Sometimes an "I miss you" is just an "I miss you"

Contemplating what to do about my last post, on Saturday I went to a Halloween party. I knew if I had to, I could relax until winter break, but it still irritated me that until that point I couldn't talk about how I felt. I didn't need a talking schedule; I just wanted to know what was going to happen.

I ended up getting a little tipsy at the party, where I dressed as a Catholic school girl. According to some members of the party who had attended such schools, my outfit was more accurate than it was costume-like. As my friend and I were getting ready to leave, I hopped outside to return a missed call from boyfriend, who had also texted me saying: "Love you... I've been busy all day. Wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm heading back to Bellingham in a bit. I'll call you on the way."

When boyfriend picked up the phone, I told him I was leaving a party but could call him when I got back to campus in an hour or so. He said he would probably be home smoking with his buddies by then. His free time the following day was exactly opposite from mine. "Oh well, we'll figure something out" we agreed. Still, it was frustrating how hard it was getting to just get ahold of each other.

When I got on the train, I texted him to convey this: "On the train, won't be able to talk for 30 min but I want to talk soon, I hate not being able to talk & I'm sad about it, it's really bugging me."

His response: "[MBIC] we are busy tomorrow. I don't think I work Monday. You can email me and I will email you too."

Me: "I know that I'm just telling you I'm sad we can't talk & I miss you. Wasn't meant to sound whiny. I miss you & I'm having a hard time & also want to hear your news" (In our last argument, he had randomly slipped in that he was changing his major)

Him: "Ok. I'll talk to you later then."

What was that? Here I was telling him I missed him and wished we had time to talk, and instead of saying a simple "I miss you too" like I had hoped, he was trying to get me to shut up? Or was I reading too much into this? I responded with: "Ok. I'll try calling anyway. I can't tell if you're irritated or mad & it's bothering me"

Him: "Of course I'm irritated. Nothing makes you happy. It's exhausting."

Whoa... I wasn't trying to tell him that he was doing anything wrong. I just wanted to talk to him soon! It didn't seem unreasonable. "I don't think it's crazy that I want to talk to you. I would be happy if that didn't bother you, if it does I'm at a loss."

Him: "[MBIC] I do want to talk. And we will. Just please chill out. Not talking for a day or so isn't the end of the world."

Not the end of the world, you say? Well what a relief! This whole time I thought that if we didn't talk every day, the moon would get locked in place in front of the sun and eclipse the world forever, ruining the ecosystem we have come to depend on as a source of life itself!

... Yeah, no. I'm not actually retarded.

When I got to my room, I tried calling him, but he didn't pick up. "Fine," I said to myself, and got ready for bed. I would deal with it later. Maybe someday he wouldn't misinterpret everything I said.

In the midst of my routine, boyfriend called me back. The conversation began with no clear direction, so I gave a long speech in the hopes of quickly clarifying what I thought was going on. I explained that I knew the world wouldn't end if we didn't talk, and all I had meant to do was tell him that I missed him. Our previous discussion about "what to do" had simply been an effort to avoid this kind of miscommunication, because we would both know what to expect. I just wanted to be able to tell him how I was feeling.

Unfortunately, boyfriend did not see eye to eye with me. He mainly said that our agreement had been to not have these kind of conversations, that he wasn't willing to deal with them, and that they took him away from his life. He said it was obvious that I couldn't just "chill out" until winter, and that he wasn't able to be in a relationship with me if this was the case. He dismissed the importance of my being allowed to discuss my feelings, and said that I should have known to email him anything of that sort, so we could avoid a conversation like the one we were having.

I asked him how I could have known that saying "I miss talking to you" would lead to this conversation, and refused to be told that my feelings should be disregarded and not discussed until winter.

Finally, boyfriend said: "I'm done talking about this... you can email me and I'll email you, or I'll call you on Monday or Tuesday."

I was furious that he thought he could treat me this way and then assume that I would want to even speak to him. "I'm not going to email you, and I'm not going to call you. I don't know what to do about this, but I am offended at the way you've talked to me and disregarded my needs."

Firm in his desire to get off the phone, and after several threats to leave the conversation, boyfriend finally asked to go, with the preamble of "I don't want to hang up on you, but..."

I didn't have a response, so I finally just said "Mmkay." We hung up and I dragged myself into bed.

The next two months..

When I returned to New York, I felt a little optimistic, but I missed boyfriend a lot and was afraid that I wouldn't be comforted by the amount of contact that was promised. In a Nyquil daze, I decided to give boyfriend a detailed rundown of my day, as well as *shock!* express my feelings. If I didn't do it, I felt we would lose touch with each other's lives. I wrote a long paragraph about my day, followed with:

"I'm really glad I got to see you, and it did a lot to make me feel better about what I said (that I'm not 100% ready to just relax). I think that what will help the most is just time and some regularity; just seeing that you respond to phone calls, that you call me and we connect and we show that we care about each other. After that happens for a while, I'll be much less on edge. I guess we can talk about what "regularity" is to us and what we each would want to do to that end. I guess I just want to talk at some point about what we're going to do until the winter, because I don't feel like that's very clear and it would be great to just know what to expect, or know what each of us wants. I don't mean to bring this all up to try to make us have more serious talks or anything; I just want to let you know what I'm thinking about and we can talk about it whenever we have the time.

I love you so much, I wish it was easier to miss you :( Talk to you soon baby!"

I was afraid that he would either not reply or that his reply would ignore what I said, but his response seemed encouraging: he also gave me a detailed summary of his day, followed by:

"yea we can probably talk about stuff soon. i would like to talk about the next couple of months too. i understand what you meant about me emailing you back and everything and it makes sense that you would get upset because I know that when you email me you put a lot of thought into the email and not getting a response must feel kind of shitty. but i want you to know how much i care about you and how much i treasure any email or phone call or whatever from you. i just love hearing from you, hearing how your life is (even if it's not going so well, like your leg and being sick :-( ) because then i feel closer to you. i just wish we were with each other so i could help take care of you when you are sick or hurt...it's hard being away from you when you are in a lot of pain...i care about you so much and i know you will be able to trust how much i love you and care about you. i understand it takes time but i know that you will be able to trust that again soon.

anyway, we can definitely talk more later. i'm not working as much now and my schedule is a little less stressful. i've had some things on my mind lately (school wise, and just about my life) that i'd love to talk to you about. just some things i've been thinking about lately. things that make me feel a little less stressed. not that i'm tearing my hair out or anything right now but life is definitely pretty stressful right now (not as much as before, but still kind of hectic)."

