Pie tasting

The thing with boyfriend is, I really do understand why he wants an open relationship. During our first year apart, I asked him for one. My eye wasn't really set on anyone in particular at the time; I just thought it made sense. We're only twenty, and back when I requested the change, we were only eighteen. It's a pretty young age to be committed. It's an age at which it almost doesn't make sense to be committed.

A couple years ago, my mom and I were out at breakfast and she was talking to me about my brother. Mom was upset that he was going to the same college as his girlfriend because she was afraid they might end up together, and she wasn't in support of that. Why not? I asked her. She explained it in an analogy.

"Say you've only eaten cherry pie. You love cherry pie. You decide you only want to have cherry pie, for the rest of your life. But how do you know that you don't want to try the other kinds of pie? How do you know that you won't like apple or peach better?"

Thank you, Mom. I swallowed her bias with some skepticism. Because, what if you stop eating cherry pie to try out apple or peach, but you realize that you liked cherry best? Unlike with actual pies, in the dating universe you can't usually just order up Mark again. "I tried out Scott and David, but I like you best." Furthermore, when do you decide to stop trying pies? You will never run out of different types of pie, so the curiosity about all those pies won't fade simply because you tried them all - you have to pick a "favorite" at some point. And if you love cherry pie and you're completely happy with it, why forfeit it for pies that won't necessarily be better?

Furthermore, my mother is a woman who, well... let's just say she's tried out many pies. And she's been divorced twice, including to my father. So how much can I really trust her wisdom?

But I suppose her speech had gotten to a part of me, because when I asked for an open relationship during my freshman year at college, I was hoping to try out some peach and apple pies - if only to make sure that I really wanted to spend more time with cherry. Before you commit to someone, you have to make an educated guess that they will make you happy for a long, long time. And it's hard to make that guess when you're not a seasoned pie-taster... er, man-dater.

When I broke up with boyfriend right before our sophomore year, I was kind of excited. All my friends, all my favorite television shows and movies romanticized single life. There was something exciting about meeting men at bars - or just anywhere. Something exciting about being available. But after a while, I realized that a lot of the excitement was coming from peoples' desire to find someone to take them away from being single. A lot of people who are single are just trying to find someone. When I realized this, I didn't even taste the pie that was offered to me. I just realized that pie-tasting wasn't what I wanted, and I got back together with boyfriend.

Now he's asking for the same thing, and I have to decide what to do. Because I really do love him, and a part of me wants to do things that will make him more likely to change his mind: continue talking to him, tell him how upset I am, etc. But a larger part of me wants him to get what he wants. Because if he wants to date other people and I somehow stop him, he will be unhappy. I want him to want to be in a relationship with me because he's sure he wants it; not because he's afraid of the alternative.

So when he told me on Thursday night (only a week after asking for the open relationship) that he thinks he changed his mind and wants to be with me, I was surprisingly troubled.

The aftermath - Saturday & Sunday

The following posts will catch you up to this one:
Open relationship
Breaking the news
Aftermath: Thursday & Friday

Saturday
I woke up and was immediately upset, but I had to go to work. After work, I came home to an email from boyfriend (a reply to my previous email). It read,

"i miss you so much too. i feel horrible [MBIC]...i know i blindsided you with all this and i feel like shit because of it...i'm so sorry that i hurt you. i just don't want you to feel self conscious or feel like it was anything that you did that made me do this. this summer has been so amazing and i am so in love with you... i have been feeling so confused lately. like i'm having doubts even though i'm sure that i should do this at least for a little while. but even the past 2 days since i brought this up have made me reflect on how i do take you for granted (as much as i try not to). i love you so much and it's so hard to picture my life without you, which is why i really hope we can either still have a relationship that's more open, or at least have a friendship. one thing i'm pretty confident of is that I don't want this separation to last forever. I want to be back with you. i want to be committed to you. maybe this will make it easier down the road, i'll know how much i love you and how much i miss you and need you in my life. because i know that right now. i need you in my life, [MBIC]. which is why i really want to stay in touch. and i guarantee you if you come back in october i will be here for you for whatever you want to do. i love you so much. [boyfriend] ps: i'm online on campus, still don't have internet in the house yet. i should get the modem soon. i really wanted to email you though. call me whenever you want."

I didn't reply to the email. He didn't call and he didn't text that night.

Sunday

I woke up and was sad, again. I realized as I checked my email that this is what would happen if I continued talking to him. I would be disappointed every time he didn't call or email. I couldn't deal with constantly being disappointed. But I still wasn't ready to stop talking to him, or to change his ringtone, or to change my relationship status on my internet profiles.

