tv. When we went downstairs, it was to go to bed (boyfriend had a class in the morning). We changed into our pajamas, only to take them off a few minutes later when we fooled around. I gave him a handjob and he got me off with his talented fingers. I hadn't masturbated in over a month... it was pretty good.

We both woke up at 5am for some reason, and started kissing again. I didn't expect anything else, but boyfriend started to touch me again, so I reciprocated.

When he got up to go to class at 8am, I stayed in bed. I got a call from him later:

"Guess who I'm talking to right now"

"Who?"

"Your cousin [we'll call him Nerd]"

"What?"

"I've known him for over a year! We have all the same classes together, and only today did we figure out that we both know you."

Funny! So we made plans to have a late lunch with my nerdy cousin (who is great, but it's true that he's nerdy).

When boyfriend came back from class at 10:30, we hung out in his room a little and fooled around again. I was kind of surprised: three times in less than 12 hours? From the guy who used to promise we'd do something and then be tired? Sweet!

As this post is getting long, I will save the rest of it for tomorrow. Things to look forward to:
- Lunch with my cousin
- Boredom
- Canada? No Canada
- Dinner
- Gifts?
- Another serious/tedious moment

Back from the trip

2006-10-24T17:45:00.000-04:00

Mmmmkay... so, there is a bunch to say about the day and a half with boyfriend. Overall, a great experience. I'll write a nice long post tomorrow, but suffice it to say that for now I am feeling much better about the whole thing. It was some quality time spent connecting and having a good time, no fighting and very few frowny faces.

But the rundown will be here soon enough. Oh - he liked my present :)

Paranoid?

2006-10-21T15:10:00.000-04:00

It's easy to get paranoid after your boyfriend asks for an open relationship. I've never been one to jump to wild conclusions with boyfriend and I've never suspected him cheating on me, but yesterday I guess I started.

During my flight from east to west yesterday, I felt more gloomy than excited. Everything was affecting me so much: he had promised me three emails that week that didn't get sent. On Wednesday night, I emailed him because he asked, even though I had to get out of bed to do it, and he didn't respond to my email. Thursday night, he promised to email me and then didn't write me until Friday, explaining that he had fallen asleep on his books. Even though he wasn't just forgetting, it didn't make it any easier when my Inbox was empty after he promised to write. On the plane, as I thought of holding him and kissing him, I didn't get happy. I felt a little blank, and this worried me.

At my connection I gave him a call to see if we could chat, but he didn't pick up. What was he doing at 1am on a Friday night that would keep him from answering his phone? I tried again a few minutes later, again with no answer. I didn't leave a message but I sent him a text: "I'm getting on my 2nd plane. Where are you? I missed you today"

He didn't answer before I had to turn off my cell phone. All I could think was that he was with someone else, even though I couldn't picture it. Why else would he ignore my calls? I was pissed off. Here I was, traveling across the country to come see him, making him a custom-made photo album filled with memories of our relationship, and driving 200 miles to visit him for a day and a half, and he didn't answer his phone?

I wasn't even mad anymore. I was just resigned.

The next morning I got a text from him that said he had left his phone at work last night.

The body as a gift

2006-10-19T18:15:00.000-04:00

Another thing that might cramp my ability to just relax and be spontaneous. I'm going to visit him probably Saturday evening and Sunday. He works on Saturday until 5:30pm and found out that he has to work all day (11 to 7) on Sunday. So we won't have a ton of time together.

Strangely, he seems more sad about this than I am. I think in the past I might have gotten angry or whiny but this time I just said "Oh well, we'll work it out" while he texted me to try to get me to stay longer.

And, regarding Ambiguous Blob's idea to give him my body as a gift, I was considering buying this corset thing for him, but then decided that I shouldn't act as though my body is a gift when he's had access to it for quite some time now. And what does that say about my body, that it's a tool for making men happy? It might be true, but my charming personality will have to be gift enough.

The anniversary gift

2006-10-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

Since we finally agreed with each other and resumed our relationship with (at least verbal) certitude, I've been having awful dreams about boyfriend breaking up with me, saying mean things to me, or doing anything that ends with me waking up in a sad and doubtful state.

And as if the dreams haven't worn me down, I've been hard-pressed to leave any of boyfriend's behavior un-analyzed. On Sunday night, I texted him saying I missed his kisses and was excited to see him soon. He didn't respond, nor did he send me an email that he had alluded to earlier. The next morning I struggled against a desire to say something rude, resolving to wait until the topic came up. I realized how jumpy I was being when he texted me back saying he had fallen asleep on the couch because he was still sick and he was sorry he hadn't responded.

This uncertainty has manifested itself in my unwillingness to think of a good gift to give to him for our 3 year anniversary. Why? Because putting a lot of thought into a gift makes you vulnerable. If they don't like it, your efforts have been wasted. And if your relationship is rocky, why invest so much energy in the gift?

But I realized that I would need to do something thoughtful, because boyfriend revealed that not only does he plan on taking me to dinner, but he's making something for me. Even if it doesn't take him long to make, it still must require some creativity and thoughtfulness, which I was not exactly displaying with my idea to get him an ipod case.

So I finally buckled down and searched the internet. "Gifts for men." Some things looked appealing, but most weren't things he would enjoy (a heart-shaped paper weight, cool cuff links), and the rest were too expensive (skydiving tickets, hot air balloon). I found a cute customized photo album that seemed perfect, and then I realized that we don't have a lot of pictures. Most of our cuter moments were alone (with no professional photographer around) or are captured on digital cameras and don't look so hot. Worse, we just don't take a lot of pictures.

In thinking about our lack of pictures, I became angry. We should have pictures. We are cute, dammit! We do things together, and we should start making people take pictures of those things! I wanted to get the photo album. But what would I put in it? The three pictures I have? That would be pitiful. I decided that the album would be a symbol of my (and hopefully our) commitment to take more pictures, and in the meantime I would fill it with "snapshots" of our relationship: short, picture-sized pieces of paper filled with descriptions of my memories of our relationship.

Enjoying the idea, I sat down to brainstorm. I started writing chronologically, and when I got about a year in, I lost steam. Most of my memories were from our first year together, when we weren't long-distance. But we had spent summers and winter breaks together. Still, I didn't really remember anything from those times. Anything? No, not really. This troubled me, because I realized that my favorite memories had been the product of spontaneity. They had been unplanned, delightful moments. And I really have turned into a planner, to such an extent that I have to wonder if I've lost my ability to just relax and have fun.

My goal for my visit with boyfriend is to relax and enjoy. No planning. Lots of kissing.

Finally, some clarity

2006-10-12T23:20:00.000-04:00

So... I don't think I can narrate the conversation any better than the actual transcript does.

Him: i miss you
Him: i've been feeling optimistic today. i really want to work things out with us
Me: i dont want you to say that just because you're feeling optimistic today, okay?
Him: it's not that, i mean your email to me really made me feel better. and it's not because i feel like i just don't have to deal with it right now, but it's that i don't feel pressured. because i do want to work things out, i just can't right now, and the fact that you understand that makes me happy
Him: i've been thinking about it all day
Him: i know i want to be with you
Him: if you want me to take more time to think about it i will, but i know i want you, and i want to work with you.
Me: but i dont want you to just do it for me. i want you to want to have the same kind of relationship that i want
Him: trust me, it's not for you
Him: i really want to be with you. i want a relationship with you
Him: and i want to see you
Me: i dont have time for it right now either, but... i honestly can't go on being the only one who wants to talk about problems
Him: yur not
Him: i miss our communication too, the way we used to talk, i really do
Me: like... i know you're willing to talk about this stuff. but i cant be the only one to inititate it, either
Him: i know
Me: okay
Him: trust me, your email came in loud and clear
Me: yeah?
Me: so what's this whole.. "space" thing?
Me: i'm sorry... i'm totally ignoring all of the wonderful things that you're saying. they really make me happy, i'm just trying to get some more info too
Him: i don't knwo [mbic], i guess i was just confused about what i want
Him: and i want to be with you, i just can't put in 100% of the effort and maintenance right now
Him: maybe that's what i meant by space
Me: ah
Me: i had no idea what that was.
Him: i don't want to see other people
Me: i guess i just want to talk at some point about what it is that you want, because i said so much and it shouldn't be all about me.
Me: ... that is a relief.
Me: (what you said)
Him: good
Him: i know what i want
Him: i want a relationship with you, that takes work, and i want to work on it when we are together, like the winter, i was thinking about when you come back in a couple weeks, but i don't know if we'll have enough time
Him: and i'd like to talk when we aren't so busy. because when you are here i'll have work and school
Him: during the winter i'll take some time off and maybe come home and be with you and we can work on whatever comes to our minds
Me: well it's an ongoing thing... we don't have to "work" all at once
Him: i know
Me: but yeah
Me: ahhh this is great!
Him: i just want you to know i'm committed. i want you, i'm sure of that
Him: what?
Him: just this?
Me: i dont know, everything
Me: "just" this? you make it sound so little! it is great!
Him: haha
Him: well [mbic], i love you so much. i'm glad i'm making you happy, because i'm really happy too
Him: can i call you?
Me: that would be superb. it's been one week to the day since we really talked on the phone
Him: k, hang on
Him: well you are still on my speed dial :-)

So, now it's back to phone calls for sure. And hopefully some entertaining moments, because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Email volley, call for suggestions, prize for reading post!

2006-10-11T23:19:00.000-04:00

Okay. I feel a little guilty for continuing to post the emails. Because, is it getting boring to read all the emails? Well... then I figure, it's my blog! And it's for me to look back on and to write about what's going on, and the emails are what's going on! So then I think that in order to make it more interesting for my readers, but also keep this personal need intact, I should add some commentary, interior monologue, etc... But by the time I enter the emails in, my entries are really long - and lately they've ALL been really long. And I hate it when my posts don't vary in length! I hate reading other blogs where people only write really long, really boring posts. So... I don't have a solution. Suggestions are welcome, and so are ideas for new blogger names (MBIC = My Boyfriend is Crazy. Why should MY name be defined by my boyfriend? Or should I change it at all? Who thinks I'm incredibly indecisive and care about silly things? Alrighty then.)

So. After he broke the silence, I emailed him. And he called me while he was on his way home and I was half asleep. A good sign? I wasn't sure. An awkward sign, for sure... The next morning, I awoke to this email:

"hey [MBIC],

i'm not going to write a whole lot because my head is killing me. but i will be thinking about these things a lot over the next few days/week. maybe we shouldn't talk too much about it right now. i don't mind saying hello and talking a little bit though, i still want to be a part of your life. i just need to do more thinking. but this email helps a lot.

so feel free to call me about anything thats going on, or just to say hi. and especially call me if you need comfort. if your leg is hurting or anything like that, you can definitely call me. even if it's the middle of the night. i love being that person for you, whether or not we are in a relationship.

i really do want to be with you and i just need to figure out if i can give you what you want. i love you so much [MBIC]. i will talk to you soon. miss you

[boyfriend]"

I wanted to write back "You can't be 'that person for me' if we're not dating." Instead, I wrote:

"[Boyfriend],
I understand if you need time to think, but I would like you to respond with some more detail about what it is that you're thinking about and what you need, etc... I hope you were going to do that at some point soon? Because I wrote a lot and I'd like to know where you are right now... also, being able to give me what I want may not be something you can decide without having more information (from talking about what exactly that is...) so while you probably have an overall idea from my email, I'm not sure if you should base all your thoughts on that. I was hoping we might be able to talk more about it together, but I understand if you're not ready for that yet. And the things that I need, aren't things that will happen overnight, and I don't even know if we have the time to work on all of them to the extent we would need to - so depending on your decision, if you wanted to work on things, we can decide at what pace we want to do it. I don't need a more intense and time-consuming relationship right now; I just need a few things and I want to know what you need as well.

But... obviously I am only requesting that you tell me these things, so if you don't want to talk about them yet, that's up to you.

- [MBIC]"

I didn't get a phone call or a response until the next morning. But I wasn't feeling as bad as when I was just waiting to hear from him. I had made a decision (give me what I want, commit to working on the relationship, or it's over) and I had told him what it was. Now I could just wait to hear from him, knowing that my decision was the right one. His email the next morning (today) read:

"hi,

sorry i didn't reply sooner, i just don't really know what to say. maybe i need more time or, i dont know. i just don't feel like i can put all the effort in that you want... i don't know. i want to just say yes, let's work on this, but i just don't know if i can. i'm trying so hard to stay ahead in school and things are going on in my family that have kind of changed my life. not me directly, but with my brothers and sisters and my mom... life is just different right now. for example [explains some personal family problems that are indeed very bad...] i mean...when all of your brother's and sisters (besides [older brother]), that you love and care about more than you realize fuck up like this, it just hits you hard i guess. and that combined with the reality of possibly losing the one person i love more than anything... i don't know, my life is a mess right now. and i just don't think i have room for a relationship that's going to take a lot of maintenance. i'm not calling you high maintenance, but this relationship needs a lot of work if it's going to happen. and i'm not sure if i can do this right now. and i want to see you so badly in a couple weeks but...i just don't know. it's like my life has been turned upside down in a matter of months... how could all this shit happen all at once? i dont get it.

please don't tell anyone what i told you because i'm really not supposed to talk about it, but it's contributing to how i'm feeling right now and i need you to know that. sometimes i feel like i really want to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship alive, but i don't want to decide that becasue tomorrow i could feel the total opposite. and i don't want to fuck around like that. i don't want you to "trust my word" if i can't guarantee anything...

i love you, but i don't think i can do this right now. we can talk later, this weekend if you want. i just don't know what else to say. i just wish you were here... i want to be with you, if you weren't so far away i'd make this work, i swear i would...

i love you

[boyfriend]"

Ouch. A tad bit depressing. And What The Fuck with that whole "if you weren't so far away i'd make this work." Um, okay? Fucking retard. I wanted to write back "Fuck you fuck you fuck you! You are a dumb piece of shit and I hate you!!!" But instead I wrote:

"Hey,

I'm glad you're taking this decision seriously. I just want to make it clear that in order for this to work out, I need you to make a commitment to make the effort. That doesn't mean we need to work on it now. As long as I know it's something you genuinely want to do, we can decide when we want to talk about it and work on it. We can decide on a time that works for both of us - put it off until winter break, summer, whatever. I'm not telling you that your needs aren't important, I just don't know what they are, based on the info you've given me. I want to know more; what you mean when you say you need space (if you know). I'm barely staying afloat with school and work too, and I don't have a bunch of time to dedicate to working through problems right now either. I'm just saying that they exist and that we should be aware of them and committed to working on them at some point. So, my intention was not to imply that I need a lot of your time and energy right now. I want you to succeed at school/work/life as much as you do. Until we have the time, we can decide what kind of relationship we're able to have.

I'm sorry things are so upside down for you. You told me about all the family secrets before, and I'm really glad you're letting me know how much they're affecting you. Given the state of our lives right now, I'm sure that heavy duty work on our relationship isn't appealing to either of us, which is why I'm saying we can/should put it off. It's just that in order to be with you, I need to know that you want to do that in the future, and that you will do it and be open to it, even initiate it sometimes. Co-manage. If you're not willing to commit to that, now or in the future, my decision is to not be in a relationship.