This was a good response, I thought. So when we were on the phone next, I brought it up:

"So, can we figure out a time when we want to talk about the next couple of months?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I just want us to figure out how things will work until we see each other, because we didn't really figure out anything. I want to know what to expect for the next two months."

"This is exactly what I said I can't do; I can't talk about this kind of thing. You said you could wait to work on things until the break, but obviously you can't."

"What?! You said in your email that you wanted to talk about the next two months too." I pulled out the email so I could re-read it.

"Yeah, in terms of me and what's going on in my life, not anything about us."

"What? You said: 'yea we can probably talk about stuff soon. i would like to talk about the next couple of months too.' and then right afterwards you said 'i understand what you meant about me emailing you back and everything.' How could you put those sentences next to each other and not mean that you wanted to talk about us?"

"Well, I'm telling you now that that's what I meant."

"Okay, well I'm not trying to make you have a huge discussion, or to 'fix' anything. I'm just saying it makes sense to talk about the next two months so we can figure out what works for both of us."

"I'm fine with how things are going right now; we call each other almost every day, if we don't we almost always email each other. We're keeping contact. That's what I want, I don't understand the problem."

"I guess I need it to be more specific than that. I mean, I can't go from a 3 week breakup to a really vague idea of how our relationship will be for another two months. I just want to know what's going on. After all this stuff happened, I don't really feel comfortable calling you because I always feel like I'm interrupting you, or that you don't have time to talk. I feel like you have all the power here; you're always busy and when you decide to call me is when we talk."

"You are never interrupting: If I'm busy or can't talk, I don't answer the phone or I tell you I'll call you back. I don't see what the problem is."

I was stuck. He didn't want to talk about the next two months. Could I just deal with these problems and hang on, or not? I had thought I could before, and I still thought I could, but I thought we were at least able to talk about our feelings if something came up. Apparently not? Boyfriend declared that this wouldn't work if I couldn't let things be for the next two months. I didn't know exactly what to do; I didn't think I was asking him to "work on" anything, but I had agreed before that we wouldn't have to. I had meant for us to have maybe a ten or twenty minute conversation. And then, what would happen after winter break? Was he expecting it to go back to this; where we couldn't talk about our problems again? I couldn't deal with that. And if I couldn't talk to him about how I feel about us, then how could we be honest with each other and communicate?

I gave up and got off the phone with him, leaving it unclear as to whether we were going to drop the issue or not. I didn't know if I could let go of it.

When I was going to bed, drunk, I called and left a message. I didn't want to mope around and put my energy into "showing him" something by making him call first. In my message, I just said: "Hey, it's me I'm going to bed. I just wanted to call because I don't want to be the girlfriend who gets into a fight with her boyfriend and then doesn't call him because she's trying to prove something. So, yeah I'll talk to you later."

He texted me to tell me that he was playing poker. "I'll call you later if you want."

I was angry. If I want? Was I supposed to write back and say "Oh please do, I am so lost without your phone calls"? No. I wrote "Call me if you want, not if I want. I always want you to call me." As if he didn't know that.

He did call me later, but I have no idea what we talked about other than how the poker game went.

Having a day to think about it, I don't think I was asking too much. What is wrong with agreeing on how you are going to communicate for two months? And why should I feel like I can't tell him how I feel? That's not a relationship. I might be able to deal with it for a couple of months, but only because I think it's going to change. Not being able to talk about issues as they surface isn't smart. And what the hell! Why couldn't he have just TOLD me all the crap he wanted to talk to me about? When was he going to tell me about it? Don't allude to things and then wait a week to tell me what's going on.

I'm considering saying all this in an email to boyfriend. I'm also considering how to deal with the next couple of months, given that he is unwilling to change anything on my behalf.

The day and a half with boyfriend: pt II

The first part of my visit is covered in the previous post.

Now that we had satisfied our sexual desires, we had a few hours to ourselves before lunch with my cousin. While boyfriend took a shower, I glanced around his room. If he was cheating on me, it was definitely not in this room: he had photos of me on his desk and night stand, and a box that I made for him out. Easy enough to stage, but boyfriend isn't even organized enough to plan a date, so I highly doubted that any of it was contrived.

I took a quick shower, got dressed, and we went upstairs. "What do you want to do?" he asked.

My mind was blank. I had assumed we would be able to easily fill the day without much thought, but it was before noon and we really had no plans other than lunch at 2 and dinner at some point. "I don't know... do you have any games or anything?"

"No, not really..." Loser 2 came up and they started talking about computers, so I went to my car to grab a book. The car was much warmer than their freezing house, so I sat in the car reading. After a few minutes, boyfriend came out to the car. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just warm in the car."

"We can turn on the fireplace if you want to come inside," he offered.

I declined; I didn't want to waste his gas bill. Boyfriend and Loser 2 went to Best Buy to get a new computer. By the time they got back, my cousin was on his way to meet us at the house. We left shortly after his arrival and went to a locally owned brewery, which had excellent food. My cousin insisted on paying, even though boyfriend tried to pay for our part. It was obvious that my cousin wouldn't accept any of the money, so I suggested that we treat him to dessert. We went and got ice creams, and chatted for a while.

When we got home, it was about 4:30 and we were stuffed. Boyfriend was sleepy from all the food and waking up early, so he took a nap on the couch while I watched TV. At about 6:30, I woke him up. We had planned to go to Canada for dinner, and if we were still going to go it would have to be soon. I didn't really care if we went or not, especially since he hadn't even picked out a restaurant. But it would have been a fun adventure all the same, and finally give us something to do.

Boyfriend said he wasn't really interested in going; it was getting late and neither of us were hungry yet. He then complained that he didn't feel very good. It sounded to me like he was being more lazy than anything else. I turned on the lights, got him a glass of water and some ibuprofen. I asked him where he wanted to go, but as I had guessed, he didn't really know of many nice restaurants in the area (how many college guys go out to fancy restaurants with their buddies before a night of beer pong?). So I started looking at reviews for nearby restaurants. Reviews don't give you a really superb idea of whether you'll like a place, so we were still up in the air after we had searched for a few minutes.