My housemate came up to my room and we talked about the situation, and she convinced me that it would be a good idea to stop talking to him. "You'll never be ready to stop talking to him. You have to just do it." Good point. I texted this to boyfriend, who seemed very upset. "Can I still email you?" He asked. I told him no and explained my rationale.

When our exchange was over, I felt horrible. An hour later I felt even worse, so I texted him again:

"I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do."

He responded right away: "Maybe we should keep talking then"

"I don't know, I feel like I'm fooling myself"

"I'm still the same person [MBIC]. You can always talk to me."

"Doesn't make it better. I want you to be mine & I can't have that."

"Well I'm here if you need me"

I didn't know what to say to that. He sounded like he was telling me he was there for me as a friend.

I went out to dinner with my housemate and when I got back, boyfriend was online. I wasn't sure if I should talk to him, but I messaged him to find out if I was up to the task. He had found a faint wireless connection and had been hoping to see me online. We talked for a long time about what was going on with us. I told him how upset I'd been lately, and he told me the same. I was a little shocked at how upset he had been - apparently he had been crying his eyes out with guilt and fear of losing me, and almost changed his mind several times.

But we both agreed that if he decides he wants to return to an exclusive relationship, he should be doing it for the right reasons.

After our conversation, I felt oddly happy. Nothing had fundamentally changed, but I had been reminded that he still loves me and that I am important to him. I may not be sure about what my course of action should be, but at least I felt like I had more control over my decision.

I loosely decided to continue talking to him until I figure out what I need to do - if not talking to him caused more trouble than talking, it was worth it for the time being.

Open Relationship: Thursday & Friday

Posts that will catch you up to this point:
First, second, third.

Thursday
So, I called L for some support. I think all she really said was "Well that sucks" and "What do you think is going to happen?" The rest of the time she listened to me ranting.

Boyfriend called twice while I was on the phone with her, but I didn't answer. I had no idea what to say. I eventually got off the phone with L and checked my voicemail, in which boyfriend said he didn't know what happened (so, didn't know I hung up) and to call him back.

I called back, and he said he couldn't talk very long (he had to go take a drug test as part of a job interview and help a friend with their car, etc.) but he wasn't doing anything that night, so he could call me then...

In the meantime, I bitched to a couple of my friends at school about it and I called my dad. He is amazing and always calms me down, yet he doesn't just comfort; he asks questions and offers analysis, etc.

I had dealt admirably with the situation so far. I was in a cloudy mood, but not locked in my room crying. I had resorted to distraction, and invited people over to watch TV.

Later, during the Grey's Anatomy premiere, I got a text from boyfriend which said...
"Going to the gym then gonna be kinda busy. Free all day tomorrow. I love you. Are you free tomorrow?"

I was outraged - he had told me earlier that he had nothing to do that night. So he had made plans to go to the gym with his Loser friends after promising to call me. Furthermore, he felt no obligation to talk about such an important thing with someone he had just hurt.

A flurry of texts followed, wherein I told him he was hurting me and he offered no apology. I called him, and he was perfectly unresponsive. He revealed that he wanted to sleep on it and he wasn't ready to continue such a difficult conversation. I didn't care. I would have agreed with him if he had called me and told me how he felt rather than saying 'I'm going to the gym with my pals'. But he didn't. He offered me a crap explanation.

I called him an asshole, and then realized I shouldn't have made a mistake (or at least, shouldn't have said something he could use against me) so I hung up.

He texted me that it wasn't okay for me to hang up on him - I replied that it wasn't okay for him to treat me this way.

He didn't call later.

Friday
I woke up and immediately began letting out the tears I'd been holding back. I composed myself for a meeting with a professor, then immediately called my dad. Again, a brilliant man.

He explained that part of why I was hurting at the moment was because I was relying on boyfriend to comfort me and take my pain away, and that I couldn't rely on that. He told me that the final decision was up to me, but that if I was to stay with boyfriend, it should be because I wanted an open relationship. He also told me that I may need time to myself to figure out what I needed, but that I may not be able to let go yet and make a decision, and that's okay too.

I asked him what I should say when boyfriend called later. Of course, it's hard to figure out what you're going to say when you don't know what you want. Dad advised me to write an email instead of talking on the phone; based on our last conversation, nothing productive would come from a phone call.