And in order to find out if our needs are compatible, I need to hear more about what yours are. I'm kind of blind to them right now. I know ldr is tough but it's really upsetting for me to hear that this would work out if only I was there. I guess we can talk more about that later.

Take care,

- [MBIC]"

In spite of the depressing tone of his message, I was kind of uncaring. His loss if he wasn't able to commit to working on it at some point. And I didn't have too much time to freak out, since he replied about 20 minutes later:

"well what you said made me happy. i am willing to work on all this with you, but not right now. maybe we could be together and put it off a little bit. hell maybe we can talk when you come back in a couple weeks. or in the winter.

so what does that mean for right now though? i mean, you aren't getting what you want right now obviously, so what can we do right now. if you're serious about wanting to be together and putting off talking for a little while then i could do that.

and by saying i would be with you if you were here, i just mean if you were here i could go through every problem with you and work things out. things are different when you are face to face than when you are on the phone or online. it takes time out of each of our lives when we talk on the phone for hours, and it affects our schoolwork and when we get into a fight and end up talking until 3 or 4 am and then having to wake up at 7, it just isn't ok. but when we are face to face it's easier to work through these problems, at least that's how i feel.

anyway, i'm really sick, i didn't go to class today because i feel like absolute shit. i'm just gonna hang out and do homework, so if you feel like talking, call me or IM me. i don't work so i'll probably be laying low all day/night.

i love you [mbic], and your last email gives me hope. really does. i love you

[boyfriend]"

Fun, short posts coming up. I'm sure this will be aided by the fact that our communication will probably be dominated by the phone now. Also... since I feel so bad about the length of this post in particular, a prize for the people who read this. Post prize suggestions (the more realistic you are, the more likely you'll get the prize) in the comments.

Relief... sort of

2006-10-10T15:45:00.000-04:00

He finally talked to me.

First I got an email from him and then he IMed me to say hi. Here is his email:

"thank you for telling me that your coming. i'm really confused right now, and I dont know what i want. i want to be with you, but at the same time i want space and...i don't know. i'm really confused, and now that you're coming home, I don't know what to do. i mean, do you want to see me? i'm just confused about whether or not you want to keep talking and whether you want to see me, whether or not you want to be together...i guess i need some answers and i'm not getting them so i'm really confused about what i want...i don't know, if there's anything else i should know, and if you've figured stuff out about what you want to do please let me know...i love you

[boyfriend]"

We talked briefly on instant messenger. I told him I was so glad to hear from him, and he responded that he loves me and that I am his best friend, and it was hard for him not to talk to me. He asked me to reply to his email. Us talking was so new that I wasn't sure what kind of response to give him - should I tell him every single detail, or just some cut-and-dry basics? He told me he wanted me to tell him everything I could.

I wrote a really long email. It went like this:

"Hey, so... I don't know how to write any of this because my thoughts are kind of all over the place. First of all, the easiest thing to answer is that I would be open to seeing you when I come home, but please don't feel obligated to see me. I'm not coming home for you, if that helps take any of the pressure off. So it's up to you, really.

Now, as for the more complicated part: what do I want? (and all the follow up questions: whether I want to see you, keep talking, be together) I'm not sure what I want. Partly for the same reason you don't know what you want; because you don't know where I stand. Well, I don't know where you stand. Which is why not talking makes this time to ourselves rather difficult.

Another part of my uncertainty is because I don't know how to give you space (what you want) and still get what I need out of a relationship with you. I do want to be with you, but only if I can get what I want - and only if I can give you what you want too, and I'm not sure how both of our needs can be met. Also, I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say you need space - is that the open relationship type of space, or just less pressure in general? I would be willing to figure out a way to give you more space within our relationship, whatever that amounts to, but I still don't think I would be willing to do an open relationship.

I have been thinking, a lot. Our relationship has become so involved over the past few years that it's quite a jolt to be thrown out of it for a while and left with my own thoughts. In some ways, it's been a good thing - I think I've learned a lot about myself that will help me (and us if we were to get back together) in the future.

It's really hard to be in such an involved relationship with so many unknowns (presented by our long distance relationship). Worse, it's harder to sustain such a relationship over such a long period of time.

I'm afraid of staying in this relationship just because I'd rather not go through the heartbreak of ending it. So now that we're having these discussions about what we want, I think this is a good time for me to be clear that what I need from a relationship is not negotiable. The way in which I get the things I need is something we discuss together, but the actual needs themselves must be met. I'm not 100% decided on what those things are, but it is something we can talk about when the time comes, if you want to.

Most of those things I have gotten from you in the past, which makes me hopeful that our relationship can be worked out. But some of them are patterns that I have noticed, that have not gone away. And they're not indicative of you specifically. I don't want to change you. They're indicative of us: the way we communicate, which is affected by our individual personalities and how they mesh (or clash at times). Most importantly, I think that these things need to be worked on by both of us - not just me and not just you, but together. (In our last talk, you told me that you are willing to do this. I'm sorry that I didn't take your word for it. I have trouble simply trusting what you say. I hope that if we work things out, that is something we can work on together.)

Some of the concerns I have, especially in our current situation, seem insurmountable. Things that I can recognize, but can't solve - not by myself, and perhaps not even with the two of us alone. Some of these things might require outside help, if they are ever to be solved (in the form of books, advice, counseling - I don't know). But, perhaps many of them can be addressed by the two of us, together. I don't know, though, because it depends on our willingness to work on them and the strength of our communication. This is a huge part of the reason that I am so uncertain about what I want.

I am not asking you to solve all of our problems, and I am not asking you to do it now, either. I am simply unable to continue this relationship without a mutual commitment and desire to work on it. I want a relationship that is "deep" - that goes beyond maintenance. This doesn't mean that I expect every conversation to last an hour, or every conversation to be about our relationship. It just means that I want some of them to do that, and that I don't want to be the only one who initiates such subjects. I don't want to be the only one who wants to have that kind of relationship.

These things would take time and considerable effort to work on, and I want to work on them. But I don't want to be the only one. I want you to truly want it and value the importance of it, and contribute your own desires and needs and ideas. I also want to work on achieving what makes YOU happy. I'm mostly talking about me right now, but I hope you don't take that as a sign that I simply want to make demands and ignore your needs. I want to have a partnership; not a struggle for power or a series of negotiations that could leave both of us unhappy. And that is why I'm not sure what I want: because I don't know if you are willing to do this, and if you tell me that you are willing to do it, I don't know how to trust your word. But it is something that I really want to trust.

So I will stop doubting the things you say, and if you decide what you want, and if that is to be with me and that you are interested in working on all of the things that I am, I will trust your word. Which is why I am willing to give you as much time as you need to be able to answer that, and as much information and discussion as you want, and I urge you to be completely honest with me.

I do love you, a lot. If you want more time to write your email (need to go to sleep, need more time to think, anything) just let me know.

- [MBIC]

PS. My leg is doing awful, it started hurting badly last night and you were the first person I thought of to call for comfort."

The silent treatment

2006-10-09T13:31:00.000-04:00

I waited for two entire days before I said anything to boyfriend. Two days doesn't seem like a lot, but I felt like I might be able to handle talking to him on email or through text messages. He had sounded before like he wanted to keep talking.

I texted him before I went to bed late on Friday night; just said:
"I'm going to bed but I wanted to say goodnight & I'm thinking of you"

I woke up the next day with no response from him. Oh well, I thought, he'll talk to me when he's ready. But by 8pm the next day, he still hadn't responded. I was sure it wasn't an accident, so I wrote him again - I just wanted to be clear that I was taking his silence as a cue to stop contacting him. I ended the message with "Take care, love you." I wanted to be supportive of whatever he needed and let him know that I care about him and I want to wait until he's ready to talk.

He replied 15 minutes later with:
"[MBIC] it's confusing when you say you don't want to talk and then text me 2 days later. You can't do that. If you want time take it. It was nice hearing from you but wasn't appropriate."

As an afterthought, he sent me another text:
"I love you too but I need time too."

When we last spoke he had expressed an interest in talking, so I didn't know that he wasnt up for it... anyway, he was also telling me that I wasn't ready to talk, which is my decision to make. Hoping my reply indicated this, I wrote:
"Take all the time you need, I'm not trying to pressure you. Whenever you're ready let me know."

It was nice to give him the decision, and nice to know that he's finally taking the time he needs. It's a little scary (a lot scary sometimes), but I don't feel so much pressure to figure things out now - I can just take the time I need until he's ready. (Not that I am - every other day I think it's over, and the rest I think we should be together.)

Then I realized he still doesn't know I'm coming back in October. I had agreed to go home because my mom really wanted me to, and I had already reserved the tickets. Should I tell him? Or should I wait until he wants to talk to tell him? I was going to wait until an entire week had passed so it wouldn't seem like I was pestering him, but I saw him online today and he didn't say anything to me. It was upsetting. So I sent him an email:

"Hey, I'm sorry I don't want to bother you and that's not my intention here. I just decided a bit ago that I am going to be coming back in October and since I don't know when I'll be talking with you again I didn't know when I could tell you. Just thought you might want to know."

He stayed online for a while, but didn't respond to my email. I realized that I wouldn't be able to handle constantly looking for him online, so I blocked him from my buddy list.

I'm glad he's taking the time he needs. It's helpful to know that he's really thinking about it and not just making a decision on the spur of the moment. And I know I can be happy without him, eventually. If we do get back together, the perspective I've gained will help me a lot. But waiting for an answer is really crappy.

Boyfriend vacation

2006-10-06T00:40:00.000-04:00

After a week of not talking, we had to schedule a time. Wednesday night at 9.

At 9, he texted me saying he was going to be a little late.

Then he texted me again telling me he had to drive all the way to another place to pick something up before he could drive home - Loser 1 was driving and boyfriend had no choice but to go along. It would be two more hours before he would get home, putting our conversation time at roughly 1am.

Fine, I agreed.

At 2am I still hadn't heard from him. I lay down in bed and drafted a biting text message in my head. Something like "I'm so glad we talked." How pathetic that even when we scheduled a time to talk, it didn't happen. This is what our relationship has become. When was the last time I was truly happy and didn't have to think about whether I was getting enough from him?

I'm tired of being the one who wants more, and the only one who is willing to come up with ideas of what to do to fix our problems. Every time we encounter a problem, I have to come up with the solution. He just sits there and says "I'm fine; it's your problem" and contributes no ideas. I can't do that anymore. I want a co-manager in this relationship.

He texted me a few minutes after I turned the lights out and said he was finally home. He asked if we could talk another day. I'm busy other days, I told him. I didn't feel like talking either, but I had just waited 5 hours for him to call me. He just kept texting his responses. Finally, I called him.

I asked him why he changed his mind about the open relationship. How could he be sure of what he wanted in just a week? I guess he could; who am I to tell him he doesn't know what he wants? But even if a week is enough time for him to be sure, it's not enough time for me to be sure that he's sure. ... yeah.

Also, I don't have much time to talk this year. I barely have time to sleep. If we break up, I won't have time for a relationship with someone else. I just don't know if this tiny amount of time is enough for our relationship. And what if our passion is gone? Our relationship has become all work, no more untroubled conversations full of smiles and the revelations that made me fall in love with him so long ago. Is there any passion left in our relationship, or are we just comfortable with what we have? Sometimes I don't feel like he knows me anymore; he doesn't seem interested in talking about some of the more intellectual things I'm interested in. Then again, he might be interested and I might just be assuming he's not. Regardless, I don't want to make such an important decision based on a temporary slump, if that's what this is.

I told all of these things to boyfriend. For once, he expressed an interest in "co-managing;" he claimed that he wanted to help brainstorm ideas to help us stay connected; he even expressed a willingness to schedule time to talk, something he had formerly opposed. This was encouraging, but it didn't tempt me to change my mind. It's easy to say those things during a time of crisis.

I told him I need more time alone to figure out what I want, because I'm confused. About everything. I love him and I want to have some kind of relationship with him, but beyond that I have no idea what I need. And I don't even know what to do and think about during this time; I just know that it's the best decision to make.

"What about talking? Can we still talk?" He asked.

"I don't know," I said - again, I truly don't know anything.

"I just want to know what's happening in your life. I want to know how your leg is doing, how your classes are going..."

I didn't say anything for a bit. If I kept talking to him, would I get the perspective I need? Would I get sucked into the familiarity of talking to him and forget that there are real issues here? Even if I could do it, what about him? I wanted to give him time to think, too. Maybe not talking would give him some perspective too.

"I think it's easier to say we should stop talking for now, because we can always start talking when we're ready. It's harder to know when to cut it off if we start out talking." I felt a little cruel saying it.

"Yeah." It sounded like he expected it.

"We can always change our minds later," I said, imagining that it sounded reassuring.

It was odd getting off the phone. We said goodbye rather than goodnight, and while the I love you sounded the same as usual, its meaning felt foreign to me.

Bitchy and indecisive

2006-10-03T15:40:00.000-04:00

I called boyfriend briefly yesterday as promised, just to check in. It was a busy day and I was running on two hours of sleep. As I got off the phone, he told me to call him before I went to bed. He also said he would call me later on to say goodnight.

I tried calling before bed, but he didn't answer. When I woke up in the morning, I hadn't received any calls from him.

Now, I'm not saying it means anything. It just reinforced the fact that he has done this a lot in the past, and will continue to do it - even though he's committed to me. And now I have to think "Is that something I'm willing to deal with if I stay with him?" And I'm not sure.

As I walked to the train station, I continued thinking. Was any of this okay? We're both so busy that we rarely have time to talk. And when we do talk, our banter seems somewhat disinterested. I give him a run-down of what I did during my day and rarely get to descriptions of the things that really matter: what's on my mind, the funny thing that happened in class, etc. Our "passion" seems to be gone, at least for the moment.

When I arrived at my internship, boyfriend IMed me and I was unable to hide my sour mood. When he asked what was going on, I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore and that we needed to talk. Then, simply trying to set up a time to talk, we both became frustrated - he blamed me for making it so difficult to set up, and I had to resist the urge to tell him that maybe we shouldn't talk at all.

Obviously, I'm not exactly looking forward to hearing from him right now.

I take it back, baby!

2006-10-02T15:09:00.000-04:00

Since boyfriend revealed to me that he is "sure" he wants to be with me rather than the open relationship he was "sure" about the week before, we haven't talked much. We've texted each other and said goodnight a couple times on the phone, but there hasn't been a lot of time to sit down and discuss.

And it's been four days.

Even more strange, neither of us mentioned the need to talk about it. After a day he just started calling me "baby" again. Which is odd, because I don't recall ever telling him if it was okay with me that we get back together.

So finally when we were chatting online I mentioned that I thought we needed to discuss what's going on, and he agreed. Good! Now I know he didn't just forget about that little week when we were broken up. Because that would be mighty convenient, wouldn't it?

Maybe if he never changed his mind about being committed to me for that week I would be fine. But he did, so now I'm not sure what I want. I have repeatedly frustrated boyfriend by expressing a lack of faith in our relationship - often when there was no reason to doubt his commitment. Usually such fears came from more personal feelings of self-consciousness. But now I think I have sufficient reasons, and if he really wants to be committed to me he's going to have to do more than just say "I love you" to prove it.

... Money would prove it.

Or a car. Definitely.