"We could just go to [Steakhouse Chain Restaurant]"

"Yeah, we could." I kind of wanted to try something new with him, but my heart wasn't set on anything else so I said "It's your choice, I'm in the mood for anything really."

Boyfriend selected an Italian restaurant I'd heard of but never been to, and called to see if we needed a reservation. We got dressed to go: I put on a new black skirt that called attention to my rear as well as a low cut top I knew he liked. He wore a nice shirt and a pair of khaki slacks.

The restaurant was gorgeous, and almost right after we arrived, everyone else left and we had the dining room to ourselves. Since we're both under 21, we ordered sodas. As the waitress left, boyfriend said: "One of the reasons I wanted to take you to Canada was because I wanted to try some wine with you." Wine tasting? My beer-loving boyfriend wanted to make a foray into the "cultured" world of wine? I was pleased. Before our food arrived, boyfriend said rather seriously "I have a confession to make."

Oh no. What could it be? After all we've gone through, it won't be anything about breaking up. He sounded almost like he was about to propose or something. That would be awful, and not like him at all.

Seeing my confused and dismayed look, he quickly said "Oh, no it's not that bad. It's just that I haven't finished your gift yet." I wasn't too surprised, and I wasn't upset either. If he wanted to take more time to make it more awesome, I wouldn't punish him for it.

"That's okay, how much longer do you think it will take?" More importantly, how much time had he already spent on it?

He revealed that it was taking a long time to complete and that he had run into a few problems while making it that made it even more time consuming. He debated telling me what it was, but decided against it. I was a little apprehensive: what if my gift, which had only taken me a few hours to create and complete, was wildly inferior to the one he was working on? I hoped he wouldn't think so.

Our food was great, and boyfriend was being charming and silly. He kept insisting on kissing me from across the table and holding my hands. I made sure our waitress took our picture, keeping in mind my new vow to take more pictures.

When we got back to boyfriend's place, I retrieved and hid his present (it was unwrapped), then brought him downstairs and instructed him to sit down and close his eyes. I then placed the album in his hands and told him to open his eyes. He was immediately excited. "Oh my gosh, this is great! Did you do this?" (The wood was carved with our names.)

"Haha no... I ordered it, but if I knew how I would have!" He opened the album and looked through it, seeing all the cards with writing on them instead of pictures. I told him to read the first card, and that each card had on it a memory from our relationship. He lay down in bed, pulling me beside him, and read all of them right then, stopping occasionally to chuckle or to kiss me.

We lay in bed and eventually began kissing again. Boyfriend asked if I was still on birth control. I told him that I was, but that my injured leg would get even worse if we were to have sex. He nodded, then we both undressed to our underwear and began tickling and kissing each other all over. Boyfriend positioned himself over me and kissed my chest and stomach, all the way down to my panties, which he took off and then gave me oral sex. For it being his second time, he was pretty good. He couldn't, however, finish me off like that so he resorted to using his hand. It was an incredible orgasm, after which I gave him an amazing blowjob. Overall, a pretty great time.

We changed into pjs and went upstairs to join Loser 2 in watching There's Something About Mary while boyfriend fiddled with his new computer. Halfway through the movie, boyfriend and I went downstairs because it was getting late and we wanted to exchange back massages before going to bed. We exchanged that and a little more, and then fell asleep together.

In the morning, I didn't want to leave. Boyfriend and I were both starting to feel sick; I had a terrible sore throat. I finally got up and started to pack, boyfriend lying in bed. It was then that I realized that I hadn't talked to him about his behavior: the inconsistencies with telling me he would do something and then not following through. I took a deep breath.

"So I really wanted to say something before I left. I get really upset when you tell me you're going to send me an email or call me and then you don't do it. I mean, I know you're human and it's okay if you fall asleep or don't feel well or something happens. But that can't happen more than every once in a while. It has to be an occasional occurrence, not something that happens all the time."

I looked at him, expecting anger. He was still lying down, his eyes were closed. I continued: "In the past week, you promised three times to send me emails and then didn't send them. One time you wrote me the next morning, which helped a lot but overall it's just not okay. And I really do love it when you tell me you're going to do those things, but I've thought about it and as much as I love it, I'd prefer that you stop making promises entirely unless you're sure you can follow through. It's part of the reason I don't feel comfortable yet; I need reassurance from you and one of the ways you can give me that is by following through on what you say. So..."

He was still lying down, his expression unchanged. Was he even listening?

"Does that make sense?"

"Yeah." He didn't seem interested in discussing any of it.

"Okay... do you have anything you'd like to say, or is there anything you need from me?" I didn't want to throw a demand on him and then drive away without giving him a chance to speak.

"I just don't feel very well, we can talk more later." He sat up. "What you said makes sense, and it's reasonable." I felt a little better. I was tempted to apologize for bringing it up, but resisted because I really wasn't sorry: it was important to me.

Boyfriend helped me pack my things into the car and we hugged and kissed goodbye several times. Overall a good visit, but I wasn't quite sure what to make of the speech I had made: would it have an effect?

The day and a half with boyfriend: pt I

I drove north an hour and a half and got lost following boyfriend's directions to his new house. I called him and sorted it out, but was irritated: he can't give me the right directions to his house?

When I pulled up, I realized I needed to hide boyfriend's present, because he was sure to come out and help me bring things into the house. Just as I finished this thought, the front door opened and he started running toward the car. Luckily, the doors were locked so he couldn't get in. I instructed him to turn around and not look, and then I slid the album under the car seat. Then I opened the door, very nervous, and we hugged. We stood hugging in the cold for at least two full minutes. I wasn't sure if I was loving the hug, or if I wasn't ready to look at him. Maybe both. Finally we broke the hug.

"Nice skirt," boyfriend said while we gathered things to bring inside. I was wearing a new shirt, short gray and pleated, with leggings and a sweater.

"You look cute," I told him. I had forgotten how adorable he is.

We went inside and I sat on the couch a ways away from him, next to the fireplace. His house was cold, and the space was nice. I wasn't ready for him to pounce on me. A met us for dinner, which boyfriend cooked. I caught up with A, and when she left boyfriend and I cuddled on the couch. Then he leaned in to kiss me, but I didn't lean in. I hadn't told him all the things I had been thinking about lately. That I didn't trust him yet.

I let him kiss me, close-mouthed, but after a minute I couldn't go on kissing him with all that on my mind. I stopped him with "Wait... I need to say something that's on my mind."