I got off the phone as class started. We were watching a movie for the first half of class. I composed myself and found a seat next to my housemate, who asked me if I was okay. "No," I replied, starting to cry again.

I watched the movie and tried to distract myself. When it was over, the class took a break and I sat outside. I couldn't stop crying and I wouldn't be able to concentrate or avoid attracting attention to myself if I returned to class. I asked my housemate what I should do and she said I should go tell the prof. I found him kneeling by a copy machine and told him quickly "Something bad happened and I can't go to the rest of class." My face was red and my eyes still wet.

He got up and seemed almost to rush toward me; I backed up a little. I had been hoping he would just say "okay" and let me leave. "Is there anything I can do?" He asked. Concern had taken over his face and I felt very awkward.

"No, I'll be okay. I just have to go."

"Do you need to talk to someone? Are you going to go be with people; should I contact a friend for you?"

It dawned on me that he was concerned I would harm myself. "No, I'll be okay. I just can't go to the rest of class."

He made me promise to email him later, and I rushed off to my room. I was crying and had an unreasonably painful headache. I needed a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep. Eventually I realized I would only stop crying and be able to fall asleep if I could stop thinking about boyfriend. Unfortunately, there was nothing else I could think of. I downed some ibuprofen and cyclobenzaprine and eventually drifted off.

I was awoken by a call from boyfriend. I hadn't planned what I would say, but I was still in a stupor from the nap and the muscle relaxants, so I figured the conversation would be easier.

"Hello?" I answered, my voice muffled by a number of things (sleep, drugs, fear, sadness...)

Our conversation surprised me. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember that I told him everything I was thinking about, and he told me how sad he was and how horrible he felt. He didn't just sound sorry; he sounded hurt too. He didn't want to break up, but he needed to do this other thing too. He was afraid of losing me.

I told him I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for me to talk to him or not. He said he would do whatever I wanted; whatever would help me the most.

That night, I smoked pot with a friend. When I got home, I emailed him "I miss you so much" and texted him:

"I miss you so much. I'm scared"

He texted me back almost immediately with "Im scared too. Im gonna call you tonight. I cant email. Ill call you later and wake you up"

This was comforting. He called later and we said goodnight.

Open relationship: Breaking the news

PLEASE READ:

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their support concerning my last post and my blog in general. Even the people who said "I told you so." I'm sure no one means that ill-spiritedly. If you do, that's okay too. I'm not going to lie. I'm very upset right now and at times I don't want to even think about what's going on. But I want to blog about it because it helps me settle and organize my thoughts, and because every once in a while, my readers really brighten my day. I'm not sure if I'm up to responding to comments, but please know that I do appreciate them, very very much.

So... here's what's going on...

**~**

It was somewhat a shock to me when he told me, but I wasn't really shocked considering how much more freedom he'd been asking for at the end of the summer, and how unwilling he's been to discuss our relationship. And the freak-out he/we had at the beginning of the summer.

The truth is, I can understand why he wants an open relationship. I wanted one during our first year away from each other. I know now that it wasn't truly an open relationship, because I never dated anyone and nothing fundamental changed in my relationship with boyfriend, but the reasons for wanting one made sense: We are both in the first serious relationship of our lives. We are forced to think about the future because of the nature of our relationship - we are basically waiting to be together. And by that point we will have been together for 5 years. And then what? Marriage is just something you consider when you've dated someone for that long.

So his reasons were not simply "I want to see other people," but, like mine when I initiated the open relationship, they were "I want to know for sure, without any doubts." He also expressed difficulty with being apart, not able to hold me and be near me, and not able to know when we might see each other again. He had been thinking about the idea for a couple weeks and had consulted his parents (who are divorced, married young, and went through a long distance relationship). He told me he had no one specific in mind, which I believe, and that he didn't even know if he wanted to date anyone - he just wanted the option.

He kept asking me to tell him what I was thinking and feeling, but I just continued asking him questions. "Why do you think you want this? What does this mean? How can we be less committed than we already are? How long would we try it for? Are you sure you're not just afraid to admit that you want to break up with me?"

He didn't know the answers to a lot of these, but he assured me he didn't want to break up. He said he had hoped I would want the same thing. In his classic "I don't play by the same rules as you," he told me it was impractical to have a trial period, and that I may need it but he didn't. He said "I don't want to give you an ultimatum" when that's essentially what he was doing. Saying no and keeping him was not an option.

When I was done with my questions, I told him how I felt. First I asked him why he had told me that his news wasn't about anything bad. His answer was that he didn't want me to be worried.