Pie tasting

2006-09-30T11:16:00.000-04:00

The thing with boyfriend is, I really do understand why he wants an open relationship. During our first year apart, I asked him for one. My eye wasn't really set on anyone in particular at the time; I just thought it made sense. We're only twenty, and back when I requested the change, we were only eighteen. It's a pretty young age to be committed. It's an age at which it almost doesn't make sense to be committed.

A couple years ago, my mom and I were out at breakfast and she was talking to me about my brother. Mom was upset that he was going to the same college as his girlfriend because she was afraid they might end up together, and she wasn't in support of that. Why not? I asked her. She explained it in an analogy.

"Say you've only eaten cherry pie. You love cherry pie. You decide you only want to have cherry pie, for the rest of your life. But how do you know that you don't want to try the other kinds of pie? How do you know that you won't like apple or peach better?"

Thank you, Mom. I swallowed her bias with some skepticism. Because, what if you stop eating cherry pie to try out apple or peach, but you realize that you liked cherry best? Unlike with actual pies, in the dating universe you can't usually just order up Mark again. "I tried out Scott and David, but I like you best." Furthermore, when do you decide to stop trying pies? You will never run out of different types of pie, so the curiosity about all those pies won't fade simply because you tried them all - you have to pick a "favorite" at some point. And if you love cherry pie and you're completely happy with it, why forfeit it for pies that won't necessarily be better?

Furthermore, my mother is a woman who, well... let's just say she's tried out many pies. And she's been divorced twice, including to my father. So how much can I really trust her wisdom?

But I suppose her speech had gotten to a part of me, because when I asked for an open relationship during my freshman year at college, I was hoping to try out some peach and apple pies - if only to make sure that I really wanted to spend more time with cherry. Before you commit to someone, you have to make an educated guess that they will make you happy for a long, long time. And it's hard to make that guess when you're not a seasoned pie-taster... er, man-dater.

When I broke up with boyfriend right before our sophomore year, I was kind of excited. All my friends, all my favorite television shows and movies romanticized single life. There was something exciting about meeting men at bars - or just anywhere. Something exciting about being available. But after a while, I realized that a lot of the excitement was coming from peoples' desire to find someone to take them away from being single. A lot of people who are single are just trying to find someone. When I realized this, I didn't even taste the pie that was offered to me. I just realized that pie-tasting wasn't what I wanted, and I got back together with boyfriend.

Now he's asking for the same thing, and I have to decide what to do. Because I really do love him, and a part of me wants to do things that will make him more likely to change his mind: continue talking to him, tell him how upset I am, etc. But a larger part of me wants him to get what he wants. Because if he wants to date other people and I somehow stop him, he will be unhappy. I want him to want to be in a relationship with me because he's sure he wants it; not because he's afraid of the alternative.

So when he told me on Thursday night (only a week after asking for the open relationship) that he thinks he changed his mind and wants to be with me, I was surprisingly troubled.

The aftermath - Saturday & Sunday

2006-09-27T22:23:00.000-04:00

The following posts will catch you up to this one:
Open relationship
Breaking the news
Aftermath: Thursday & Friday

Saturday
I woke up and was immediately upset, but I had to go to work. After work, I came home to an email from boyfriend (a reply to my previous email). It read,

"i miss you so much too. i feel horrible [MBIC]...i know i blindsided you with all this and i feel like shit because of it...i'm so sorry that i hurt you. i just don't want you to feel self conscious or feel like it was anything that you did that made me do this. this summer has been so amazing and i am so in love with you... i have been feeling so confused lately. like i'm having doubts even though i'm sure that i should do this at least for a little while. but even the past 2 days since i brought this up have made me reflect on how i do take you for granted (as much as i try not to). i love you so much and it's so hard to picture my life without you, which is why i really hope we can either still have a relationship that's more open, or at least have a friendship. one thing i'm pretty confident of is that I don't want this separation to last forever. I want to be back with you. i want to be committed to you. maybe this will make it easier down the road, i'll know how much i love you and how much i miss you and need you in my life. because i know that right now. i need you in my life, [MBIC]. which is why i really want to stay in touch. and i guarantee you if you come back in october i will be here for you for whatever you want to do. i love you so much. [boyfriend] ps: i'm online on campus, still don't have internet in the house yet. i should get the modem soon. i really wanted to email you though. call me whenever you want."

I didn't reply to the email. He didn't call and he didn't text that night.

Sunday

I woke up and was sad, again. I realized as I checked my email that this is what would happen if I continued talking to him. I would be disappointed every time he didn't call or email. I couldn't deal with constantly being disappointed. But I still wasn't ready to stop talking to him, or to change his ringtone, or to change my relationship status on my internet profiles.

My housemate came up to my room and we talked about the situation, and she convinced me that it would be a good idea to stop talking to him. "You'll never be ready to stop talking to him. You have to just do it." Good point. I texted this to boyfriend, who seemed very upset. "Can I still email you?" He asked. I told him no and explained my rationale.

When our exchange was over, I felt horrible. An hour later I felt even worse, so I texted him again:

"I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do."

He responded right away: "Maybe we should keep talking then"

"I don't know, I feel like I'm fooling myself"

"I'm still the same person [MBIC]. You can always talk to me."

"Doesn't make it better. I want you to be mine & I can't have that."

"Well I'm here if you need me"

I didn't know what to say to that. He sounded like he was telling me he was there for me as a friend.

I went out to dinner with my housemate and when I got back, boyfriend was online. I wasn't sure if I should talk to him, but I messaged him to find out if I was up to the task. He had found a faint wireless connection and had been hoping to see me online. We talked for a long time about what was going on with us. I told him how upset I'd been lately, and he told me the same. I was a little shocked at how upset he had been - apparently he had been crying his eyes out with guilt and fear of losing me, and almost changed his mind several times.

But we both agreed that if he decides he wants to return to an exclusive relationship, he should be doing it for the right reasons.

After our conversation, I felt oddly happy. Nothing had fundamentally changed, but I had been reminded that he still loves me and that I am important to him. I may not be sure about what my course of action should be, but at least I felt like I had more control over my decision.

I loosely decided to continue talking to him until I figure out what I need to do - if not talking to him caused more trouble than talking, it was worth it for the time being.

Open Relationship: Thursday & Friday

2006-09-26T13:41:00.000-04:00

Posts that will catch you up to this point:
First, second, third.

Thursday
So, I called L for some support. I think all she really said was "Well that sucks" and "What do you think is going to happen?" The rest of the time she listened to me ranting.

Boyfriend called twice while I was on the phone with her, but I didn't answer. I had no idea what to say. I eventually got off the phone with L and checked my voicemail, in which boyfriend said he didn't know what happened (so, didn't know I hung up) and to call him back.

I called back, and he said he couldn't talk very long (he had to go take a drug test as part of a job interview and help a friend with their car, etc.) but he wasn't doing anything that night, so he could call me then...

In the meantime, I bitched to a couple of my friends at school about it and I called my dad. He is amazing and always calms me down, yet he doesn't just comfort; he asks questions and offers analysis, etc.

I had dealt admirably with the situation so far. I was in a cloudy mood, but not locked in my room crying. I had resorted to distraction, and invited people over to watch TV.

Later, during the Grey's Anatomy premiere, I got a text from boyfriend which said...
"Going to the gym then gonna be kinda busy. Free all day tomorrow. I love you. Are you free tomorrow?"

I was outraged - he had told me earlier that he had nothing to do that night. So he had made plans to go to the gym with his Loser friends after promising to call me. Furthermore, he felt no obligation to talk about such an important thing with someone he had just hurt.

A flurry of texts followed, wherein I told him he was hurting me and he offered no apology. I called him, and he was perfectly unresponsive. He revealed that he wanted to sleep on it and he wasn't ready to continue such a difficult conversation. I didn't care. I would have agreed with him if he had called me and told me how he felt rather than saying 'I'm going to the gym with my pals'. But he didn't. He offered me a crap explanation.

I called him an asshole, and then realized I shouldn't have made a mistake (or at least, shouldn't have said something he could use against me) so I hung up.

He texted me that it wasn't okay for me to hang up on him - I replied that it wasn't okay for him to treat me this way.

He didn't call later.

Friday
I woke up and immediately began letting out the tears I'd been holding back. I composed myself for a meeting with a professor, then immediately called my dad. Again, a brilliant man.

He explained that part of why I was hurting at the moment was because I was relying on boyfriend to comfort me and take my pain away, and that I couldn't rely on that. He told me that the final decision was up to me, but that if I was to stay with boyfriend, it should be because I wanted an open relationship. He also told me that I may need time to myself to figure out what I needed, but that I may not be able to let go yet and make a decision, and that's okay too.

I asked him what I should say when boyfriend called later. Of course, it's hard to figure out what you're going to say when you don't know what you want. Dad advised me to write an email instead of talking on the phone; based on our last conversation, nothing productive would come from a phone call.

I got off the phone as class started. We were watching a movie for the first half of class. I composed myself and found a seat next to my housemate, who asked me if I was okay. "No," I replied, starting to cry again.

I watched the movie and tried to distract myself. When it was over, the class took a break and I sat outside. I couldn't stop crying and I wouldn't be able to concentrate or avoid attracting attention to myself if I returned to class. I asked my housemate what I should do and she said I should go tell the prof. I found him kneeling by a copy machine and told him quickly "Something bad happened and I can't go to the rest of class." My face was red and my eyes still wet.

He got up and seemed almost to rush toward me; I backed up a little. I had been hoping he would just say "okay" and let me leave. "Is there anything I can do?" He asked. Concern had taken over his face and I felt very awkward.

"No, I'll be okay. I just have to go."

"Do you need to talk to someone? Are you going to go be with people; should I contact a friend for you?"

It dawned on me that he was concerned I would harm myself. "No, I'll be okay. I just can't go to the rest of class."

He made me promise to email him later, and I rushed off to my room. I was crying and had an unreasonably painful headache. I needed a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep. Eventually I realized I would only stop crying and be able to fall asleep if I could stop thinking about boyfriend. Unfortunately, there was nothing else I could think of. I downed some ibuprofen and cyclobenzaprine and eventually drifted off.

I was awoken by a call from boyfriend. I hadn't planned what I would say, but I was still in a stupor from the nap and the muscle relaxants, so I figured the conversation would be easier.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice muffled by a number of things (sleep, drugs, fear, sadness...)

Our conversation surprised me. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember that I told him everything I was thinking about, and he told me how sad he was and how horrible he felt. He didn't just sound sorry; he sounded hurt too. He didn't want to break up, but he needed to do this other thing too. He was afraid of losing me.

I told him I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for me to talk to him or not. He said he would do whatever I wanted; whatever would help me the most.

That night, I smoked pot with a friend. When I got home, I emailed him "I miss you so much" and texted him:

"I miss you so much. I'm scared"

He texted me back almost immediately with "Im scared too. Im gonna call you tonight. I cant email. Ill call you later and wake you up"

This was comforting. He called later and we said goodnight.

Open relationship: Breaking the news

2006-09-23T11:15:00.000-04:00

PLEASE READ:

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their support concerning my last post and my blog in general. Even the people who said "I told you so." I'm sure no one means that ill-spiritedly. If you do, that's okay too. I'm not going to lie. I'm very upset right now and at times I don't want to even think about what's going on. But I want to blog about it because it helps me settle and organize my thoughts, and because every once in a while, my readers really brighten my day. I'm not sure if I'm up to responding to comments, but please know that I do appreciate them, very very much.

So... here's what's going on...

**~**

It was somewhat a shock to me when he told me, but I wasn't really shocked considering how much more freedom he'd been asking for at the end of the summer, and how unwilling he's been to discuss our relationship. And the freak-out he/we had at the beginning of the summer.

The truth is, I can understand why he wants an open relationship. I wanted one during our first year away from each other. I know now that it wasn't truly an open relationship, because I never dated anyone and nothing fundamental changed in my relationship with boyfriend, but the reasons for wanting one made sense: We are both in the first serious relationship of our lives. We are forced to think about the future because of the nature of our relationship - we are basically waiting to be together. And by that point we will have been together for 5 years. And then what? Marriage is just something you consider when you've dated someone for that long.

So his reasons were not simply "I want to see other people," but, like mine when I initiated the open relationship, they were "I want to know for sure, without any doubts." He also expressed difficulty with being apart, not able to hold me and be near me, and not able to know when we might see each other again. He had been thinking about the idea for a couple weeks and had consulted his parents (who are divorced, married young, and went through a long distance relationship). He told me he had no one specific in mind, which I believe, and that he didn't even know if he wanted to date anyone - he just wanted the option.

He kept asking me to tell him what I was thinking and feeling, but I just continued asking him questions. "Why do you think you want this? What does this mean? How can we be less committed than we already are? How long would we try it for? Are you sure you're not just afraid to admit that you want to break up with me?"

He didn't know the answers to a lot of these, but he assured me he didn't want to break up. He said he had hoped I would want the same thing. In his classic "I don't play by the same rules as you," he told me it was impractical to have a trial period, and that I may need it but he didn't. He said "I don't want to give you an ultimatum" when that's essentially what he was doing. Saying no and keeping him was not an option.

When I was done with my questions, I told him how I felt. First I asked him why he had told me that his news wasn't about anything bad. His answer was that he didn't want me to be worried.

He had been crying almost from the beginning of the conversation when he realized that I probably wouldn't want an open relationship, and I don't quite remember everything I said when it was my turn to speak. I was having trouble staying on the phone with him. At one point, he cut me off abruptly:

"I have to go to the bathroom."

He didn't say "be right back" or wait for me to say "okay." He just walked away from the phone. I didn't know what to do anymore, what to say. I hung up on the silence and called L...

Surprise!

2006-09-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

He wants an open relationship.

I need to talk to you about something

2006-09-21T08:31:00.000-04:00

I received a voicemail yesterday from boyfriend in which he said "Hey, I'm just calling to say hi and I want to talk to you, give me a call back anytime."

I called him back, and he says "Oh... I'm about to go get a movie and hang out with Loser 2. Will you be awake for a while? I want to talk to you about something." He sounded serious, or kind of down or something.

It was midnight already. "I can wait for a little bit but not if you plan on watching the movie first."

"Oh... well... when are you available tomorrow?" I was kind of annoyed that if he had something to talk about he wasn't willing to call me before watching a movie, but I told him when I would be free.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, rather worried.

"No, nothing like that." Did he pause before he answered? I couldn't tell.

"You're freaking me out!" Why the hell couldn't he tell me what was going on?

"Don't worry, it's nothing bad." But his tone didn't reassure me. "I'll call you tomorrow."

So now I wait.

Boyfriend counseling

2006-09-19T15:11:00.000-04:00

Of my girl friends, I'm pretty much the only one who's had a serious relationship. One of my friends has never had a boyfriend, and she's twenty! Their lack of romance is frustrating when I tell them about problems I have with boyfriend. Their responses are usually "That sucks" or "That's never happened to me," followed by a "Sorry I can't help." But I'm grateful for their listening ears.

And of course, since I'm the most experienced, I am the one everyone comes to when they finally do have a love interest. A few weekends ago, I was accosted by three friends from home who all called me to ask for relationship advice. "Why is he ignoring me?" "When should I call him?" "That's a good sign, right?"