After a few stumbling starts, I finally got it out: "I don't know if I'm ready for all this - I want to be; I want to mean it when I tell you all these beautiful things and say I'm happy with you, but I don't think I really mean it yet. I think I'm afraid to let go and trust you because I'm still thinking about losing you. Okay?"

He looked somewhat irritated. "I've thought about it a lot, MBIC, and I am absolutely positive that I want to be with you. All I've asked of you is that you trust me."

"I know, and I do trust you on some level, but I can't completely trust everything yet. It's only been a couple weeks; it's going to take time for everything to be perfectly okay again. I'm not asking you to prove anything to me, it's just going to take some time. And I just wanted to tell you about this because it's how I feel right now and it's why I've been kind of awkward all night. I just needed to get it out."

Feeling much better, we returned to cuddling and then kissing. He put his hand under my skirt, and I told him we should go to his room, in case one of the roommates came home. Just as we got on his bed, we heard the front door open and Loser 2 came in the house. "We should probably go say hi," I said. It would be pretty awkward (for me at least) if we didn't.

We went upstairs and hung out for a while, smoked hookah and watched tv. When we went downstairs, it was to go to bed (boyfriend had a class in the morning). We changed into our pajamas, only to take them off a few minutes later when we fooled around. I gave him a handjob and he got me off with his talented fingers. I hadn't masturbated in over a month... it was pretty good.

We both woke up at 5am for some reason, and started kissing again. I didn't expect anything else, but boyfriend started to touch me again, so I reciprocated.

When he got up to go to class at 8am, I stayed in bed. I got a call from him later:

"Guess who I'm talking to right now"

"Who?"

"Your cousin [we'll call him Nerd]"

"What?"

"I've known him for over a year! We have all the same classes together, and only today did we figure out that we both know you."

Funny! So we made plans to have a late lunch with my nerdy cousin (who is great, but it's true that he's nerdy).

When boyfriend came back from class at 10:30, we hung out in his room a little and fooled around again. I was kind of surprised: three times in less than 12 hours? From the guy who used to promise we'd do something and then be tired? Sweet!


As this post is getting long, I will save the rest of it for tomorrow. Things to look forward to:
- Lunch with my cousin
- Boredom
- Canada? No Canada
- Dinner
- Gifts?
- Another serious/tedious moment

Back from the trip

Mmmmkay... so, there is a bunch to say about the day and a half with boyfriend. Overall, a great experience. I'll write a nice long post tomorrow, but suffice it to say that for now I am feeling much better about the whole thing. It was some quality time spent connecting and having a good time, no fighting and very few frowny faces.

But the rundown will be here soon enough. Oh - he liked my present :)

Paranoid?

It's easy to get paranoid after your boyfriend asks for an open relationship. I've never been one to jump to wild conclusions with boyfriend and I've never suspected him cheating on me, but yesterday I guess I started.

During my flight from east to west yesterday, I felt more gloomy than excited. Everything was affecting me so much: he had promised me three emails that week that didn't get sent. On Wednesday night, I emailed him because he asked, even though I had to get out of bed to do it, and he didn't respond to my email. Thursday night, he promised to email me and then didn't write me until Friday, explaining that he had fallen asleep on his books. Even though he wasn't just forgetting, it didn't make it any easier when my Inbox was empty after he promised to write. On the plane, as I thought of holding him and kissing him, I didn't get happy. I felt a little blank, and this worried me.

At my connection I gave him a call to see if we could chat, but he didn't pick up. What was he doing at 1am on a Friday night that would keep him from answering his phone? I tried again a few minutes later, again with no answer. I didn't leave a message but I sent him a text: "I'm getting on my 2nd plane. Where are you? I missed you today"

He didn't answer before I had to turn off my cell phone. All I could think was that he was with someone else, even though I couldn't picture it. Why else would he ignore my calls? I was pissed off. Here I was, traveling across the country to come see him, making him a custom-made photo album filled with memories of our relationship, and driving 200 miles to visit him for a day and a half, and he didn't answer his phone?

I wasn't even mad anymore. I was just resigned.

The next morning I got a text from him that said he had left his phone at work last night.

The body as a gift

Another thing that might cramp my ability to just relax and be spontaneous. I'm going to visit him probably Saturday evening and Sunday. He works on Saturday until 5:30pm and found out that he has to work all day (11 to 7) on Sunday. So we won't have a ton of time together.

Strangely, he seems more sad about this than I am. I think in the past I might have gotten angry or whiny but this time I just said "Oh well, we'll work it out" while he texted me to try to get me to stay longer.

And, regarding Ambiguous Blob's idea to give him my body as a gift, I was considering buying this corset thing for him, but then decided that I shouldn't act as though my body is a gift when he's had access to it for quite some time now. And what does that say about my body, that it's a tool for making men happy? It might be true, but my charming personality will have to be gift enough.

The anniversary gift

Since we finally agreed with each other and resumed our relationship with (at least verbal) certitude, I've been having awful dreams about boyfriend breaking up with me, saying mean things to me, or doing anything that ends with me waking up in a sad and doubtful state.

And as if the dreams haven't worn me down, I've been hard-pressed to leave any of boyfriend's behavior un-analyzed. On Sunday night, I texted him saying I missed his kisses and was excited to see him soon. He didn't respond, nor did he send me an email that he had alluded to earlier. The next morning I struggled against a desire to say something rude, resolving to wait until the topic came up. I realized how jumpy I was being when he texted me back saying he had fallen asleep on the couch because he was still sick and he was sorry he hadn't responded.

This uncertainty has manifested itself in my unwillingness to think of a good gift to give to him for our 3 year anniversary. Why? Because putting a lot of thought into a gift makes you vulnerable. If they don't like it, your efforts have been wasted. And if your relationship is rocky, why invest so much energy in the gift?

But I realized that I would need to do something thoughtful, because boyfriend revealed that not only does he plan on taking me to dinner, but he's making something for me. Even if it doesn't take him long to make, it still must require some creativity and thoughtfulness, which I was not exactly displaying with my idea to get him an ipod case.