He had been crying almost from the beginning of the conversation when he realized that I probably wouldn't want an open relationship, and I don't quite remember everything I said when it was my turn to speak. I was having trouble staying on the phone with him. At one point, he cut me off abruptly:

"I have to go to the bathroom."

He didn't say "be right back" or wait for me to say "okay." He just walked away from the phone. I didn't know what to do anymore, what to say. I hung up on the silence and called L...

Surprise!

He wants an open relationship.

I need to talk to you about something

I received a voicemail yesterday from boyfriend in which he said "Hey, I'm just calling to say hi and I want to talk to you, give me a call back anytime."

I called him back, and he says "Oh... I'm about to go get a movie and hang out with Loser 2. Will you be awake for a while? I want to talk to you about something." He sounded serious, or kind of down or something.

It was midnight already. "I can wait for a little bit but not if you plan on watching the movie first."

"Oh... well... when are you available tomorrow?" I was kind of annoyed that if he had something to talk about he wasn't willing to call me before watching a movie, but I told him when I would be free.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, rather worried.

"No, nothing like that." Did he pause before he answered? I couldn't tell.

"You're freaking me out!" Why the hell couldn't he tell me what was going on?

"Don't worry, it's nothing bad." But his tone didn't reassure me. "I'll call you tomorrow."

So now I wait.

Boyfriend counseling

Of my girl friends, I'm pretty much the only one who's had a serious relationship. One of my friends has never had a boyfriend, and she's twenty! Their lack of romance is frustrating when I tell them about problems I have with boyfriend. Their responses are usually "That sucks" or "That's never happened to me," followed by a "Sorry I can't help." But I'm grateful for their listening ears.

And of course, since I'm the most experienced, I am the one everyone comes to when they finally do have a love interest. A few weekends ago, I was accosted by three friends from home who all called me to ask for relationship advice. "Why is he ignoring me?" "When should I call him?" "That's a good sign, right?"

And finally, I'm now the sex advice person for some of my friends. I would offer advice to my readers, but I'm sure I haven't presented myself as very objective of "on top of it" when it comes to relationships.

Still, it's nice to be the rock for once.

Men surprise you

I had written an email that could potentially have irritated him. I woke up the next day with trepidation. It was one of those times when you realize that you probably made a mistake. Why did I have to be whiny and needy? I opened my email, afraid to find out what had happened. Would he even email me back?

He did. Here's what he wrote:

"i know how you feel baby (obviously). i think about you all the time, even though we don't talk a whole lot right now, i'm thinking about you constantly, especially before i go to bed every night. whenever i call you or after i email you, i lie in bed thinking of you, missing you, wishing you were next to me, until i fall asleep. we've chosen kind of a hard life by choosing to stay committed to each other, i know it's been really tough on both of us and we've been through a lot of trials in our relationship from dating other people to breaking up, not talking at all for a long period of time, fighting, but then always working something out. it's not going to get any easier i don't think, but having you in my life is worth every second of grief that i have. i know you don't always feel super confident and feel self conscious sometimes about our relationship and yourself, but the fact that you have made this work with me (as have i) proves to me how strong you are. we are very strong [MBIC], and no matter what happens in the future, we can take on a lot of bullshit and still love each other and stay committed to each other on some level.

i love you more than anything in the world. i would trade any joy or passion that i have in my life just to be able to be close to you, to be with you, hug you, kiss you anytime i wanted. i love you so much, and no matter what, always remember that. and one of my top goals in life is to make you happy. you are such a beautiful and strong person and i admire you so much. i love you [MBIC]. i'll talk to you tomorrow baby

love [boyfriend]

ps: we should have phone sex more often when i move up to [school] ;-)"

Wow. Looks like we were all wrong. :) Who likes my boyfriend now?

Mistake Email?

Late on Thursday night, I was feeling a little down. Since I got back to school three weeks ago, boyfriend and I have only had one long conversation - an hour. Otherwise, we talk for about ten minutes a day. He calls when he's free and I'm not, or I call when he's not free. The time difference doesn't help, either.

I drafted an email. It started sweet, but by the time I was done I couldn't tell if it was sweet or needy, or both. Worse, I couldn't tell if boyfriend would get defensive or angry about it. But I decided to send it, because if he has a problem with me expressing my feelings, it's not fair to me.

The email is below...