And finally, I'm now the sex advice person for some of my friends. I would offer advice to my readers, but I'm sure I haven't presented myself as very objective of "on top of it" when it comes to relationships.

Still, it's nice to be the rock for once.

Men surprise you

2006-09-18T10:31:00.000-04:00

I had written an email that could potentially have irritated him. I woke up the next day with trepidation. It was one of those times when you realize that you probably made a mistake. Why did I have to be whiny and needy? I opened my email, afraid to find out what had happened. Would he even email me back?

He did. Here's what he wrote:

"i know how you feel baby (obviously). i think about you all the time, even though we don't talk a whole lot right now, i'm thinking about you constantly, especially before i go to bed every night. whenever i call you or after i email you, i lie in bed thinking of you, missing you, wishing you were next to me, until i fall asleep. we've chosen kind of a hard life by choosing to stay committed to each other, i know it's been really tough on both of us and we've been through a lot of trials in our relationship from dating other people to breaking up, not talking at all for a long period of time, fighting, but then always working something out. it's not going to get any easier i don't think, but having you in my life is worth every second of grief that i have. i know you don't always feel super confident and feel self conscious sometimes about our relationship and yourself, but the fact that you have made this work with me (as have i) proves to me how strong you are. we are very strong [MBIC], and no matter what happens in the future, we can take on a lot of bullshit and still love each other and stay committed to each other on some level.

i love you more than anything in the world. i would trade any joy or passion that i have in my life just to be able to be close to you, to be with you, hug you, kiss you anytime i wanted. i love you so much, and no matter what, always remember that. and one of my top goals in life is to make you happy. you are such a beautiful and strong person and i admire you so much. i love you [MBIC]. i'll talk to you tomorrow baby

love [boyfriend]

ps: we should have phone sex more often when i move up to [school] ;-)"

Wow. Looks like we were all wrong. :) Who likes my boyfriend now?

Mistake Email?

2006-09-16T00:40:00.000-04:00

Late on Thursday night, I was feeling a little down. Since I got back to school three weeks ago, boyfriend and I have only had one long conversation - an hour. Otherwise, we talk for about ten minutes a day. He calls when he's free and I'm not, or I call when he's not free. The time difference doesn't help, either.

I drafted an email. It started sweet, but by the time I was done I couldn't tell if it was sweet or needy, or both. Worse, I couldn't tell if boyfriend would get defensive or angry about it. But I decided to send it, because if he has a problem with me expressing my feelings, it's not fair to me.

The email is below...

"I'm going to put it plainly. I miss you a lot. I miss it when we both had the free time to just sit and talk on the phone about silly things, and have phone sex. I miss talking on IM with you. I miss actually knowing when you are on IM [his status is never reliable anymore]. I miss reading the Long Distance Relationship book together. I miss remembering every night with you because they all used to be so special. I miss you opening doors for me, and being surprised that you did it. I miss us talking about things and finding out that we agree about something I thought we would disagree about. I miss getting your emails, when they were long and an entire paragraph was devoted to expressing how much you loved and missed me. I miss you convincing me to take pictures of myself or to go to the closet to masturbate on the phone with you so my roommates wouldn't hear. I miss knowing when you want me. I miss you sending me pictures and songs. I miss being afraid that we'd used up too many minutes on our cell phones, or waiting until the exact moment that calling was free so we could talk.

I miss everything, but those are the things I miss the most."

On Monday I'll post boyfriend's response - any guesses as to what it might've said?

Deleting a loved one - technically vs emotionally

2006-09-14T23:37:00.000-04:00

The more attached you become to someone, the more you let them into your life. Some moments are symbolic - like changing your myspace status to "In a Relationship", while we are oblivious to others. After dating boyfriend for almost three years, there are so many things that I would have to change if we were to break up:

- Myspace and Facebook relationship status
- Top 8 on Myspace
- Ringtone for his calls
- Picture that pops up on my phone when he calls
- Speed dial number (as in, take him off of it)
- Stuffed animal I sleep with (shut up...)
- Night shirts I sleep in
- Pictures in my frames
- The necklace he gave me... are we supposed to keep these things when they're so sentimental?

And then there are things that you can't erase, at least not completely. The things that seem to take forever to stop haunting you. Things that remind me of him:

- Green Day
- REM
- Pixies
- Computer Science
- Ebay
- Converses
- Friends, Nip/Tuck
- Italians
- Spaghetti (especially when served with clam sauce)
- Heineken
- Chivalry
- A lack of fashion sense
- Poor money management
- Guys who are capable of being silly
- People who don't plan
- Saturns
- Cold Stone Creamery
- Baseball hat wearers
- Baseball, especially the Mariners
- Condoms and anything else sexual; birth control pills/other
- House painting
- References to high school dances, especially Homecoming and Prom
- Compliments about my looks that are not designed to get me into bed, especially the phrase "You're pretty"
- Local rock bands
- Team America
- Guitar Center
- Bad handwriting
- New Jersey
- Long distance relationships
- Yellow lab dogs

... No, we're not breaking up. I was just thinking about this when I added a picture to personalize the screen on my phone when he calls.

Rejected in Translation

2006-09-13T09:12:00.000-04:00

There seems to be an assumption that is made by boys at my school that if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would date them. They are wrong.

I am the pickiest girl I have ever met. Of all the guys that go to school with me, I've only met one with boyfriend potential. And obviously, I'm not dating him.

Last year, the one with boyfriend potential, BP, and I became good friends. I met his best friend, Slightly Dorky, and had a lot of fun hanging out with them. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Slightly Dorky made a move on me when I was drunk. This was technically okay because I was in an "open" relationship with boyfriend at the time. It was not okay because I didn't like him and I was drunk. I spent the night in his room only because I was too wasted to walk back to my own.

Slightly Dorky brought me hand-picked flowers the next day. I very awkwardly accepted them and slunk back to my room. I had to stop whatever was happening.

The next time I spoke to Slightly Dorky was on IM, so I quickly told him that what happened was a mistake. I didn't like him, and I was with my boyfriend anyway. He was crushed.

The next year, Slightly Dorky was abroad in Japan. I missed him because we'd had a lot of fun together before the bad event, and BP was being a bad friend.

This year, Slightly Dorky is on campus, I'm on campus... we went to a party together, and when he was leaving he invited me to go with him and his friends. I went along.

One of Slightly Dorky's friends was a visitor from another college, the Swede. As the three of us were sitting on a couch, we discovered that the Swede knew both French and Japanese. Slightly Dorky knew Japanese, and I knew French.

A wonderful idea came to me: let's have a conversation and the Swede translates! Everyone was excited.

I had been thinking of silly things to say, but unfortunately, Slightly Dorky went first. The Swede said, "Slightly Dorky wants to know if you're indifferent to him, if you're friends, or if you're more than that."

I had been planning to say something about cheese and wine. Crap.

The poor Swede ended up translating a very uncomfortable conversation in which I said "I have a boyfriend, but I do want to be friends, but I don't want to be the type of friend you don't hang out with." Slightly Dorky spent 15 minutes consulting the Swede, who would then report back "He loves you."

Great.

Finally it was 4:30am and Slightly Dorky told the Swede he was going to bed. He walked up to his room without saying goodbye to me.

Awkward?

The 3 year anniversary - a dilemma

2006-09-12T11:36:00.000-04:00

My 3 year anniversary with boyfriend is this October. I am pretty excited, because I think I will be able to see him. My school has a fall break that usually coincides almost exactly with our anniversary.

Our first year, I got him a digital camera. Our second year, we were on a break. This year, I'm stumped at what to get him.

The other thing is, I'm flying out to see him, which will be paid for by my dad (through air-miles). But I was only able to negotiate for those miles because my dad told me he would pay for a flight that I paid for myself to come visit him. The flight cost $380 and by taking the miles, I forfeit my right to be paid back. So I already feel like I'm spending $380 to go see boyfriend.

What should I get him? Here's a list of past gifts.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Goodbye sex, pt II: the sex

2006-09-08T10:48:00.000-04:00

This post is sexually explicit. I would apologize, but I think you wanted it.

We hadn't had sex in over a week. That may not mean a lot to boyfriend, since I had been giving him blowjobs, but it meant a lot to my g-spot - all the attention of the past week had been given to my clit.

We got to my room, and he slipped off his pants. I wanted him to undress me, but if he was doing his own work, then I might as well do mine. I took off my pants to reveal my white mesh low-rise boyshorts. "oooooh!" Boyfriend said. I would tease him more, but I really wanted sex, now, so I daintily slid the panties to my feet and stepped out of them. I then joined him on the bed. By this point, he was naked as well.

I kissed him the way you do when kissing isn't enough; I scratched his back and pushed myself against his hardened penis. Boyfriend slid his hand down to my thigh and massaged my clit. I couldn't wait any longer.

Neither could he. "Fuck me," he said, laying back as I straddled him. I rested myself just on top of the head of his penis, barely touching it, and slid down the length of his shaft, teasing him for a minute before finally guiding him inside me.

I was in control, deciding how fast and how deep to go, him making occasional thrusts. But it had been so long and I had wanted it so badly that I could feel it coming within a few minutes of starting. Like right before you sneeze, only inside me and I could decide when the sneeze came. He saw the expression on my face and heard the catch in my breathing. "Yeah baby, come. I want to watch you come."

I did. I came for so long that it almost hurt from feeling so intense. I breathed into boyfriend's skin, I bit him and scratched him, and breathlessly murmured how good it felt. When I was done, I paused, then said "Okay," and asked him what he wanted to do next. It was the last night I could be with him, and he had given me such an amazing orgasm. "Whatever you want," I said, "I'll do it. Anything."

"Like what?" Boyfriend said, not quite understanding what I meant.

"Like dressing up, or anything you can think of that you want me to do."

"Do you still have that school girl outfit?" Boyfriend asked.

He went to the bathroom to wash off his dick, so I wouldn't have to deal with the condom smell. While he was inside, I put on my plaid skirt, a tight white shirt, black bra, and white knee highs. No panties.

Boyfriend came back and lay on the bed. He instructed me to strip off my shirt and bra, which I did slowly and confidently while maintaining eye contact. I joined him on the bed and touched him a little, but he stopped me and said, "Do the innocent thing."

One day when I was fooling around with him, I started pretending I had never done anything before. "How should I hold it? How fast should I do it? Ohmygosh, it feels funny!" He liked it a lot.

That night, boyfriend proceeded to teach me to give him a blowjob.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Goodbye sex, pt I: pre-sex

2006-09-07T11:52:00.000-04:00

If we know me by now, we know that I read a lot - maybe too much - into sex. Does he want it enough, does he initiate it enough, what does it mean when he doesn't want it or if I consistently want it more than he does, do I even want it more than he does, or do I just think he should want it more, etc.

When I hurt my leg, me and boyfriend stopped having sex. We did it once afterwards, and it worsened the injury a little. So I started giving blowjobs and handjobs, and he reciprocated. And he didn't complain, not once. There are two ways to interpret this.

1) What an incredibly wonderful and understanding boyfriend! He refuses to complain in spite of the lack of sex because he knows that I am injured and doesn't want to make me feel inadequate. Furthermore, I give great blowjobs.

2) Doesn't he seem a little too okay with the sex vacay? I mean, I'm glad he isn't mad at me for something I can't help, but he can still express that he wants it, or wishes I wasn't hurt, or something. At least then I would know that I was desired. No?

I couldn't help but wondering.

"So," I asked in bed one night, "if my leg wasn't hurt, would you want to have sex more than we have been having lately?"

"Yeah." Not emphatic, but not dismissive either.

"Okay, just checking," I responded quickly, sounding like the verbal equivalent of a dorky thumbs-up. I wasn't sure whether to feel silly for asking, and how much to really believe him.

Around the last weekend I was in town, I made a sexual innuendo and boyfriend expressed a concern about me hurting my leg.

"Then we'll be careful, but I'm not missing goodbye sex with you," I said, very firmly.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Frustrating Saturday night/Sunday morning

2006-09-06T12:15:00.000-04:00

When you're in a long distance relationship, there is a sort of cycle you undergo when you're finally together. When you first see each other, you cherish every moment and attempt to spend as much time as possible together. This lasts for a few days or a week. Following this, you begin to acclimate yourselves to each others' presence, and seek each others' company as you might if you were around each other all the time. You might see each other all the time still, but you have mentally moved on to the "It's always been like this" phase. This lasts until the final stage, which comes on during the last few days of a visit. The last phase is the "Oh my God I'm really leaving and I don't know when I'm going to see you again and I hope we're going to be okay" phase. Or, the OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase for short.

The OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase set on for me on my last Saturday with boyfriend. My parents were out of town since Friday night, and wouldn't be back until Sunday. On Sunday I would be packing, and Monday morning I was leaving. So Saturday, I realized, was my last real day with boyfriend. I started thinking about all the things we said we were going to do over the summer, and over the weekend. We were going to watch Snakes on a Plane. We were going to go to the falls nearby and out to dinner. We were going to take horny pills from Lover's Package and see what happened.

I knew we wouldn't fit all of these things in, but I was desperate to fit at least one. The dinner and falls were ruined when boyfriend said "My mom said we're having barbeque tonight, do you want to eat dinner at my place?"

"Okay, sure." Hey, it's free food.

I made a stab at the Lover's Package idea. I may have had a bum leg, but I wasn't going to skip goodbye sex. I asked boyfriend if he was interested.

"Well I don't want to drive down to Lover's Package, I'm tired of driving."

"Really? It's like a five minute drive. If you don't want to go though, I'll go get them and meet you at your parents' for dinner."

Boyfriend agreed. I have never been to Lover's Package, and I wasn't sure whether this situation called for embarrassment. Furthermore, I wasn't going with friends, or even a lover. I decided to act natural, but put on some make up before entering.

There was a lot of stuff there, and for some reason I averted my eyes. I would love to get a vibrator, but that's not what I was there for and I wanted to act nonchalant about the situation. "Slow day?" I asked the cashier. We chatted while she showed me the horny pills. I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out which ones were for both men and women, and finally made my purchase. On the way out I glimpsed some negligees and wished I had the time and money to make those worth the buy.

I met boyfriend at his house and ate dinner with his family, who I adore as usual. When we finally came back to my house, I was excited to try out the pills. A and AW were coming over in three hours, so now would be the time.

Boyfriend, however, wanted to watch Stand By Me. I explained the predicament, but agreed to watch it. When the movie ended, we still had an hour... and boyfriend started watching the extra features. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know. I told him I would call A and tell her we could hang out later. When I got off the phone, having replaced late-night hanging out with a breakfast meeting, boyfriend was dozing. I was annoyed. I woke him up and asked him if he wanted to go to bed, and he said he wanted to go home.

Here we were, the last night he could stay over without parents home, and not only had he forgone the horny pills I had made such an effort (not to mention expense) to go buy, but now he didn't even want to spend the night, and after I had ditched my friends to be with him. I was pretty hurt.

"You said to A that you were tired," Boyfriend said. I was tired, but when you're in the OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase, you are never too tired to be with your boyfriend.

I let him out the door and stayed up another two hours watching TV. I IMed him saying to call me whenever.

I woke up and got ready for my breakfast with A. As I was putting my contacts in, boyfriend called. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for breakfast with A."