So I finally buckled down and searched the internet. "Gifts for men." Some things looked appealing, but most weren't things he would enjoy (a heart-shaped paper weight, cool cuff links), and the rest were too expensive (skydiving tickets, hot air balloon). I found a cute customized photo album that seemed perfect, and then I realized that we don't have a lot of pictures. Most of our cuter moments were alone (with no professional photographer around) or are captured on digital cameras and don't look so hot. Worse, we just don't take a lot of pictures.

In thinking about our lack of pictures, I became angry. We should have pictures. We are cute, dammit! We do things together, and we should start making people take pictures of those things! I wanted to get the photo album. But what would I put in it? The three pictures I have? That would be pitiful. I decided that the album would be a symbol of my (and hopefully our) commitment to take more pictures, and in the meantime I would fill it with "snapshots" of our relationship: short, picture-sized pieces of paper filled with descriptions of my memories of our relationship.

Enjoying the idea, I sat down to brainstorm. I started writing chronologically, and when I got about a year in, I lost steam. Most of my memories were from our first year together, when we weren't long-distance. But we had spent summers and winter breaks together. Still, I didn't really remember anything from those times. Anything? No, not really. This troubled me, because I realized that my favorite memories had been the product of spontaneity. They had been unplanned, delightful moments. And I really have turned into a planner, to such an extent that I have to wonder if I've lost my ability to just relax and have fun.

My goal for my visit with boyfriend is to relax and enjoy. No planning. Lots of kissing.

Finally, some clarity

So... I don't think I can narrate the conversation any better than the actual transcript does.

Him: i miss you
Him: i've been feeling optimistic today. i really want to work things out with us
Me: i dont want you to say that just because you're feeling optimistic today, okay?
Him: it's not that, i mean your email to me really made me feel better. and it's not because i feel like i just don't have to deal with it right now, but it's that i don't feel pressured. because i do want to work things out, i just can't right now, and the fact that you understand that makes me happy
Him: i've been thinking about it all day
Him: i know i want to be with you
Him: if you want me to take more time to think about it i will, but i know i want you, and i want to work with you.
Me: but i dont want you to just do it for me. i want you to want to have the same kind of relationship that i want
Him: trust me, it's not for you
Him: i really want to be with you. i want a relationship with you
Him: and i want to see you
Me: i dont have time for it right now either, but... i honestly can't go on being the only one who wants to talk about problems
Him: yur not
Him: i miss our communication too, the way we used to talk, i really do
Me: like... i know you're willing to talk about this stuff. but i cant be the only one to inititate it, either
Him: i know
Me: okay
Him: trust me, your email came in loud and clear
Me: yeah?
Me: so what's this whole.. "space" thing?
Me: i'm sorry... i'm totally ignoring all of the wonderful things that you're saying. they really make me happy, i'm just trying to get some more info too
Him: i don't knwo [mbic], i guess i was just confused about what i want
Him: and i want to be with you, i just can't put in 100% of the effort and maintenance right now
Him: maybe that's what i meant by space
Me: ah
Me: i had no idea what that was.
Him: i don't want to see other people
Me: i guess i just want to talk at some point about what it is that you want, because i said so much and it shouldn't be all about me.
Me: ... that is a relief.
Me: (what you said)
Him: good
Him: i know what i want
Him: i want a relationship with you, that takes work, and i want to work on it when we are together, like the winter, i was thinking about when you come back in a couple weeks, but i don't know if we'll have enough time
Him: and i'd like to talk when we aren't so busy. because when you are here i'll have work and school
Him: during the winter i'll take some time off and maybe come home and be with you and we can work on whatever comes to our minds
Me: well it's an ongoing thing... we don't have to "work" all at once
Him: i know
Me: but yeah
Me: ahhh this is great!
Him: i just want you to know i'm committed. i want you, i'm sure of that
Him: what?
Him: just this?
Me: i dont know, everything
Me: "just" this? you make it sound so little! it is great!
Him: haha
Him: well [mbic], i love you so much. i'm glad i'm making you happy, because i'm really happy too
Him: can i call you?
Me: that would be superb. it's been one week to the day since we really talked on the phone
Him: k, hang on
Him: well you are still on my speed dial :-)

So, now it's back to phone calls for sure. And hopefully some entertaining moments, because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Email volley, call for suggestions, prize for reading post!

Okay. I feel a little guilty for continuing to post the emails. Because, is it getting boring to read all the emails? Well... then I figure, it's my blog! And it's for me to look back on and to write about what's going on, and the emails are what's going on! So then I think that in order to make it more interesting for my readers, but also keep this personal need intact, I should add some commentary, interior monologue, etc... But by the time I enter the emails in, my entries are really long - and lately they've ALL been really long. And I hate it when my posts don't vary in length! I hate reading other blogs where people only write really long, really boring posts. So... I don't have a solution. Suggestions are welcome, and so are ideas for new blogger names (MBIC = My Boyfriend is Crazy. Why should MY name be defined by my boyfriend? Or should I change it at all? Who thinks I'm incredibly indecisive and care about silly things? Alrighty then.)

So. After he broke the silence, I emailed him. And he called me while he was on his way home and I was half asleep. A good sign? I wasn't sure. An awkward sign, for sure... The next morning, I awoke to this email:

"hey [MBIC],

i'm not going to write a whole lot because my head is killing me. but i will be thinking about these things a lot over the next few days/week. maybe we shouldn't talk too much about it right now. i don't mind saying hello and talking a little bit though, i still want to be a part of your life. i just need to do more thinking. but this email helps a lot.

so feel free to call me about anything thats going on, or just to say hi. and especially call me if you need comfort. if your leg is hurting or anything like that, you can definitely call me. even if it's the middle of the night. i love being that person for you, whether or not we are in a relationship.

i really do want to be with you and i just need to figure out if i can give you what you want. i love you so much [MBIC]. i will talk to you soon. miss you

[boyfriend]"

I wanted to write back "You can't be 'that person for me' if we're not dating." Instead, I wrote:

"[Boyfriend],
I understand if you need time to think, but I would like you to respond with some more detail about what it is that you're thinking about and what you need, etc... I hope you were going to do that at some point soon? Because I wrote a lot and I'd like to know where you are right now... also, being able to give me what I want may not be something you can decide without having more information (from talking about what exactly that is...) so while you probably have an overall idea from my email, I'm not sure if you should base all your thoughts on that. I was hoping we might be able to talk more about it together, but I understand if you're not ready for that yet. And the things that I need, aren't things that will happen overnight, and I don't even know if we have the time to work on all of them to the extent we would need to - so depending on your decision, if you wanted to work on things, we can decide at what pace we want to do it. I don't need a more intense and time-consuming relationship right now; I just need a few things and I want to know what you need as well.