"I'm going to put it plainly. I miss you a lot. I miss it when we both had the free time to just sit and talk on the phone about silly things, and have phone sex. I miss talking on IM with you. I miss actually knowing when you are on IM [his status is never reliable anymore]. I miss reading the Long Distance Relationship book together. I miss remembering every night with you because they all used to be so special. I miss you opening doors for me, and being surprised that you did it. I miss us talking about things and finding out that we agree about something I thought we would disagree about. I miss getting your emails, when they were long and an entire paragraph was devoted to expressing how much you loved and missed me. I miss you convincing me to take pictures of myself or to go to the closet to masturbate on the phone with you so my roommates wouldn't hear. I miss knowing when you want me. I miss you sending me pictures and songs. I miss being afraid that we'd used up too many minutes on our cell phones, or waiting until the exact moment that calling was free so we could talk.

I miss everything, but those are the things I miss the most."

On Monday I'll post boyfriend's response - any guesses as to what it might've said?

Deleting a loved one - technically vs emotionally

The more attached you become to someone, the more you let them into your life. Some moments are symbolic - like changing your myspace status to "In a Relationship", while we are oblivious to others. After dating boyfriend for almost three years, there are so many things that I would have to change if we were to break up:


- Myspace and Facebook relationship status
- Top 8 on Myspace
- Ringtone for his calls
- Picture that pops up on my phone when he calls
- Speed dial number (as in, take him off of it)
- Stuffed animal I sleep with (shut up...)
- Night shirts I sleep in
- Pictures in my frames
- The necklace he gave me... are we supposed to keep these things when they're so sentimental?

And then there are things that you can't erase, at least not completely. The things that seem to take forever to stop haunting you. Things that remind me of him:

- Green Day
- REM
- Pixies
- Computer Science
- Ebay
- Converses
- Friends, Nip/Tuck
- Italians
- Spaghetti (especially when served with clam sauce)
- Heineken
- Chivalry
- A lack of fashion sense
- Poor money management
- Guys who are capable of being silly
- People who don't plan
- Saturns
- Cold Stone Creamery
- Baseball hat wearers
- Baseball, especially the Mariners
- Condoms and anything else sexual; birth control pills/other
- House painting
- References to high school dances, especially Homecoming and Prom
- Compliments about my looks that are not designed to get me into bed, especially the phrase "You're pretty"
- Local rock bands
- Team America
- Guitar Center
- Bad handwriting
- New Jersey
- Long distance relationships
- Yellow lab dogs

... No, we're not breaking up. I was just thinking about this when I added a picture to personalize the screen on my phone when he calls.

Rejected in Translation

There seems to be an assumption that is made by boys at my school that if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would date them. They are wrong.

I am the pickiest girl I have ever met. Of all the guys that go to school with me, I've only met one with boyfriend potential. And obviously, I'm not dating him.

Last year, the one with boyfriend potential, BP, and I became good friends. I met his best friend, Slightly Dorky, and had a lot of fun hanging out with them. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Slightly Dorky made a move on me when I was drunk. This was technically okay because I was in an "open" relationship with boyfriend at the time. It was not okay because I didn't like him and I was drunk. I spent the night in his room only because I was too wasted to walk back to my own.

Slightly Dorky brought me hand-picked flowers the next day. I very awkwardly accepted them and slunk back to my room. I had to stop whatever was happening.

The next time I spoke to Slightly Dorky was on IM, so I quickly told him that what happened was a mistake. I didn't like him, and I was with my boyfriend anyway. He was crushed.

The next year, Slightly Dorky was abroad in Japan. I missed him because we'd had a lot of fun together before the bad event, and BP was being a bad friend.

This year, Slightly Dorky is on campus, I'm on campus... we went to a party together, and when he was leaving he invited me to go with him and his friends. I went along.

One of Slightly Dorky's friends was a visitor from another college, the Swede. As the three of us were sitting on a couch, we discovered that the Swede knew both French and Japanese. Slightly Dorky knew Japanese, and I knew French.

A wonderful idea came to me: let's have a conversation and the Swede translates! Everyone was excited.

I had been thinking of silly things to say, but unfortunately, Slightly Dorky went first. The Swede said, "Slightly Dorky wants to know if you're indifferent to him, if you're friends, or if you're more than that."

I had been planning to say something about cheese and wine. Crap.

The poor Swede ended up translating a very uncomfortable conversation in which I said "I have a boyfriend, but I do want to be friends, but I don't want to be the type of friend you don't hang out with." Slightly Dorky spent 15 minutes consulting the Swede, who would then report back "He loves you."

Great.

Finally it was 4:30am and Slightly Dorky told the Swede he was going to bed. He walked up to his room without saying goodbye to me.