Boyfriend sounded disappointed. I didn't invite him. "Why are you calling, I thought you had stuff to do?" I asked, annoyed.

"I do, I just have a couple hours and I wanted to see you. I miss you."

Apparently, the final stage of the visit had kicked in for boyfriend 24 hours after it had for me. He has the worst timing.

Last weekend with boyfriend II: The talk about "us", pt II

2006-09-05T08:32:00.000-04:00

Boyfriend didn't want to talk again the next day, so I had some time to think. It was actually really nice to spend time with him even though we hadn't finished the discussion.

He needed me to have no expectations about when he would call me or otherwise contact me. This thought rolled over and over in my mind. Could I handle that? Then I thought of something else he had said. I asked him how often he wanted to call me, and he said "every day, if it's possible." That was comforting.

Our last weekend came, and we still hadn't finished talking. I knew boyfriend wasn't going to bring it up, so finally I did. I said,

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said you need. And I can't live without expectations, but that doesn't mean I need expectations like 'You'll call me every day at x time;' I can have expectations like 'We're going to talk a lot, keep in touch, and maintain a good connection.' So I can have expectations that work with your needs."

Boyfriend looked both unconvinced and frustrated. Why was he so angry already? I had just told him I would give him what he wanted.

"But we should finish talking about what we need from each other." I needed to finish the conversation completely so we wouldn't leave with loose ends and questions in the air. I needed to make sure I would be able to tell him if something wasn't working.

"Well, I don't have anything to say." Boyfriend sat with his arms crossed, not looking at me.

Boyfriend said that he was tired of me always needing to plan things out. He wanted to just "see how things go" and not figure it out beforehand. He was unwilling to continue the conversation. The conversation was essential for me.

How do you get someone to have a serious conversation about your relationship when they are unwilling to talk with you or even listen to you?

"I told you I would meet one of your expectations that's very important to you. This conversation is important to me. I know you don't want to have it, and that really hurts my feelings. But all I'm asking is for you to do this, for me, and then we can stop talking about it."

Boyfriend was unmoved. He said he is tired of talking about our relationship, in spite of the fact that he had committed to a conversation earlier in the summer.

I said it wouldn't be so tiresome if we figured out a way to do it without irritating each other. Furthermore, if we couldn't talk about our relationship, we couldn't have one. Communication is pretty important. Imagine someone telling you that you are not allowed to tell them that they have hurt your feelings. In what world is that fair?

"You don't want to have arguments and talk about our relationship needlessly next year," I said, "I don't either. And what I'm telling you is that if I am happy with the state of our relationship, I will not come to you with problems and we won't have as many arguments."

Again, boyfriend said "I don't want to plan this kind of thing out, I don't know why you always have to plan ahead."

"What happens when you 'see how things go' but you never actually step back and talk about it? We've seen how things went for about two years, and you know what works and doesn't work for you, and I know what works and doesn't work for me. So we have 'seen how things go.' It's time to figure out what things are working and what things to fix."

I tried to frame it in a way he would understand. I tried to put the blame on myself. Boyfriend continued to refuse to offer any advice, but when I started to hold back tears, he got up from his chair and came over to the couch I was sitting on, and he lay down and pulled me down with him and hugged me. He responded to the questions I asked, and seemed to agree that it is important for either of us to bring up problems we are having whenever we want to.

That conversation would have been so much easier if he just let us talk. If he contributed to the conversation. I don't know what I'm going to do if I encounter this problem again, because I think it is unacceptable.

Last weekend with boyfriend II: The talk about "us", pt I

2006-09-01T23:58:00.000-04:00

Earlier in the week, boyfriend and I had started talking about our relationship during the coming school year. The conversation was unplanned and started off innocently, but boyfriend very quickly became defensive.

I started out by asking him what he wanted for the coming year. He told me that in order to continue our relationship, he needed me to have no expectations about when he would call me or otherwise contact me. And since I am a woman whose life runs based on various plans, lists, and expectations, I said that was an impossible demand. It sounded like he didn't want to call me at all this year, and wanted me to be okay with that.

The conversation quickly devolved to accusations like "you say that's what you're going to do, but that's not what you did last year". Boyfriend closed down, stopped listening to everything I said, and started using words like "bullshit" and "crap." Hint: When you're trying to strike a compromise, perhaps using a thesaurus for such words would be more appropriate. Keep in mind, there was no disrespect coming from my side. In the last argument we had, he used similarly disrespectful language. I couldn't let this slide.

"I think we need to talk about the words we're using right now," I said as calmly as I could.

"Why?" Boyfriend sounded angry, filling a glass of water at the sink.

"It's hurtful to me, and it's not productive in any way. We need to be respectful towards each other, and I don't feel like you're doing that right now." I was sure my voice was shaking, but also sure that my conviction was merited.

Boyfriend sat back down across from me at the dining room table with his glass of water. "I can stop saying swear words, I can stop saying fuck and shit, and I can candy-coat it for you, but it's still what I'm thinking in my head."

"Well that's not good either, but we should leave hurtful language out of it." Did he not get it? It's not just the swearing; it's the fidgeting, the lack of eye contact, the tone of voice.

And then his parents came home so I pretended that I wasn't just crying while I finished a now-cold bowl of soup that was still in front of me.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Smoking together

2006-08-31T10:55:00.000-04:00

On Friday night, boyfriend and I played poker with his family. Boyfriend was out first, followed by me, and we ducked out early to go back to my place, which was parent-free. Neither of us had eaten dinner, so we ran by the grocery store and got microwave meals for a quick fix. Boyfriend brought the weed. We smoked a joint together, then finished the rest with a pipe. It was really fun smoking with him alone.

Our microwave dinners seemed to take forever to heat up. While we were waiting, boyfriend hugged me and massaged me and kissed me. It was the most adorable thing. And it led me to this conclusion (confirmed by the boy himself): boyfriend isn’t gay when he’s high; he’s just affectionate in general. And it’s a good thing he doesn’t get affectionate with other women (I asked), so I’ll be happy for now with him cuddling with guys.

After we ate, we went to the guest bedroom and fooled around, and then we cuddled and fell asleep together.

Overall, a superb experience.

The sun will come out... tomorrow

2006-08-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. I am back at school, far from boyfriend. Lots of things to post about starting sometime tomorrow, including:

- Smoking together
- Finally having a talk about "us" during the school year
- Frustrating Saturday night/Sunday morning
- Goodbye sex

I know you're excited

Caught on camera

2006-08-24T11:12:00.000-04:00

I don't usually notice when guys are checking me out. I've been told time and again, by any variety of people (my friends, my mother, the guys themselves...) that someone is/was looking at me. I usually deny it and return to the previous conversation.

However, I have been trying to notice such occurrences more often. Why? Because it's fun and it helps my self esteem when others confirm that I'm attractive. After all, who doesn't like a compliment?

It helps me pick up on such glances when I'm the only female in the room who's not middle aged. The other day at the bank, I stood in line just behind a guy around my age who was there with his mother. It's kind of easy to notice someone looking at you when they have to turn around to do it.

I glanced away, trying to seem interested in the safety deposit boxes on my left. I rarely make eye contact with my admirers. It's rather uncomfortable.

Finally, the obsession with the safety deposit boxes started to seem a tad ridiculous, so I looked up at the security camera monitor.

I was at the counter when he left with his mom. Just to make sure he was really, for sure looking at me, I watched the security monitor. Before leaving, the guy turned around and checked out my ass one final time, before leaving the bank.

You wanted more details?

2006-08-23T12:39:00.000-04:00

Okay, I didn't explain how it was. I'm kind of a blogging tease. But I'll tell you now.

It was good, not embarrassing at all (maybe it helped that the lights were out and my eyes were closed most of the time...). Boyfriend didn't do too shabby, but I don't think he was ready to take much instruction and I didn't want to pressure him, so I just told him when something felt really good. There were several times when he did something that felt pretty amazing, which is promising. And then I started wondering what he was doing - was he doing the alphabet? What was he thinking about?

He stopped after a few minutes, and the first thing he said when he came up for air was:

"I can't believe we waited so long to do this." I agreed.

How was it for him? He said it was really weird for him, as he's not used to things being so slippery (his saliva of course; I wasn't that wet!).

He also said he heard that it tastes awful, but he didn't mind it at all. That's a great sign for me! Then we cuddled. (Don't worry about my orgasm, later that night he fingered me and we had sex.)

I was listening to some guys on the radio talk about how women taste, and if they could pick something to have her taste like, they'd rather she taste like a burrito.

What do you want a woman to taste like when you're going down on her? And ladies, how would you like to taste?

Oral sex: check!

2006-08-22T10:44:00.000-04:00

Recently, I admitted that I had never received oral sex. However, that is no longer true.

On Saturday night, before the pot-smoking, boyfriend and I were all alone. I pushed him onto the couch and kneeled down to give him a blowjob. When my work was completed, I sat back on the couch with him.

Boyfriend leaned over and said "Well, what about you? I want to return the favor." I was glad that he was so intent on making me happy - when a man has already been given an orgasm, it's sometimes hard to convince him to do the same for you.

"Well... we could try you going down on me, but I want to wait a little while." It's harder for me to get turned on when I know that boyfriend isn't. It's always sexier to know that he is turned on, and if he just blew his load, that's a little harder to imagine.

Boyfriend agreed. A while later, we undressed each other and made out in his living room. Boyfriend kept touching me, which made me nervous. Maybe I should have had something to drink to calm me down.

But alas, it was too late to chicken out. We went upstairs and lay down on the bed. Unfortunately, boyfriend's room has no window coverings and the neighbors were home and able to see us if they so desired. So we had to proceed with the lights off.

"I'm nervous," I said to boyfriend when he asked me what I wanted to do.

"I am too," he replied. I realized that he had more reason to be nervous that I did - he had never given oral sex before, and now he had to do it for his first time with the lights off. It was my turn to be encouraging.

"Don't worry, I'm sure it will be great. I don't expect anything except to just try it out."

He nodded, then started kissing down my stomach, then up my thighs, and then finally the place he had never kissed before.

Marijuana makes him gay?

2006-08-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

Not a lot of stuff really weirds me out. Sometimes boyfriend does things that I disapprove of, or find immature, but over time I've gotten over a lot of those things. But what happened on Saturday truly disturbed me.

Me and boyfriend had plans to hang out, and I was going to spend the night because his parents were out of town. Boyfriend called me and said that Loser 1 was coming to town, and bringing some pot. This was exciting, as it's been a while since I've smoked and I wanted to smoke with boyfriend before the end of the summer.

So we get the weed and set up our pipes and a hookah, and get really super high. Of course, Harold and Kumar is on the TV. I go over to the couch to cuddle with boyfriend, who is being sooo adorable (i.e. air kissing from across the room, whispering "I love you" in my ear - all with his friends around us).

Then, out of nowhere, Loser 1 looks over at boyfriend and says: "Cuddle time!"

I look at boyfriend, confused. He is smiling. "Cuddle time??? What are you talking about?"

Boyfriend explains, "It's a tradition. Whenever me and Loser 1 get high, we cuddle. We have to do it."

"Why? Why do you do it? That is fucked up."

"It feels good! C'mon, don't tell me you don't do it with your girl friends."

"Um... no, I don't."

"Oh. Well you should. It'll only take a minute, c'mon! It's a tradition, we can't break it."

Boyfriend pulled himself out from under me to cuddle with Loser 1. I sat there, pissed off and freaked out.

Not only does he cuddle with another guy when he gets high, (which I refuse to get over) but he stopped cuddling with me so he could go cuddle with him. What the hell...

Shacking up police

2006-08-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

After dating boyfriend for almost 3 years, I feel like we deserve to spend time together. But we won't be able to, unless I quit school and move back home, or he quits school and moves to New York. So, barring those unlikely events, the most likely outcome is that we will be able to live near each other when we graduate from college.

In two years.

That will put the relationship at 5+ years. And I think that's a long time to wait to move in with each other. My mother, however, feels differently.

It just slipped out in conversation; "If you come to visit me after college, you can stay at my place because I'll probably be living with someone who knows you well. Like L, or boyfriend."

My mother made a face.

"Did I say boyfriend? I meant with L."

Mother: "Yeah, with L. I don't want you shacking up with a boy right after you get out of college."

Awkward...

Foreplay

2006-08-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

Boyfriend is super cute. Every time I call him, the first words out of his mouth are "I miss you," even when we've seen each other the day before.

Last night, we were watching Nip/Tuck, and I couldn't stop looking over at him. It was one of those nights where he looked so great even though he was just his usual self. His hair even smelled great. After an episode, we made out on the couch and then he whisked me away to my room. In spite of my hurt leg, he was able to get me off with his hands, after which I proceeded to give him an awesome handjob.

When I can't have sex with him, I feel like I need to do an extra good job giving sexual favors. As if to remind him that I'm still worth his time. I know he doesn't expect to get anything, but I think he finds it sexy that I enjoy pleasuring him enough to initiate it when I can't receive anything in return. And I really do enjoy it, I love feeling him in my hands, playing with his cock, looking at it, kissing it, bringing him to the edge of orgasm and then stopping, only to do the same thing over. That is how I did him last night.

I'm glad we waited as long as we did to have sex (a year and a half). Because I feel like I know his dick so much better, and much more confident with my sexual abilities. I know I give a good handjob and good blowjob (to him at least). It's a great feeling.

What's really cute is when he wants me to spoon him.

Long distance - side effects include...

2006-08-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I injured my leg last night, it's hard to walk, or even get into a sitting position. So I don't see much sex happening in the near future. But even with my messed up leg, I pulled boyfriend over and gave him a Bluelovergirl blowjob. Not 100% the same, but with my own personal flair. Anyway, nothing else to post but something that's been on my mind for a while...***

I don't want to be one of those girlfriends. The "You didn't call me the nanosecond you were free!" Or the "Why don't you want to hang out every day?" girlfriend. I like having independence. It's one of the only plus sides of having a long distance relationship - I can do whatever I want, as if I was single, and not feel like I should be with him, or he should be with me, or I'm smothering him. In that sense, it's great.

But the long distance explains why I sometimes get so upset when we aren't together constantly (the needy factor). It's because every time we're near each other, there is an urgency. It's always in my mind: I'm leaving at the end of the summer, end of the winter break, end of spring break. I don't want to get upset about not seeing him for a day, but when I only have another two weeks with him, one day becomes so much more important. Even an hour becomes important. If we were near each other all the time, it wouldn't matter. I would just say, "Who cares, I'll see him whenever."

It's impossible to be breezy when you have a time limit.

*** If this post comes out odd, re-read it keeping in mind that I am on muscle relaxants... I wonder if my gag reflex is gone?

Not ready for third base

2006-08-14T10:48:00.000-04:00

I have never received oral sex.

When I first started dating boyfriend, I was of the opinion that receiving oral sex would be awkward, gross, and otherwise unpleasurable. It's what the rumors were at my high school. It's what my more-experienced, older friend told me. So when boyfriend timidly suggested it, after I had given him many blowjobs, I refused him in no uncertain terms: I never wanted to be "eaten out," ever.

Oops.

After hearing alternate opinions when I started going to college, and being pestered about why I would ever pass up such a chance, I started to change my mind. Just a little.