But... obviously I am only requesting that you tell me these things, so if you don't want to talk about them yet, that's up to you.

- [MBIC]"

I didn't get a phone call or a response until the next morning. But I wasn't feeling as bad as when I was just waiting to hear from him. I had made a decision (give me what I want, commit to working on the relationship, or it's over) and I had told him what it was. Now I could just wait to hear from him, knowing that my decision was the right one. His email the next morning (today) read:

"hi,

sorry i didn't reply sooner, i just don't really know what to say. maybe i need more time or, i dont know. i just don't feel like i can put all the effort in that you want... i don't know. i want to just say yes, let's work on this, but i just don't know if i can. i'm trying so hard to stay ahead in school and things are going on in my family that have kind of changed my life. not me directly, but with my brothers and sisters and my mom... life is just different right now. for example [explains some personal family problems that are indeed very bad...] i mean...when all of your brother's and sisters (besides [older brother]), that you love and care about more than you realize fuck up like this, it just hits you hard i guess. and that combined with the reality of possibly losing the one person i love more than anything... i don't know, my life is a mess right now. and i just don't think i have room for a relationship that's going to take a lot of maintenance. i'm not calling you high maintenance, but this relationship needs a lot of work if it's going to happen. and i'm not sure if i can do this right now. and i want to see you so badly in a couple weeks but...i just don't know. it's like my life has been turned upside down in a matter of months... how could all this shit happen all at once? i dont get it.

please don't tell anyone what i told you because i'm really not supposed to talk about it, but it's contributing to how i'm feeling right now and i need you to know that. sometimes i feel like i really want to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship alive, but i don't want to decide that becasue tomorrow i could feel the total opposite. and i don't want to fuck around like that. i don't want you to "trust my word" if i can't guarantee anything...

i love you, but i don't think i can do this right now. we can talk later, this weekend if you want. i just don't know what else to say. i just wish you were here... i want to be with you, if you weren't so far away i'd make this work, i swear i would...

i love you

[boyfriend]"

Ouch. A tad bit depressing. And What The Fuck with that whole "if you weren't so far away i'd make this work." Um, okay? Fucking retard. I wanted to write back "Fuck you fuck you fuck you! You are a dumb piece of shit and I hate you!!!" But instead I wrote:

"Hey,

I'm glad you're taking this decision seriously. I just want to make it clear that in order for this to work out, I need you to make a commitment to make the effort. That doesn't mean we need to work on it now. As long as I know it's something you genuinely want to do, we can decide when we want to talk about it and work on it. We can decide on a time that works for both of us - put it off until winter break, summer, whatever. I'm not telling you that your needs aren't important, I just don't know what they are, based on the info you've given me. I want to know more; what you mean when you say you need space (if you know). I'm barely staying afloat with school and work too, and I don't have a bunch of time to dedicate to working through problems right now either. I'm just saying that they exist and that we should be aware of them and committed to working on them at some point. So, my intention was not to imply that I need a lot of your time and energy right now. I want you to succeed at school/work/life as much as you do. Until we have the time, we can decide what kind of relationship we're able to have.

I'm sorry things are so upside down for you. You told me about all the family secrets before, and I'm really glad you're letting me know how much they're affecting you. Given the state of our lives right now, I'm sure that heavy duty work on our relationship isn't appealing to either of us, which is why I'm saying we can/should put it off. It's just that in order to be with you, I need to know that you want to do that in the future, and that you will do it and be open to it, even initiate it sometimes. Co-manage. If you're not willing to commit to that, now or in the future, my decision is to not be in a relationship.

And in order to find out if our needs are compatible, I need to hear more about what yours are. I'm kind of blind to them right now. I know ldr is tough but it's really upsetting for me to hear that this would work out if only I was there. I guess we can talk more about that later.

Take care,

- [MBIC]"

In spite of the depressing tone of his message, I was kind of uncaring. His loss if he wasn't able to commit to working on it at some point. And I didn't have too much time to freak out, since he replied about 20 minutes later:

"well what you said made me happy. i am willing to work on all this with you, but not right now. maybe we could be together and put it off a little bit. hell maybe we can talk when you come back in a couple weeks. or in the winter.

so what does that mean for right now though? i mean, you aren't getting what you want right now obviously, so what can we do right now. if you're serious about wanting to be together and putting off talking for a little while then i could do that.

and by saying i would be with you if you were here, i just mean if you were here i could go through every problem with you and work things out. things are different when you are face to face than when you are on the phone or online. it takes time out of each of our lives when we talk on the phone for hours, and it affects our schoolwork and when we get into a fight and end up talking until 3 or 4 am and then having to wake up at 7, it just isn't ok. but when we are face to face it's easier to work through these problems, at least that's how i feel.

anyway, i'm really sick, i didn't go to class today because i feel like absolute shit. i'm just gonna hang out and do homework, so if you feel like talking, call me or IM me. i don't work so i'll probably be laying low all day/night.

i love you [mbic], and your last email gives me hope. really does. i love you

[boyfriend]"

Fun, short posts coming up. I'm sure this will be aided by the fact that our communication will probably be dominated by the phone now. Also... since I feel so bad about the length of this post in particular, a prize for the people who read this. Post prize suggestions (the more realistic you are, the more likely you'll get the prize) in the comments.

Relief... sort of

He finally talked to me.

First I got an email from him and then he IMed me to say hi. Here is his email:

"thank you for telling me that your coming. i'm really confused right now, and I dont know what i want. i want to be with you, but at the same time i want space and...i don't know. i'm really confused, and now that you're coming home, I don't know what to do. i mean, do you want to see me? i'm just confused about whether or not you want to keep talking and whether you want to see me, whether or not you want to be together...i guess i need some answers and i'm not getting them so i'm really confused about what i want...i don't know, if there's anything else i should know, and if you've figured stuff out about what you want to do please let me know...i love you

[boyfriend]"

We talked briefly on instant messenger. I told him I was so glad to hear from him, and he responded that he loves me and that I am his best friend, and it was hard for him not to talk to me. He asked me to reply to his email. Us talking was so new that I wasn't sure what kind of response to give him - should I tell him every single detail, or just some cut-and-dry basics? He told me he wanted me to tell him everything I could.