Awkward?

The 3 year anniversary - a dilemma

My 3 year anniversary with boyfriend is this October. I am pretty excited, because I think I will be able to see him. My school has a fall break that usually coincides almost exactly with our anniversary.

Our first year, I got him a digital camera. Our second year, we were on a break. This year, I'm stumped at what to get him.

The other thing is, I'm flying out to see him, which will be paid for by my dad (through air-miles). But I was only able to negotiate for those miles because my dad told me he would pay for a flight that I paid for myself to come visit him. The flight cost $380 and by taking the miles, I forfeit my right to be paid back. So I already feel like I'm spending $380 to go see boyfriend.

What should I get him? Here's a list of past gifts.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Goodbye sex, pt II: the sex

This post is sexually explicit. I would apologize, but I think you wanted it.


We hadn't had sex in over a week. That may not mean a lot to boyfriend, since I had been giving him blowjobs, but it meant a lot to my g-spot - all the attention of the past week had been given to my clit.

We got to my room, and he slipped off his pants. I wanted him to undress me, but if he was doing his own work, then I might as well do mine. I took off my pants to reveal my white mesh low-rise boyshorts. "oooooh!" Boyfriend said. I would tease him more, but I really wanted sex, now, so I daintily slid the panties to my feet and stepped out of them. I then joined him on the bed. By this point, he was naked as well.

I kissed him the way you do when kissing isn't enough; I scratched his back and pushed myself against his hardened penis. Boyfriend slid his hand down to my thigh and massaged my clit. I couldn't wait any longer.

Neither could he. "Fuck me," he said, laying back as I straddled him. I rested myself just on top of the head of his penis, barely touching it, and slid down the length of his shaft, teasing him for a minute before finally guiding him inside me.

I was in control, deciding how fast and how deep to go, him making occasional thrusts. But it had been so long and I had wanted it so badly that I could feel it coming within a few minutes of starting. Like right before you sneeze, only inside me and I could decide when the sneeze came. He saw the expression on my face and heard the catch in my breathing. "Yeah baby, come. I want to watch you come."

I did. I came for so long that it almost hurt from feeling so intense. I breathed into boyfriend's skin, I bit him and scratched him, and breathlessly murmured how good it felt. When I was done, I paused, then said "Okay," and asked him what he wanted to do next. It was the last night I could be with him, and he had given me such an amazing orgasm. "Whatever you want," I said, "I'll do it. Anything."

"Like what?" Boyfriend said, not quite understanding what I meant.

"Like dressing up, or anything you can think of that you want me to do."

"Do you still have that school girl outfit?" Boyfriend asked.

He went to the bathroom to wash off his dick, so I wouldn't have to deal with the condom smell. While he was inside, I put on my plaid skirt, a tight white shirt, black bra, and white knee highs. No panties.

Boyfriend came back and lay on the bed. He instructed me to strip off my shirt and bra, which I did slowly and confidently while maintaining eye contact. I joined him on the bed and touched him a little, but he stopped me and said, "Do the innocent thing."

One day when I was fooling around with him, I started pretending I had never done anything before. "How should I hold it? How fast should I do it? Ohmygosh, it feels funny!" He liked it a lot.

That night, boyfriend proceeded to teach me to give him a blowjob.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Goodbye sex, pt I: pre-sex

If we know me by now, we know that I read a lot - maybe too much - into sex. Does he want it enough, does he initiate it enough, what does it mean when he doesn't want it or if I consistently want it more than he does, do I even want it more than he does, or do I just think he should want it more, etc.

When I hurt my leg, me and boyfriend stopped having sex. We did it once afterwards, and it worsened the injury a little. So I started giving blowjobs and handjobs, and he reciprocated. And he didn't complain, not once. There are two ways to interpret this.

1) What an incredibly wonderful and understanding boyfriend! He refuses to complain in spite of the lack of sex because he knows that I am injured and doesn't want to make me feel inadequate. Furthermore, I give great blowjobs.

2) Doesn't he seem a little too okay with the sex vacay? I mean, I'm glad he isn't mad at me for something I can't help, but he can still express that he wants it, or wishes I wasn't hurt, or something. At least then I would know that I was desired. No?

I couldn't help but wondering.

"So," I asked in bed one night, "if my leg wasn't hurt, would you want to have sex more than we have been having lately?"

"Yeah." Not emphatic, but not dismissive either.