I tentatively told boyfriend that I would be interested. He seemed excited, but whenever he brought up the subject, we would be in public and I would tell him I wasn't ready yet. Although I became more and more ready, boyfriend got tired of asking me and being turned down. Even worse, we only see each other for a third of the year due to long distance.

So this summer, I've had to hint to boyfriend that we should try it. He sort of nods and says okay, but doesn't sound excited. Why? Probably because he's satisfied with having sex and getting head. I became saddened.

Until last night. I was playing around with Bruce, putting him in my mouth, and boyfriend was making some pretty surprising sounds. As I pulled myself up (no, I was not giving him a freebeejay), boyfriend kissed me and then asked me if I wanted to try it out. Y'know... oral sex. I was stunned. He hadn't mentioned it in forever, and as such I wasn't mentally prepared for such a proposal. I said:

"Well, I would want to. Except I haven't showered since this morning, and we've been swimming in a dirty lake, and I wanted to ask you things like how you wanted me to be shaved and such..."

Boyfriend's answer was perfect.

"I know, it's okay. I just really want to do it. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I really want to do it because I want to please you the way you please me. Because I love you and I care about you."

So... any oral sex tips on receiving? Is it necessary to be completely shaved? If not, what would be the perfect "well-groomed," oral-sex-ready pussy? Anything else?

Bad ideas

2006-08-10T16:53:00.000-04:00

Bad idea: Have hurried sex without lube.
Good idea: Stop and finish off by other means.

Bad idea: Plan out when you will have sex again.
Good idea: Do it anyway.

About 3 minutes after we started having sex, boyfriend said (sounding very helpless) "I'm gonna come!"

"DON'T!" I said. Then, "What? Really?!"

He then laughed at me. "Gotcha!"

Unplanned = Uninterested?

2006-08-09T16:50:00.000-04:00

He was gone for a week.

On Monday, I was sick and he wasn't free until 9:30. He came over with soup and stayed for about an hour.

On Tuesday, he invited me to see Miami Vice with him and a friend, but I didn't want to go and it was too late at night anyway (does he forget I have a job?).

So at this point, every minute counts. Right? So today I returned his call and we discussed the night's plans. He had invited me to see an outdoor movie in the park. Cute, but he had invited his dad to come too, so not exactly a date. He said he had to go pick up a check near my place of work at 6pm, and then go home and shower, and seating starts at 7pm.

I suggested dinner together between 5 and 6, so we could see each other for an hour.

Boyfriend: "Well, call me when you get off work."

Me: "If I do that and you're not here, it will take 30 minutes before we meet up and we won't have a whole hour together."

Boyfriend, dismissively: "I don't plan these things out in advance."

Me, frustrated: "But if we want to see each other, we'd have to plan it out. We could plan to meet somewhere. Will you be in town at 5?"

Boyfriend: "I don't know, maybe. I'll call you."

I know he doesn't plan things out, but that seems a little ridiculous. When we're really busy, we need to plan or we end up not seeing each other, or only seeing each other for 10 minutes. How much would it take for him to make a PLAN to spend as much time as possible with me?

Back in time

2006-08-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

If you remember how I met and started dating boyfriend, you remember that Loser 1 asked me out before I got a chance to make a move on boyfriend. Since then, I found out that Losers 1 and 2, though they follow boyfriend around like kittens chasing catnip, are jealous of him and take their insecurities out on him. I've heard them say things like "You only picked him because of looks" or "He's always gotten all the girls."

Well, they're not very attractive, but I've always been glad with my choice because I later found out how misogynistic the Losers are. And obviously, how wonderful boyfriend is.

However, Loser 1 in particular has lost about 5 million pounds in the last few months, started going back to school, and got a job. Go him! I'm happy for him.

Any guy who used to draw looks of disgust from women would probably be pretty self-conscious. And if he lost all that weight, he would probably relish compliments from someone he finds attractive.

But Loser 1 should not have asked me what he asked me.

On Friday night, A drunk-dialed him and handed the phone off to me. I, being the cocktease I am, made some "sexy" (to me and A, humorous) comments. At the end of the phone call, he said:

"MBIC, if this was back when we all first met, and I looked then the way I look now, and I asked you to the dance, would you have picked me instead of boyfriend?"

...

As L put it when I told her his question, "That's not the only problem with him."

As I put it when he asked me, "That's impossible to answer; I love boyfriend."

Implying. Not faking.

2006-08-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

I picked boyfriend up at the airport on Sunday.

I was still on my period, and his stepdad was home, so we couldn't have sex. But as soon as we were alone in a room, he attacked me with some pretty amazing kisses. I could tell how incredibly horny he was. It made me horny as well. We lay together, me giving him a handjob while he stimulated my clit. Usually, I come first and then finish him off. If he gets close to coming, I slow down or stop while he recoups.

But I couldn't get off, as much as I wanted to. It felt pretty good. Every once in a while, there seemed to be promise of an orgasm in the distance. But it didn't happen, and after a while, I felt so guilty that I couldn't enjoy it anymore and I just wanted to get him off and get it over with.

So... I wouldn't say I faked it. I just... made a few more noises than I had to. And then said "Okay," which means "you can stop now." It also usually means "I came." But I never actually said that I came. No lying.

Why should I feel like I have to get off? If he can't get me off, he can't get me off. I'm not going to pretend anymore (I still won't call it faking).

Sometimes email is better

2006-08-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

Boyfriend is still on his Jersey vacation. He called me last night before bed, but unfortunately I was at AW's house so we couldn't talk. On the bright side, I was watching Grey's Anatomy, so I have no regrets. We agreed to email. I wrote a lot of stuff about my day, and near the end I went out on a little ledge and said:

"And... it may sound really... strange? but writing this email has reminded me how much I miss writing emails that are so detailed & reflective like we used to our first year apart. And I love being able to tell you all this stuff without censoring myself and thinking you'll find it boring/stupid or whatever. And I hope you feel the same way...? Maybe? Because I really miss it and hope we might be able to rekindle it a little next year. Maybe."

There is always the risk here of saying something that boyfriend might not really connect with. So I was pleased at his reply email:

"so yea, we should definitely write a bunch of stuff in our emails next year. i think some of the everyday stuff that may be "boring" on the phone (or maybe not boring, but kind of...too routine) is easier on email because we can read it at our own pace."

What's that? He's afraid of boring me and wants to tell me the routine details of his day? He has adorable plans for us to talk about our lives next year? *sigh* I love him.

Poop for thought

2006-08-02T11:05:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while when I take a big smelly poop, I realize that I may not be ready to live with boyfriend.

I'm not ready for him to know that I have bodily functions.

"Compromise" means you lost

2006-08-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

Some men think that making a compromise with a woman means that they have allowed her to change them. They guard their opinions like territory that is constantly being invaded, and after agreeing to a compromise, think they have to remind everyone how much they are sacrificing by bitching constantly.

Some men need to relax.

Boyfriend and I have engaged in the fantasy discussion of having pets in our future. I am a cat lover and have been since the beginning of time. I absolutely adore them. Boyfriend is not only a dog lover, he is a cat hater. The type who laughs when the cat gets blown up in Boondock Saints. The type who tries to stifle your coos of joy when you see a kitten.

Still, I agreed to get a dog with him if he would indulge me on the cat. I only realized that we had not really struck a compromise when boyfriend continued to protest against our future cat.

Me: "We're going to get a puppy together!"

Him: "Yay!"

Me: "And then a kitty!!"

Him: "NO"

Every time the discussion came up, I had to re-convince him. Finally, a few weeks ago, I got tired of it. I said (bitched):

"I'm not asking you to like cats - continue to hate them. But we are getting one, because it's what I want. I agreed to a dog, and I will love our dog even though it's you who wants it. But we will also be getting a cat, and you are not allowed to hate our cat. Hate all other cats, I don't care about them. But the cat we get together is ours, and I don't want to constantly feel like I'm ruining your life by cuddling with a cute little pet that I want so much."

He grumbled something and all was forgotten.

This morning, in an email, boyfriend wrote:
"lets get a house. and a dog....(sigh) and maybe a cat"

... Did his balls just fall off?

Banning the hands

2006-07-31T03:33:00.000-04:00

Boyfriend left on Saturday for the annual vacation in New Jersey. I drove him to the airport, and we sat together after check-in for the last few minutes together.

Out of nowhere, in the middle of the airport, boyfriend said: "Do you want to... y'know, not do anything, until I get back?"

He was referring here to masturbation. I am usually the one who initiates such requests because for some reason I think it will be fun to wait. This is usually only true if I tease him relentlessly while such a ban is in place. I was caught quite off guard by the request. But delighted.

"Sure!" I leaned in and whispered, "I'm going to have to send you some pictures..."

A show-stopper

2006-07-28T10:47:00.000-04:00

In the middle of sex:

Boyfriend - "Hold on..."

Me - "What, why?"

Boyfriend - "Is that pot?"

Me - "What are you talking about?"

Boyfriend - "I smell weed. Did you buy weed?"

Me - "No... I don't smell anything"

Resume sex.

A slippery slope...?

2006-07-26T10:54:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a quick dinner out with boyfriend, and then we went to his house. Within five minutes, all his friends and family were there, and at 9:30 at night, the guys finally made some plans: Let's go bowling!

As per usual, they did not ask if any of the girls wanted to go (or if we could go), and instead of whining about changing plans, I simply told boyfriend I couldn't go because I had to work in the morning and by the time we got back it would be far too late. He seemed a bit concerned (that I might get mad, I think), but we said goodbye and I went home with L, where we talked about the situation. She agreed. The guys never check to make sure that the girls want to do whatever they're planning. It's okay most of the time, but every once in a while it gets irritating.

The guys ended up watching a movie instead of bowling. I called boyfriend to say goodnight and that I wished we could have spent more time together. He agreed, then offered to come over after the movie. Even though it was late, I said yes.

Boyfriend came over and immediately started kissing me. It was a tad uncomfortable since he knew that I wanted to talk to him about something. But we did talk. And somewhere in there, I asked him:

"What kinds of things do I do that make you feel loved?"

He pondered. "When you do things like get upset that we can't hang out."

Really? And here I thought that meant I was being needy and bitchy... hm... whatever works.

Finally we had sex. But something happened that I thought was a little weird (and worthy of this post's title). After I came, boyfriend said "I don't think I can come inside you because it's too wet." What? Does that happen?

Boyfriend-initiated marriage conversation

2006-07-24T11:04:00.000-04:00

I recently posted about what I call the "pre-word words." This is when me and boyfriend use euphemisms to express what we feel before taking the next step and actually saying it. (i.e. "you're my favorite" means "I love you") Eventually, the subjects get addressed and we end up just saying what we mean.

We've been together for over two and a half years, and never talked about the M-word. Every once in a while, I think about it. Who wouldn't? And then I wonder if he thinks about it. And then I realize that I am the woman and he is the man, and I can never be the one to break the ice when it comes to the M-word.

So it came as a surprise and a relief when he finally brought it up. We were driving in the car, almost at our destination.

"Do you ever think of us being married? Not right now, but... in the future?"

"Yeah, I think about that kind of thing all the time."

"Me too. And it always seems like such a taboo topic."

"I know! What kinds of things do you think of?"

"Oh you know, just things like how it would happen, how I would propose, where we would live, etc."

The conversation was ended abruptly when we arrived at our destination, and not resumed.

Funny, but even though he brought it up, I still don't feel comfortable saying anything about it in conversation. Just in case he's on the "no marriage" end of the see-saw when I do. When there was a proposal in a movie we saw together, I nudged him and then realized that was a little weird of me so I told him why I nudged him (the ring was perfect). And then I felt stupid. Oh well.

Clarity

2006-07-20T12:21:00.000-04:00

While I was visiting my dad, he set up an appointment for me to see a friend of his who is a psychologist. I knew him pretty well so it wasn't too awkward, and it helped a lot. I explained the situation to him and asked him if I'm crazy for freaking out over things that seem unimportant. He explained to me that there are three things going on.

1. Is that based on the recent events in our relationship, I am uncertain about his commitment to the relationship. As much as he says he is committed, I can't be reassured until I have more information and more time has gone by so that I feel comfortable.

2. Is that there are some behaviors that boyfriend is engaging in that are legitimate to get upset about. Setting up an expectation (i.e. I will call you later) and then not fulfilling it (i.e. not calling) is an example. When expectations don't match up with experience, it will always be upsetting.

3. Is that there are some behaviors that boyfriend is engaging in that are questionable to get upset about. For example, phrasing something in a way that makes me unhappy or not expressing a desire to hang out with my friends. Point being, I get upset because of #1 back there. If I was 100% confident in our relationship, these little things wouldn't bother me very much.

The solution? Spend the summer being happy, and have a talk a couple weeks before going back to school. When we talk, decide what kind of relationship we want during the next school year, what our needs are in the relationship, and whether we are willing and able to fill each others' needs.

And finally, I feel much better about the whole situation because now I know why I am freaking out, and also that I am not 100% crazy. Now all I have to do is tell boyfriend about the talk.

Falling short on the follow-through

2006-07-17T13:42:00.000-04:00

The past week, I've been across the country visiting my dad. The only contact me and boyfriend have had is through phone calls and text messages.

On Saturday night, I called him before bed and he was hanging out with friends. No problem. "Call me before you go to bed?" "Of course!"

I woke up the next day, no phone calls. It ruined my day. All I want is reciprocity. If he never said he would call, I wouldn't care. But he did say it, and he didn't do it. I hate it when my expectations are disappointed, especially when they aren't unreasonable.

The other reason it bothered me is that for the majority of the year we are in a long distance relationship, so the only way we communicate is on the phone. If I can't count on him to make the time to call me just because he's hanging out with his friends (who are his roommates next year), then I will constantly feel neglected. I'm not asking for hours every day, just 10 minutes. And I don't want him to stop "promising" to do things; I just want him to do what he says he will do.

I decided not to say anything to him, but wait until I come home and we talk. He called me while I was in a movie, so I called him back later and we talked for a bit (he seemed much less distracted without his friends around...). When he had to go, and with no prompting from me, he said "Call me before you go to bed, and I'll call you before I go to bed." I was doubtfully optimistic.

I called him before I went to bed. 1:05am. He had very little service, so I said "It's fine, just call me before you go to bed then." He agreed.

I woke up in the morning, no missed calls. I checked my phone. My last call was at 1:05am.

Since he had been so explicit, I decided to say something about it. I texted him:

Me: You didn't call :(

Him: Yea i did!

Me: When? Did i answer? My phone says the last call i got was at 1

Him: From who? Yea you answered. It was around 1

Me: Your time or mine? (I'm on the east coast, he's on the west)

Him: Mine

Me: I dont remember. what did we talk about?

Him: Just said hi and goodnight. Im pretty sure i remember. Maybe i dremt it. I gotta paint. Talk to you later tonight

Me: My phone doesn't have it in its records, you probably dreamt it. have a good day sweetheart.

This is the first time I've really wondered if he's lying to me. But if he forgot to call, why wouldn't he just say he was sorry? He knows that if he called it would show up on my phone, so maybe he really did think he called. Either way... I'm not too thrilled.

Naming Bruce

2006-07-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

I came across the idea of naming boyfriend's penis after we watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I wasn't trying to lose him, but I thought it would be funny to name his penis. He agreed.