I wrote a really long email. It went like this:

"Hey, so... I don't know how to write any of this because my thoughts are kind of all over the place. First of all, the easiest thing to answer is that I would be open to seeing you when I come home, but please don't feel obligated to see me. I'm not coming home for you, if that helps take any of the pressure off. So it's up to you, really.

Now, as for the more complicated part: what do I want? (and all the follow up questions: whether I want to see you, keep talking, be together) I'm not sure what I want. Partly for the same reason you don't know what you want; because you don't know where I stand. Well, I don't know where you stand. Which is why not talking makes this time to ourselves rather difficult.

Another part of my uncertainty is because I don't know how to give you space (what you want) and still get what I need out of a relationship with you. I do want to be with you, but only if I can get what I want - and only if I can give you what you want too, and I'm not sure how both of our needs can be met. Also, I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say you need space - is that the open relationship type of space, or just less pressure in general? I would be willing to figure out a way to give you more space within our relationship, whatever that amounts to, but I still don't think I would be willing to do an open relationship.

I have been thinking, a lot. Our relationship has become so involved over the past few years that it's quite a jolt to be thrown out of it for a while and left with my own thoughts. In some ways, it's been a good thing - I think I've learned a lot about myself that will help me (and us if we were to get back together) in the future.

It's really hard to be in such an involved relationship with so many unknowns (presented by our long distance relationship). Worse, it's harder to sustain such a relationship over such a long period of time.

I'm afraid of staying in this relationship just because I'd rather not go through the heartbreak of ending it. So now that we're having these discussions about what we want, I think this is a good time for me to be clear that what I need from a relationship is not negotiable. The way in which I get the things I need is something we discuss together, but the actual needs themselves must be met. I'm not 100% decided on what those things are, but it is something we can talk about when the time comes, if you want to.

Most of those things I have gotten from you in the past, which makes me hopeful that our relationship can be worked out. But some of them are patterns that I have noticed, that have not gone away. And they're not indicative of you specifically. I don't want to change you. They're indicative of us: the way we communicate, which is affected by our individual personalities and how they mesh (or clash at times). Most importantly, I think that these things need to be worked on by both of us - not just me and not just you, but together. (In our last talk, you told me that you are willing to do this. I'm sorry that I didn't take your word for it. I have trouble simply trusting what you say. I hope that if we work things out, that is something we can work on together.)

Some of the concerns I have, especially in our current situation, seem insurmountable. Things that I can recognize, but can't solve - not by myself, and perhaps not even with the two of us alone. Some of these things might require outside help, if they are ever to be solved (in the form of books, advice, counseling - I don't know). But, perhaps many of them can be addressed by the two of us, together. I don't know, though, because it depends on our willingness to work on them and the strength of our communication. This is a huge part of the reason that I am so uncertain about what I want.

I am not asking you to solve all of our problems, and I am not asking you to do it now, either. I am simply unable to continue this relationship without a mutual commitment and desire to work on it. I want a relationship that is "deep" - that goes beyond maintenance. This doesn't mean that I expect every conversation to last an hour, or every conversation to be about our relationship. It just means that I want some of them to do that, and that I don't want to be the only one who initiates such subjects. I don't want to be the only one who wants to have that kind of relationship.

These things would take time and considerable effort to work on, and I want to work on them. But I don't want to be the only one. I want you to truly want it and value the importance of it, and contribute your own desires and needs and ideas. I also want to work on achieving what makes YOU happy. I'm mostly talking about me right now, but I hope you don't take that as a sign that I simply want to make demands and ignore your needs. I want to have a partnership; not a struggle for power or a series of negotiations that could leave both of us unhappy. And that is why I'm not sure what I want: because I don't know if you are willing to do this, and if you tell me that you are willing to do it, I don't know how to trust your word. But it is something that I really want to trust.

So I will stop doubting the things you say, and if you decide what you want, and if that is to be with me and that you are interested in working on all of the things that I am, I will trust your word. Which is why I am willing to give you as much time as you need to be able to answer that, and as much information and discussion as you want, and I urge you to be completely honest with me.

I do love you, a lot. If you want more time to write your email (need to go to sleep, need more time to think, anything) just let me know.

- [MBIC]

PS. My leg is doing awful, it started hurting badly last night and you were the first person I thought of to call for comfort."

The silent treatment

I waited for two entire days before I said anything to boyfriend. Two days doesn't seem like a lot, but I felt like I might be able to handle talking to him on email or through text messages. He had sounded before like he wanted to keep talking.

I texted him before I went to bed late on Friday night; just said:
"I'm going to bed but I wanted to say goodnight & I'm thinking of you"

I woke up the next day with no response from him. Oh well, I thought, he'll talk to me when he's ready. But by 8pm the next day, he still hadn't responded. I was sure it wasn't an accident, so I wrote him again - I just wanted to be clear that I was taking his silence as a cue to stop contacting him. I ended the message with "Take care, love you." I wanted to be supportive of whatever he needed and let him know that I care about him and I want to wait until he's ready to talk.

He replied 15 minutes later with:
"[MBIC] it's confusing when you say you don't want to talk and then text me 2 days later. You can't do that. If you want time take it. It was nice hearing from you but wasn't appropriate."

As an afterthought, he sent me another text:
"I love you too but I need time too."

When we last spoke he had expressed an interest in talking, so I didn't know that he wasnt up for it... anyway, he was also telling me that I wasn't ready to talk, which is my decision to make. Hoping my reply indicated this, I wrote:
"Take all the time you need, I'm not trying to pressure you. Whenever you're ready let me know."

It was nice to give him the decision, and nice to know that he's finally taking the time he needs. It's a little scary (a lot scary sometimes), but I don't feel so much pressure to figure things out now - I can just take the time I need until he's ready. (Not that I am - every other day I think it's over, and the rest I think we should be together.)

Then I realized he still doesn't know I'm coming back in October. I had agreed to go home because my mom really wanted me to, and I had already reserved the tickets. Should I tell him? Or should I wait until he wants to talk to tell him? I was going to wait until an entire week had passed so it wouldn't seem like I was pestering him, but I saw him online today and he didn't say anything to me. It was upsetting. So I sent him an email:

"Hey, I'm sorry I don't want to bother you and that's not my intention here. I just decided a bit ago that I am going to be coming back in October and since I don't know when I'll be talking with you again I didn't know when I could tell you. Just thought you might want to know."