"Okay, just checking," I responded quickly, sounding like the verbal equivalent of a dorky thumbs-up. I wasn't sure whether to feel silly for asking, and how much to really believe him.

Around the last weekend I was in town, I made a sexual innuendo and boyfriend expressed a concern about me hurting my leg.

"Then we'll be careful, but I'm not missing goodbye sex with you," I said, very firmly.

Last weekend with boyfriend: Frustrating Saturday night/Sunday morning

When you're in a long distance relationship, there is a sort of cycle you undergo when you're finally together. When you first see each other, you cherish every moment and attempt to spend as much time as possible together. This lasts for a few days or a week. Following this, you begin to acclimate yourselves to each others' presence, and seek each others' company as you might if you were around each other all the time. You might see each other all the time still, but you have mentally moved on to the "It's always been like this" phase. This lasts until the final stage, which comes on during the last few days of a visit. The last phase is the "Oh my God I'm really leaving and I don't know when I'm going to see you again and I hope we're going to be okay" phase. Or, the OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase for short.

The OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase set on for me on my last Saturday with boyfriend. My parents were out of town since Friday night, and wouldn't be back until Sunday. On Sunday I would be packing, and Monday morning I was leaving. So Saturday, I realized, was my last real day with boyfriend. I started thinking about all the things we said we were going to do over the summer, and over the weekend. We were going to watch Snakes on a Plane. We were going to go to the falls nearby and out to dinner. We were going to take horny pills from Lover's Package and see what happened.

I knew we wouldn't fit all of these things in, but I was desperate to fit at least one. The dinner and falls were ruined when boyfriend said "My mom said we're having barbeque tonight, do you want to eat dinner at my place?"

"Okay, sure." Hey, it's free food.

I made a stab at the Lover's Package idea. I may have had a bum leg, but I wasn't going to skip goodbye sex. I asked boyfriend if he was interested.

"Well I don't want to drive down to Lover's Package, I'm tired of driving."

"Really? It's like a five minute drive. If you don't want to go though, I'll go get them and meet you at your parents' for dinner."

Boyfriend agreed. I have never been to Lover's Package, and I wasn't sure whether this situation called for embarrassment. Furthermore, I wasn't going with friends, or even a lover. I decided to act natural, but put on some make up before entering.

There was a lot of stuff there, and for some reason I averted my eyes. I would love to get a vibrator, but that's not what I was there for and I wanted to act nonchalant about the situation. "Slow day?" I asked the cashier. We chatted while she showed me the horny pills. I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out which ones were for both men and women, and finally made my purchase. On the way out I glimpsed some negligees and wished I had the time and money to make those worth the buy.

I met boyfriend at his house and ate dinner with his family, who I adore as usual. When we finally came back to my house, I was excited to try out the pills. A and AW were coming over in three hours, so now would be the time.

Boyfriend, however, wanted to watch Stand By Me. I explained the predicament, but agreed to watch it. When the movie ended, we still had an hour... and boyfriend started watching the extra features. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know. I told him I would call A and tell her we could hang out later. When I got off the phone, having replaced late-night hanging out with a breakfast meeting, boyfriend was dozing. I was annoyed. I woke him up and asked him if he wanted to go to bed, and he said he wanted to go home.

Here we were, the last night he could stay over without parents home, and not only had he forgone the horny pills I had made such an effort (not to mention expense) to go buy, but now he didn't even want to spend the night, and after I had ditched my friends to be with him. I was pretty hurt.

"You said to A that you were tired," Boyfriend said. I was tired, but when you're in the OmGIrlaIdkwIgtsyaaIhwgtbo phase, you are never too tired to be with your boyfriend.

I let him out the door and stayed up another two hours watching TV. I IMed him saying to call me whenever.

I woke up and got ready for my breakfast with A. As I was putting my contacts in, boyfriend called. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for breakfast with A."

Boyfriend sounded disappointed. I didn't invite him. "Why are you calling, I thought you had stuff to do?" I asked, annoyed.

"I do, I just have a couple hours and I wanted to see you. I miss you."

Apparently, the final stage of the visit had kicked in for boyfriend 24 hours after it had for me. He has the worst timing.

Last weekend with boyfriend II: The talk about "us", pt II

Boyfriend didn't want to talk again the next day, so I had some time to think. It was actually really nice to spend time with him even though we hadn't finished the discussion.

He needed me to have no expectations about when he would call me or otherwise contact me. This thought rolled over and over in my mind. Could I handle that? Then I thought of something else he had said. I asked him how often he wanted to call me, and he said "every day, if it's possible." That was comforting.