"How about Princess Sophia?" (The name used in the movie)

"NO"

"Okay, fine. How about.... ooooh! Comrade Stalin!!"

"Hell no!"

In an effort to get him to agree to Comrade Stalin, I tried to think up something that would sound worse by comparison. I recalled that when he pretends to be gay, he introduces himself by saying "Hi, my name'th Bruthe"

Perfect! He would never allow his dick to sound gay!

"Okay, how about Bruce?"

pause

"Okay, that works."

The pre-word words

2006-07-12T21:25:00.000-04:00

In a relationship, there are words, and then there are the pre-word words.

Before we ever did anything sexual past kissing, we would kiss each others' shoulders and joke about giving each other "shoulder." Magically, this expression disappeared after handjobs and blowjobs were introduced.

Before we said "I love you," we said "You're my favorite." Anytime we came close to accidentally saying the L word, we could rely on the fallback phrase.

Before we were comfortable saying "Sex" or "Fuck", there was "Do it." ("Wanna do it?") Before I was comfortable with Penis or Dick or Cock, we named it Bruce, and we named my vagina Sally.

Now that we've gotten to Love, Sex, and Cock, the only thing left in our future (albeit uncertain) is marriage. Our euphemisms seem to be variations of "I wanna be with you" and "Can I keep you?" Sometimes the word "forever" is tossed in to make it simultaneously more cute and uncomfortable.

Boyfriend has slipped a few times recently. One of the most obvious was when talking about us getting a puppy. In his "I'm so committed and happy with you" voice, he said

"We're going to move in together, and then get a puppy, and then..." He paused and searched for a phrase to hide the verbal corner he'd backed into. "... be together."

Quite the euphemism, honey.

Caught...?

2006-07-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

On the weekend, I had a little fiesta at my house. In honor of my friend A's birthday, we bought alcohol, and everyone except A drank.

Boyfriend drank a lot. Then we played Fuck the Dealer and Shenanigans (both drinking games). A while after these games were over, I looked around and said "Has anyone seen boyfriend?"

"He walked off a while ago, I have no idea where he is," someone replied.

I went looking for him, a little worried. He wasn't upstairs, in my room, in any of the bathrooms, in any of the bedrooms, outside... Finally, in the last place I looked (the fancy living room we never use), he was there lying on the couch half asleep.

"Are you okay sweetie?"

"Ughmmm?"

He requested that I cuddle with him, so I lay down. Then, for a very good reason that I don't remember, I unzipped his pants and felt him up. He apparently liked it. I sat on top of him and licked him, teasing for a good five or ten minutes. He was horny, I was horny. My friends were in the other room.

"Let's go upstairs and have sex. Really fast! No one will know." He said.

"No! We have to wait for them to leave!"

"C'monnnn!"

After a couple more of these discussions, I said "Okay!!" and we ran upstairs. I blocked the door with my nightstand. "I'm really drunk, so you should be on top," he said. Great sign...

After about two minutes, I heard someone coming up the stairs. "Hello?" It was A. "One sec!" I ran off boyfriend's dick, shoved him in the bathroom with his clothes, and threw mine on. I pulled the nightstand from the door and opened it. "Hey, boyfriend's sick, I was just helping him."

"Oh, really? We all thought you were having more fun than that."

"Haha I wish!" Boyfriend rounded the corner from the bathroom. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," He said. Not playing up the vomiting too well, dear.

Friends all left about five minutes later. I think they know. whoopsies...

Sex is messy?

2006-07-10T15:38:00.000-04:00

Sex is messy. I knew that, but I didn't know how messy until this weekend.

Boyfriend and I were doing it on my bed. I was on top, doing my thang, when I had a nice big orgasm. When I was done, we stopped for a second and he said "Wow, that got all over." I realized that I had let it out all over him.

"Really? Um.. I'm sorry."

"No it's okay, that's supposed to happen."

"Really? But, like... how bad is it?"

"It's all over your bed"

I got off him and felt it dripping onto my leg. I ran in horror to the bathroom and jumped in the tub.

"Let's take a shower together!" He said, turning the water on. I gave him head in the shower. Then I put my sheets in the wash while boyfriend looked up ways to prevent the need to do laundry every time we have sex. Towels, of course.

Even though it was pretty embarrassing, I realized how glad I am that we're close enough to be able to talk about this kind of thing, and without blushing.

Hideous ring dream

2006-07-08T15:51:00.000-04:00

I had a strange dream about boyfriend.

At first, he was being an asshole - he kept abandoning me in the city and every time he came to pick me up, I tried to get in the car and he drove off before I could. After about four times, it wasn't funny anymore (not that it ever was for me, but I thought maybe it'd stop being funny for him).

Finally, he led me into this dirty, crowded store and led me over to a table. On it, there was a sad excuse for a wedding dress. I started laughing at it, and then boyfriend pulled out a ring. It was really ugly. It was bulky and made of blue and white ceramic, with a tiny blue stone in the middle. Not even a wedding ring.
Think the pot thing ... plus this ring, minus most of the jewel

He slipped it onto the ring finger on my right hand. I wasn't sure if I should pretend I liked it. Then boyfriend started showing me all these wedding dresses, which were all incredibly cheap and ugly. I thought back to the dresses I had looked at before, but refrained from saying anything.

At least he was trying?

Familial Expectations

2006-07-06T14:29:00.000-04:00

"I wouldn't mind it if you married him," Boyfriend's little sister B said over the buffet table on the Fourth. "I approve."

"Oh really?"

"If you do, can I be a bridesmaid?"

Lately she has been hinting. One day I said "B, I have news!" and when I told her what it was, she said "Ohhh I thought you were going to tell me you guys got engaged." Another time she made a comment about our future children. Granted, it was about how ugly they would be, but still.

I got a ride home alone with boyfriend's mom. We were chatting about things, and I mentioned that my parents might not be living in the area next summer. "You're always welcome to stay at our house," she offered. "We all love you."

I love boyfriend's family. They're comfortable, laid back, funny, and fun. Sometimes I wish they were my own family. It's always in the back of my mind that if boyfriend and I broke up, I wouldn't see them anymore. Telling me that I could stay with them next summer was quite a compliment.

The conversation got a little more suggestive when we started talking about our families. She brought up her first marriage, to boyfriend's dad. "We got married so young - it's such a bad idea to get married that young."

"Yeah, it does tend to lead to unstable marriages. It helps to have been together for a long time though," I replied, thinking of my cousin (married at 22 to her boyfriend of 6 years).

"Well, it's different for you two. When I was your age I didn't know myself, but you two are pretty solid. You seem to know what you want in life a lot more than I did."

It's almost like an invitation.

We talked/Good Sex

2006-07-05T11:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally talked to boyfriend. It started out with me saying I felt like he was less sexually interested in me than he used to be, and went to me crying and saying "I just constantly feel like you're about to break up with me." When he asked for clarification, we started arguing. Everything I said was apparently wrong. I misinterpret things he does that upset me, and it's all my fault (of course). I conceded that I may misinterpret a lot of things, but it can't all be my fault - maybe he's not always clear about his intentions, etc. but what it adds up to is a lot of inconsistency. He disagreed.

"You're just pulling this shit out of your ass."

I was stunned. "You will not talk to me like that."

"You're saying a lot of bullshit about me right now that isn't true, so I can talk to you however I want."

"No. I have been respectful to you, and I'm just telling you my side of what's going on. You have no right to speak to me like that."

He was obviously very frustrated. So was I, but mostly about the fact that he wasn't being receptive to anything I said. We were fighting about everything from how much he wanted me to hang out with him to what kind of relationship we wanted. Finally, I made one last stab.

"I do appreciate the things you do, and I'm only talking to you about this because I want us both to be happy 100% of the time. I don't want to misinterpret anything, and I want to find out how we can make sure that doesn't happen. But I can't do it by myself. I need you to give me something, otherwise this isn't going to work. And it can't be all me; we each take a part in our communication and it can't always be my fault; not every time. So I need to know if you're willing to work with this on me."

The question left hanging was: "Are you, or is this over?"

I watched him. Our eyes met every once in a while. He was thinking. I looked around, I cried. He continued thinking. For fifteen minutes, without saying a word, he continued thinking.

He started crying. I took that to be a bad sign. I got sick to my stomach, felt like throwing up. I started breathing funny. I calmed my breathing, but started shivering as the room got colder. He saw me shivering and said "Are you cold?" I nodded. He got up and brought a blanket, wrapped it around my shoulders. I started crying again, my head in my hands. My possibly ex-boyfriend just brought me a blanket. After a moment, he kneeled down and tried to hug me. I pushed him away. You can't hug me when you haven't told me whether you want to be with me. I started sobbing, turned around and kneeled on the floor like I was taking cover in an earthquake.

Boyfriend kneeled next to me, put his arm around me, and said gently: "There's nothing I don't want to work out with you. There's nothing that can keep me from wanting to be with you."

I let him hug me and started crying even harder. "What's wrong?" He asked when I hadn't stopped after a few minutes.

"That took you way too long to say," but I was thankful that he thought about it so seriously.

"I wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted." I nodded.

We lay down on the ground with my blanket. We hugged. We cuddled. We agreed that it would be best to talk about our relationship regularly, so that we can figure out what we need and not wait for arguments like this to arise. After a while, he said "I wanna go to your house now."

"Really?" He was telling me that he wanted to have sex.

We got in my car. "I'm so horny" he said. I looked down and saw that he was already hard. I laughed. Then I stroked him over his pants. He unzipped and pulled his penis out of his boxers. I started giving him a handjob while driving. We stopped at a red light and saw a cop, and boyfriend freaked out and lost his hard-on. I laughed at him. "The cop cock-blocked me!" he joked.

We got to my house and ran up to my room. We undressed each other, made out for a minute, and then slipped a condom on. I got on top of him and came within a few minutes. As soon as I was done, it happened again. And then again. And then again. I was basically freaking out, and finally I looked at him and said "Am I boring you?"

He smiled. "No... do you want to try another position?"

"Sure," I said, and then I inhaled sharply and started to come again.

"Take your time - whenever you're ready," he laughed.

We tried spooning, reverse cowgirl, missionary, and doggy style - all of which were amazing. It was the best sex I'd had so far. He came doing it doggy style (his favorite), and we lay down together on my bed, just relaxing. It still felt good. We kissed a little bit, put on our underwear, and cuddled. I drove him home at 4am.

The weekend without boyfriend

2006-07-03T11:14:00.000-04:00

This weekend held a few twists and turns. I had been freaking out about our relationship, wondering if I'm a priority in his life, blah blah. Which leads a girl to get a little jumpy. On Friday night, I called boyfriend.

The conversation was a little awkward since I hadn't told him yet that I wasn't going up for the weekend. I said "Well, you didn't really ask me and it seemed awkward to bring up." He referred to the message he left me where he did ask me, which hadn't been enough for me because he never followed up on it. Then I said "When you get back, I want to talk to you." There was an awkward silence. "Uh... okay..." Another silence. "Um, I didn't mean for that to sound weird, I'm sorry... I just want to talk to you. Ummmm...."

Boyfriend said he was going to a concert on Monday night (I'm invited), going with his buddies to shoot fireworks on Tuesday, and gone for a week starting on Wednesday (and I'm leaving for a week after that). That was a lot of time before we could talk. He said he would come back from his trip on Sunday rather than Monday so we could talk. I was impressed.

A little bit after the awkward phone call ("I'm not coming up this weekend and we need to talk when you get back, dun dun DUN"...), I realized I was acting a little crazy, so I texted him saying "I'm sorry, I'm just having a lot of trouble with things & not being able to see you much for the next 2 weeks makes it worse. I don't know how to deal with this." About an hour later he hadn't answered. Was the text too long to go through? Was he busy? Mad? I tried a second text: "No?" He didn't write back. I went to bed.

The next day, I realized that I probably would have had a great time if I had gone up. I actually started to miss Losers 1 & 2 (what?!). So, wanting to be honest and not stubborn about my decision not to go, I texted him again: "Wish I was there. Love you." No answer. His plan was to play video games all day, so he was probably very busy with important things. A few hours later, I texted again with "I love you!" For some reason I didn't think it was excessive. I think I was just in a good mood.

His reply was short: "Love you" Where was the I? Was he too busy to type an I? Did my text annoy him and he just wanted me to shut up? Should I stop asking questions? Yes.

That night his phone ran out of batteries and I had a friend over, so we didn't talk at all. But he sent me a text later that night: "I ruv you so much pretty frauwg." (too cute? sorry) The spontaneous text was enough for me.

Boyfriend came home Sunday and instead of talking like we planned, he took me out to dinner. It was a perfect night. We had an adorable table with a booth on only one side, so we got to cuddle the whole time. He constantly complimented me and told me how much he missed me.

In the car on the way back, he asked "How much do you love me?"

"I love you so much that every time I hear love songs I think of you. How much do you love me?"

"Me too! I love you so much that I don't realize how much I take you for granted until I don't see you for a while. Like, I love just sitting in the car with you. How much do you love me?"

We went on like this for a while. It was ridiculous and cute as hell. When we got to my house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back to my room, boyfriend was lying on my bed in his boxers. Unfortunately, I was not in the mood and wasn't 100% sure my period was gone. His disappointment was palpable. However, after an episode of Nip/Tuck, I was certain that it was gone, and he was disappointed no longer.

Ambiguous

2006-06-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

The morning after I made the decision not to go to Bellingham with boyfriend (but hadn't told him yet), I got a text from him that said "I love you. You look beautiful"

He was referring to my haircut that I was a little insecure about because it's so short.

Later in the day, he called me and left a message saying he missed me already and that I should call to let him know if I was coming for the weekend, because he really did want me to come.

Right before I went to bed, I checked my messages to see that he had called me. "I'm back home picking up a few things and I wanted to see if I could stop by on my way up to Bellingham."

I called him back and he came over. He only stayed for a few minutes, long enough for me to ask how his day was, but not long enough for him to ask me about mine. He said "Take work off and come up with me tonight." But he didn't ask if I had decided to go.

I can't tell what to feel - he made an effort to get ahold of me early in the day, he texted me, he wanted to stop by... but he could have stayed the night (and would have back in the day), could have asked me how my day was, could have stayed more than 3 minutes.

This morning I had a message on my phone from Loser 1, joking around and saying "If you're coming up, you should sleep on my bed." Boyfriend was in the background, saying "You just want to have sex with her." I think they were drunk. (Did he go up so he could drink with the boys? wtf)

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Is he lavishing attention on me and I just think he's ignoring me? Do I just have a habit of freaking out over things that aren't really happening? Or does this ambiguity merit some attention?

Change of mind

2006-06-29T19:39:00.000-04:00

Boyfriend is going up to Bellingham this weekend to move out of his apartment before the lease is up. Last month, he asked me if I wanted to come with. I said sure. Ever since then, when he says anything about the trip, he sounds as if he doesn't know I'm coming: "I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that", as if I'm not coming with. He planned an entire day of smoking pot and playing Earthbound (video game) with his guy friends, and planned to drive up a day before I could leave.

Finally, I asked him, "I'm coming too, right?"

"Yes"

"And you knew that, right?"