He stayed online for a while, but didn't respond to my email. I realized that I wouldn't be able to handle constantly looking for him online, so I blocked him from my buddy list.

I'm glad he's taking the time he needs. It's helpful to know that he's really thinking about it and not just making a decision on the spur of the moment. And I know I can be happy without him, eventually. If we do get back together, the perspective I've gained will help me a lot. But waiting for an answer is really crappy.

Boyfriend vacation

After a week of not talking, we had to schedule a time. Wednesday night at 9.

At 9, he texted me saying he was going to be a little late.

Then he texted me again telling me he had to drive all the way to another place to pick something up before he could drive home - Loser 1 was driving and boyfriend had no choice but to go along. It would be two more hours before he would get home, putting our conversation time at roughly 1am.

Fine, I agreed.

At 2am I still hadn't heard from him. I lay down in bed and drafted a biting text message in my head. Something like "I'm so glad we talked." How pathetic that even when we scheduled a time to talk, it didn't happen. This is what our relationship has become. When was the last time I was truly happy and didn't have to think about whether I was getting enough from him?

I'm tired of being the one who wants more, and the only one who is willing to come up with ideas of what to do to fix our problems. Every time we encounter a problem, I have to come up with the solution. He just sits there and says "I'm fine; it's your problem" and contributes no ideas. I can't do that anymore. I want a co-manager in this relationship.

He texted me a few minutes after I turned the lights out and said he was finally home. He asked if we could talk another day. I'm busy other days, I told him. I didn't feel like talking either, but I had just waited 5 hours for him to call me. He just kept texting his responses. Finally, I called him.

I asked him why he changed his mind about the open relationship. How could he be sure of what he wanted in just a week? I guess he could; who am I to tell him he doesn't know what he wants? But even if a week is enough time for him to be sure, it's not enough time for me to be sure that he's sure. ... yeah.

Also, I don't have much time to talk this year. I barely have time to sleep. If we break up, I won't have time for a relationship with someone else. I just don't know if this tiny amount of time is enough for our relationship. And what if our passion is gone? Our relationship has become all work, no more untroubled conversations full of smiles and the revelations that made me fall in love with him so long ago. Is there any passion left in our relationship, or are we just comfortable with what we have? Sometimes I don't feel like he knows me anymore; he doesn't seem interested in talking about some of the more intellectual things I'm interested in. Then again, he might be interested and I might just be assuming he's not. Regardless, I don't want to make such an important decision based on a temporary slump, if that's what this is.

I told all of these things to boyfriend. For once, he expressed an interest in "co-managing;" he claimed that he wanted to help brainstorm ideas to help us stay connected; he even expressed a willingness to schedule time to talk, something he had formerly opposed. This was encouraging, but it didn't tempt me to change my mind. It's easy to say those things during a time of crisis.

I told him I need more time alone to figure out what I want, because I'm confused. About everything. I love him and I want to have some kind of relationship with him, but beyond that I have no idea what I need. And I don't even know what to do and think about during this time; I just know that it's the best decision to make.

"What about talking? Can we still talk?" He asked.

"I don't know," I said - again, I truly don't know anything.

"I just want to know what's happening in your life. I want to know how your leg is doing, how your classes are going..."

I didn't say anything for a bit. If I kept talking to him, would I get the perspective I need? Would I get sucked into the familiarity of talking to him and forget that there are real issues here? Even if I could do it, what about him? I wanted to give him time to think, too. Maybe not talking would give him some perspective too.

"I think it's easier to say we should stop talking for now, because we can always start talking when we're ready. It's harder to know when to cut it off if we start out talking." I felt a little cruel saying it.

"Yeah." It sounded like he expected it.

"We can always change our minds later," I said, imagining that it sounded reassuring.

It was odd getting off the phone. We said goodbye rather than goodnight, and while the I love you sounded the same as usual, its meaning felt foreign to me.

Bitchy and indecisive

I called boyfriend briefly yesterday as promised, just to check in. It was a busy day and I was running on two hours of sleep. As I got off the phone, he told me to call him before I went to bed. He also said he would call me later on to say goodnight.

I tried calling before bed, but he didn't answer. When I woke up in the morning, I hadn't received any calls from him.

Now, I'm not saying it means anything. It just reinforced the fact that he has done this a lot in the past, and will continue to do it - even though he's committed to me. And now I have to think "Is that something I'm willing to deal with if I stay with him?" And I'm not sure.

As I walked to the train station, I continued thinking. Was any of this okay? We're both so busy that we rarely have time to talk. And when we do talk, our banter seems somewhat disinterested. I give him a run-down of what I did during my day and rarely get to descriptions of the things that really matter: what's on my mind, the funny thing that happened in class, etc. Our "passion" seems to be gone, at least for the moment.

When I arrived at my internship, boyfriend IMed me and I was unable to hide my sour mood. When he asked what was going on, I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore and that we needed to talk. Then, simply trying to set up a time to talk, we both became frustrated - he blamed me for making it so difficult to set up, and I had to resist the urge to tell him that maybe we shouldn't talk at all.

Obviously, I'm not exactly looking forward to hearing from him right now.

I take it back, baby!

Since boyfriend revealed to me that he is "sure" he wants to be with me rather than the open relationship he was "sure" about the week before, we haven't talked much. We've texted each other and said goodnight a couple times on the phone, but there hasn't been a lot of time to sit down and discuss.

And it's been four days.

Even more strange, neither of us mentioned the need to talk about it. After a day he just started calling me "baby" again. Which is odd, because I don't recall ever telling him if it was okay with me that we get back together.

So finally when we were chatting online I mentioned that I thought we needed to discuss what's going on, and he agreed. Good! Now I know he didn't just forget about that little week when we were broken up. Because that would be mighty convenient, wouldn't it?

Maybe if he never changed his mind about being committed to me for that week I would be fine. But he did, so now I'm not sure what I want. I have repeatedly frustrated boyfriend by expressing a lack of faith in our relationship - often when there was no reason to doubt his commitment. Usually such fears came from more personal feelings of self-consciousness. But now I think I have sufficient reasons, and if he really wants to be committed to me he's going to have to do more than just say "I love you" to prove it.

... Money would prove it.

Or a car. Definitely.