Our last weekend came, and we still hadn't finished talking. I knew boyfriend wasn't going to bring it up, so finally I did. I said,

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said you need. And I can't live without expectations, but that doesn't mean I need expectations like 'You'll call me every day at x time;' I can have expectations like 'We're going to talk a lot, keep in touch, and maintain a good connection.' So I can have expectations that work with your needs."

Boyfriend looked both unconvinced and frustrated. Why was he so angry already? I had just told him I would give him what he wanted.

"But we should finish talking about what we need from each other." I needed to finish the conversation completely so we wouldn't leave with loose ends and questions in the air. I needed to make sure I would be able to tell him if something wasn't working.

"Well, I don't have anything to say." Boyfriend sat with his arms crossed, not looking at me.

Boyfriend said that he was tired of me always needing to plan things out. He wanted to just "see how things go" and not figure it out beforehand. He was unwilling to continue the conversation. The conversation was essential for me.

How do you get someone to have a serious conversation about your relationship when they are unwilling to talk with you or even listen to you?

"I told you I would meet one of your expectations that's very important to you. This conversation is important to me. I know you don't want to have it, and that really hurts my feelings. But all I'm asking is for you to do this, for me, and then we can stop talking about it."

Boyfriend was unmoved. He said he is tired of talking about our relationship, in spite of the fact that he had committed to a conversation earlier in the summer.

I said it wouldn't be so tiresome if we figured out a way to do it without irritating each other. Furthermore, if we couldn't talk about our relationship, we couldn't have one. Communication is pretty important. Imagine someone telling you that you are not allowed to tell them that they have hurt your feelings. In what world is that fair?

"You don't want to have arguments and talk about our relationship needlessly next year," I said, "I don't either. And what I'm telling you is that if I am happy with the state of our relationship, I will not come to you with problems and we won't have as many arguments."

Again, boyfriend said "I don't want to plan this kind of thing out, I don't know why you always have to plan ahead."

"What happens when you 'see how things go' but you never actually step back and talk about it? We've seen how things went for about two years, and you know what works and doesn't work for you, and I know what works and doesn't work for me. So we have 'seen how things go.' It's time to figure out what things are working and what things to fix."

I tried to frame it in a way he would understand. I tried to put the blame on myself. Boyfriend continued to refuse to offer any advice, but when I started to hold back tears, he got up from his chair and came over to the couch I was sitting on, and he lay down and pulled me down with him and hugged me. He responded to the questions I asked, and seemed to agree that it is important for either of us to bring up problems we are having whenever we want to.


That conversation would have been so much easier if he just let us talk. If he contributed to the conversation. I don't know what I'm going to do if I encounter this problem again, because I think it is unacceptable.

Last weekend with boyfriend II: The talk about "us", pt I

Earlier in the week, boyfriend and I had started talking about our relationship during the coming school year. The conversation was unplanned and started off innocently, but boyfriend very quickly became defensive.

I started out by asking him what he wanted for the coming year. He told me that in order to continue our relationship, he needed me to have no expectations about when he would call me or otherwise contact me. And since I am a woman whose life runs based on various plans, lists, and expectations, I said that was an impossible demand. It sounded like he didn't want to call me at all this year, and wanted me to be okay with that.

The conversation quickly devolved to accusations like "you say that's what you're going to do, but that's not what you did last year". Boyfriend closed down, stopped listening to everything I said, and started using words like "bullshit" and "crap." Hint: When you're trying to strike a compromise, perhaps using a thesaurus for such words would be more appropriate. Keep in mind, there was no disrespect coming from my side. In the last argument we had, he used similarly disrespectful language. I couldn't let this slide.

"I think we need to talk about the words we're using right now," I said as calmly as I could.

"Why?" Boyfriend sounded angry, filling a glass of water at the sink.

"It's hurtful to me, and it's not productive in any way. We need to be respectful towards each other, and I don't feel like you're doing that right now." I was sure my voice was shaking, but also sure that my conviction was merited.

Boyfriend sat back down across from me at the dining room table with his glass of water. "I can stop saying swear words, I can stop saying fuck and shit, and I can candy-coat it for you, but it's still what I'm thinking in my head."

"Well that's not good either, but we should leave hurtful language out of it." Did he not get it? It's not just the swearing; it's the fidgeting, the lack of eye contact, the tone of voice.

And then his parents came home so I pretended that I wasn't just crying while I finished a now-cold bowl of soup that was still in front of me.