"Yes"

I told him that it sounded to me like a trip he had planned that he was kind of letting me tag along to. He pointed out that the trip was for the purpose of moving out, and therefore it was a trip for him, not us. I let it go.

Last night though, my girl friend who was coming with dropped out. It would be me driving two hours by myself to hang out with the guys. If I decided to go.

"Should I go?" I asked him.

Boyfriend very dismissively told me it was my decision and that he couldn't make it for me. I already knew that, but I wanted to know if he wanted me to go.

"Do you want me to?"

Boyfriend refused to answer. "It won't be a big deal if you don't come; I'll be going up on other weekends this summer and you can come with then."

There it was again; he'd be going and I could tag along. Fuck that. I'm not going to show him that he can act indifferent about spending time with me and still enjoy my company. We are definitely talking more when he gets back, like we promised we would.

No Sex

2006-06-28T14:14:00.000-04:00

I'm putting off The Good Sex (promised in my last entry) because I'm too irritated right now.

Yesterday, I took boyfriend to a restaurant that I've been telling him about for weeks. I had planned on paying, but he insisted. The conversation was a little slow because we've both had a few boring days lately, and on the way home we couldn't decide what to do. There was: go out to a movie, stay in and watch tv, or go to a friend's house and drink. I didn't feel like drinking 2 hours before my bedtime with people I wasn't too excited about, but I didn't tell boyfriend. He said he didn't feel like going, but might stop by on his way home. We ended up going to my house to watch tv.

When we got there, nobody was home. We went upstairs, and boyfriend immediately lay down on the bed and motioned me over. "I want kisses!" he said. I complied, although I thought he was acting more silly than sexy. We started giving each other some digital loving. "I'm so fucking horny," boyfriend said. I was surprised; he hadn't said anything that blatant in quite a while. I liked it.

"Yeah, why are you so horny?"

"I've been thinking about you all day."

As soon as he got me off, I was ready for sex. However, he wasn't saying anything. I waited, determined to let him initiate the sex for once. He did not. Finally, I gave in.

"What do you want to do...?"

"I want head."

"Oh."

I gave him a five star blowjob, and assured myself that we could have sex later.

Later: My stepdad came into the kitchen to tell us that he was headed to the airport to pick up my mom. Perfect! Empty house again! Boyfriend walked over to the couch and lay down. I kissed him and cuddled for a second and then I straddled him. The noises he made sounded promising.

"The couch is too small," I said. I wasn't lying. I was also hinting at heading to the bedroom. I stood up.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go to that party and then go home."

What?! "Oh? Okay..."

He walked to the door and we kissed for a little bit. I hoped he would change his mind.

"I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Oh, will you?" What if I have plans, douche bag?

"Of course!" No need to ask! Of course not! "Love you!" he said, closing the door.

"Love you too!" The door closed. "Oh my god, I hate him!"

What have I learned?
- I will no longer ask "What do you want to do?" - I want to hear him tell me what he wants, no prompting. And a "What do you want to do?" from him might be nice.
- I will not give him head when I don't want to. He hasn't proven that he'll have sex with me after he's already gotten some, even when he promises. Until he proves that he can, he'll suck his own cock.
- I'm sick and tired of initiating. I do it every time. When he "initiates," it's by hinting at things rather than telling me what he wants or just doing it. Take me, bastard!

Normally, I would contemplate holding out on him. Luckily, this will be easy to do since I got my period this morning.

Maybe he'll learn that sex is more of a luxury than he thought.

Sex: Bad

2006-06-27T13:28:00.000-04:00

Over the past few months, things have definitely changed between us sexually. We used to make out endlessly, getting more and more horny until we simply had to do something about it. Now we basically kiss until he's hard and then either have sex or do hand/blowjobs. As evidenced below, this can either go very well or rather poorly.

The Bad Sex

The other day, me and boyfriend were kissing a little on my bed. I said my usual "What do you want to do?", which means "I want to have sex, and you better want it too." He agreed, and I put the condom on while he put his fingers inside me. Then I got on top, which is my favorite at the moment, because I like to have control over how it feels. After a few minutes, boyfriend made a noise I didn't understand.

"Huh?"

"What?"

"You made a noise, was something wrong?"

"No... nothing."

When I am on top, boyfriend has a tendency to hold my hips and move me, usually a lot faster and at a different angle than I'd like. It negates the entire point of being on top, and makes me feel like he thinks I'm doing it wrong.

Another minute goes by, he makes another cryptic sound. After dating him for over two and a half years, I can usually tell what all the noises mean. This one sounded like he thought there was something wrong, which pissed me off because I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

"What?"

"Nothing! Gosh, stop asking questions."

This is the most insulting. If you're not having fun, tell me; don't leave me thinking that I'm incompetent. After a few more minutes and a few more noises, he requested that we put more lube on. We needed it, because I wasn't horny enough anymore and so my love tunnel was trying to close down.

I knew I was right about the noises when he asked if he could be on top. "Fine," I said. Luckily, he finished well, but I had to ask him to stop leaning on my leg. He always does it and it hurts - how many times do I have to ask you?

Finally, as he was finishing, he said "We should do this again tonight..."

The problem I have with this isn't that he wanted to have sex again. It's that he always says this, and we never do it. All the time, we'll be fooling around and I'll want to have sex and he says "No, give me a handjob and we'll have sex later tonight" so I give him a handjob and then we'll fall asleep sexless.

"Seriously though," he said, right before he came. Oh, he meant it this time?

"Sure," I said as my head knocked the pillow against the wall. Later that evening, I gave him a handjob.

Next entry: The Good Sex

A good dream, a bad dream

2006-06-26T18:01:00.000-04:00

Saturday
Boyfriend calls me in the morning to say hello. He's painting a house and has to work on the weekend.

"I had a funny dream last night," he says.

"Oh yeah? What happened?"

"It was weird, I proposed to you." He said it was like in some movie (I forget which) where they have a spray that attracts fireflies, and he sprayed it in the words "Marry me"

"The funny thing is, I forgot the ring. As soon as the bugs were in position, I thought to myself 'What am I missing?' and then I realized I hadn't gotten a ring."

For some reason, I wasn't too surprised. He seems like the ring-forgetting type. "Well, what did I say?"

"Oh, I don't think you answered. But you jumped up and down and hugged me, so I think it was yes."

Today
I called boyfriend on my lunch break: "I know it's not your fault... but I had a bad dream."

"Oh? What happened?"

"I dreamt that you kept abandoning me to hang out with your friends, and I was really upset because you were lying to me and being mean about it... and when I woke up I still thought it was true, and it was horrible; I kept thinking 'What am I going to do? How can I talk to him about this?'"

"Oh, that's too bad... speaking of ditching you for my friends, I'm going go-carting with P and N tonight..."

I may be psychic.

No complaint goes unrewarded

2006-06-25T23:55:00.000-04:00

A while ago, I mentioned to boyfriend that I would love it if he surprised me with things like bringing over Jamba Juice on his way to my house, etc. I may have been complaining that it doesn't ever happen. He told me that he thinks about it all the time but doesn't do it, and tried the "it's the thought that counts, right?" approach. I told him that while the thought was sweet, it wasn't as effective as actually bringing the Jamba.

A few days after this conversation, boyfriend called on his way to my house: "Do you want some Jamba Juice?"

"I guess, sure!"

"What kind do you want?"

I gave him my order and he brought it over.

Tonight, on his way over he called: "Do you feel like having some ice cream?"

"Sure!"

"What kind do you want?"

Now... I had been hoping that he would be surprising me with these treats, but I guess he didn't realize that. Or perhaps this is his style? I appreciate it though, and I'll take the presents :)

Perhaps I should take a time management class

2006-06-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not getting anything done that involves being alone (i.e. book reading, movie watching). Mostly, this is important because I am paying for Netflix and have had two movies out for about a week. I'm definitely downgrading to 1-at-a-time.

Another problem is the classic boyfriend vs girlfriends one. Poor boyfriend is down here with no one but me and his family to hang out with. And none of my girlfriends have boyfriends. So every night goes pretty much like this:

Boyfriend calls: "What are we doing tonight?"

Me: "I dunno, what do you want to do- oh, hold on I have another call. (switch lines) Hello?"

L: "Hey, what are we doing tonight?"

And I always feel bad that I'm so busy when I know that if they're not hanging out with me, they'll either be sitting at home or spending time with much less interesting people.

The concert yesterday was grand, although I didn't know almost any of the Counting Crows songs. How dare they not play Colorblind or the Shrek song?!

Cute boyfriend

2006-06-22T11:14:00.000-04:00

I think not seeing boyfriend for a few days turned him into a cute-lover because when he came over the other day, he kept pulling me over to give me hugs, and when we were in the kitchen chatting with my mom, he unexpectedly started giving me a massage - and he didn't even ask for one in return. I'm not even that generous. He also did all those little things, like touching noses and calling me pet names. We went to the grocery store to get chips and salsa, and the obligatory donuts, and sat down to watch Nip/Tuck, our new show. Then we had some pretty nice sex. Before he left, he made sure to tuck me into bed. I'm impressed; the cute behavior has lasted a whole two days. Let's see how long it will go.

Side note - When we used to watch Friends, one of us would kiss the other's hand and then clap it at the point in the song where there is clapping. Easy thing to come up with. But Nip/Tuck doesn't have anything like that in the intro, so we have no idea what little thing to do. Anyone?

Finally, I don't think I talk much about all the great things he does because of the following:
1) the blog's title sort of indicates that I should be ranting instead of raving (It was designed by me as a way to get any frustrations out without going to him with things I would get over in two days anyway)
2) it's so much easier to have a witty comment about an argument or a flaw than about great sex or butterfly kisses

Tonight I'm taking boyfriend and my two best girls to the Counting Crows/Goo Goo Dolls concert.

Can't stand in the way of good beer

2006-06-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

For the past three weeks, I've been working at two internships during the film festival. On the last night of the festival, I had to go to the closing night gala, and didn't get home until 2:30am. Unfortunately, I had a new job temping for a receptionist the next morning, so I had to wake up at 5:30.

Even though I was pretty tired after work, I was excited to be getting off at 5pm instead of 10pm or later, especially since I hadn't spent any quality time with boyfriend in about a week. I called him and said:

"Hey, come over to my house!"

"No, you come over here. I'm tired, I don't feel like leaving the house."

"Well I haven't seen my family in a few weeks."

"I'm not going to go there, you have to come here."

"Fine."

So I told my mother I planned to go over to boyfriend's place after dinner, to which she replied "I don't think so." What? "You're not going over there. You've only had three hours of sleep. No."

I called boyfriend back to let him know about the unreasonable mother situation. He said:

"I can't leave now. I had a beer and my mom won't let me drive."

"What? No! Awww... dammit."

"Oh well."

"I hope you have fun with your beer."

"I will. It's pretty damn good."

"Don't be an asshole."

"What?"

"It just doesn't sound like you care if you see me or not."

"Ugh, I hate it when you do this"

"Do what?"

(In a whiny voice, mocking me of course) "Blah blah blah 'you don't care' and all that bullshit"

"Well, it just doesn't sound like you do."

We got off the phone shortly thereafter. I didn't see him that night, but apparently neither the bitchy conversation nor my recent "cute" behavior has bothered him, because he called me later when I was sleeping just to say goodnight. Maybe he's trying his own cute behavior out? We can always hope.

The cute factor

2006-06-19T19:28:00.000-04:00

I just finished working for three weeks in an office filled with ladies who are violently in love with their boyfriends/husbands. These girls called their men during the day for such reasons as "How are the dogs doing? Aww, how cute" and "I just got an email from this guest who is horrible. Do you know what they said?" Somehow, their actions didn't seem creepy or needy.

Being in this environment for three whole weeks made me a little unsure: do I want that kind of thing with boyfriend? I thought it was adorable, and the men weren't at all irritated by the useless phone calls. So today I called boyfriend at 6:40am, waking him up, to tell him that I was passing his house on my way to work. Due to the sleepy voice, I couldn't tell if the cutesy phone call struck him as delightful or bothersome.

Either way, I'm sure to find out soon!

Maybe he'll be horny by Monday

2006-06-17T03:45:00.000-04:00

My tentative plan was to put on my cute new skirt and say no if boyfriend tried anything with me other than sex.

The plan was never tested, as Loser 2 has to stay at boyfriend's place this weekend and we get no alone time. I think I annoyed boyfriend with my whining, but he agrees that he wishes we could be alone. Patience is not one of my better virtues, but I'll have to deal.

On the positive side, I made even better friends with boyfriend's mom tonight. She loves me. Who can blame her? I'm pretty much perfect.

Super protected sex

2006-06-15T01:04:00.000-04:00

Sitting in the local burrito joint where I had met boyfriend for lunch yesterday, I made a joke about having sex in the car when we were done eating. The conversation soon took a more serious turn when boyfriend said

"I don't feel comfortable having sex with you if we're just using condoms."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't want to cum inside you anymore. I think I should pull out."

"What? Why?!"

"Condoms aren't 100% effective. If you were on birth control, it would be okay. But I don't want to take any chances."

Instead of taking him seriously, I said (jokingly) that he had to come inside me or he wouldn't get any sex. He didn't find it funny.

Tonight when I called him, boyfriend said he wants to stay home reading and relaxing. Coincidence? hah....

Secret Single Behavior

2006-06-13T01:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, boyfriend expressed his desire to move in with me. This is a completely theoretical desire: there is no way we possibly could move in together since we're both living with our parents over the summer (no rent) and live on opposite sides of the United States the majority of the year (college).

However, I was interested in whether living together would change our lives significantly, or whether we would need to change our behavior. In an episode of Sex and the City, the girls reveal what they call their "Secret Single Behavior" (SSB); things that you do alone that you could never do in front of a significant other. Curious, I asked boyfriend if he had any SSB. He couldn't think of anything (though he didn't think long).

I came up with doing situps and "stuff" (the "stuff" is butt exercises... embarrassing? I'm honestly not sure). I then thought of another thing that I do that I didn't tell him. When I'm in the bathroom naked or topless (after a shower, changing, or drying my hair), I often push my boobs up to see what they would look like in a corset, or push them together to see what I would look like if I had any cleavage.

SSB for anyone else?

Finally

2006-06-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

I finally told boyfriend that I was still upset about our whole conversation last week, in which he said that he was unsure whether he wanted to be in a relationship (and therefore our relationship). He seemed sort of surprised, but assured me that he wants to be with me. For sure. Basically, now he wants exactly what I want, so I can stop over-analyzing everything that happens everyday. Sweet.

Idiot Boyfriend: A Play

2006-06-10T16:13:00.000-04:00

Scene 1

3:30am, ringing phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me [boyfriend], I'm on my way home. I'm just going to sleep."

"Come over here and go to sleep with me."

"Maybe..."

"Please?"

"No, I'm just going to go home."

Scene 2

11am, ringing phone

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me [boyfriend], I'm going to go return equipment [he's in a band] and then do you want to go out to breakfast?"

"Sure, call me when you're on your way over."

Scene 3

1pm, ringing phone

"Hello?"

"Hey it's me [boyfriend], sorry it's been so long, I got distracted."

"What do you mean?"

"I lost track of time, my brother and I went to a garage sale."

Scene 4

1:02pm. Me pissed off. I don't even want to hang out with him anymore.