Of course there are so many thoughts flying around in my mind that I can't begin to put them all in here. And I've talked to so many people that I feel like I'm repeating myself yet again here.
Boyfriend (I guess he still is, in my head at least) IMed me on Saturday telling me that he was free to talk. We debated for a minute or two over whether to talk on the phone or online, and eventually he called me and solved that quandry. He tried to start out with "How are you doing?" which I thought was thoughtful but selfish. Of course I'm not doing so great; are you calling to listen to me bawl about how amazing you are?
I didn't give him that satisfaction. I asked him what he wanted to do; to talk or not, see each other or not and all that jazz. Of course, he didn't have any answers. He just asked me what I wanted. Of course, I didn't have any answers. And there we were.
I asked him why he decided to end it, and he said it was because he couldn't deal with the distance... not itself, but what it had done to our relationship. That he wasn't able to deal with problems when we are apart, and that he didn't think we would stop having problems.
And of course, he told me that he still wanted to be with me. He still wanted to end up with me, and if I was there he would still want to move in with me... So... he wanted everything I wanted except not.
I asked him if he had ever cheated on me because, thanks to my readers, the idea had been lurking in the paranoid part of my mind. I hadn't ever believed he would, just because I was pretty sure. Sometimes you just feel like you know. He told me he hadn't ever cheated on me, but that when we were broken up for two weeks earlier this year he had kissed a girl.
Then I asked him what he was going to make me for the anniversary. He said he didn't want to tell me because he was almost done with it and he still wanted to give it to me. Of course. He wanted to break up with me and then give me a gift. How clear of him. He kept talking about how he wanted to still give it to me, and I remained silent. When I hadn't responded for a while, he told me: he was recording a CD for me.
A CD? My guess had been a song. "A full CD?" I asked.
"Well, about six songs," he responded.
"Did you write any of them?"
"There are a few covers and a couple that I wrote."
Crap. A beautiful gift. He's not a total asshole. And even worse, I totally understand why he wants to break up. And then the other dilemma. Do we want to see each other over the break?
"I can't hang out with you just as friends; it's too hard," he said. But he said he couldn't decide if he wanted to see me. He sounded like he wanted to.
I told him I had no idea if I should see him, even if I wanted to, just because I didn't know what I wanted.
"I still want to come see you before you get your surgery," he said.
Again, I asked why. He apparently wants to be there for me. Great!
And what about after the break, when we're apart again? Did he want to talk? "Of course, I still want to have some kind of connection and keep in touch and know what's going on in each others' lives."
As friends, or as what? "What would be the difference between us being friends or more?" I asked him. "Would you call me back when I call you, email me back, talk to me?"
"Of course," he said.
So... what exactly was changing? Everything, nothing. We got off the phone with no plan at all. Neither of us has contacted each other yet.
After consulting my wise friend, The Actress, I decided that seeing him over the break might not be an awful idea. Especially since it would give us a chance to decide what to do and see each other in person at least once more. The goal here would not be to get back together, but to see each other after looking forward to it for so long. And it would probably only be a few times, so my plan isn't exactly to regress into spending every waking moment with him.
Every time something like this happens, I understand his point of view so much better and forget why mine was so important. Why couldn't I recognize that we're separate people with busy lives who can have a meaningful relationship without talking all the time? Did I ruin our ability to connect by making certain things such a big deal? And even if I did tell him I was ready to be more relaxed, he probably wouldn't believe me. So... taking at least some time off seems kind of essential. Maybe then something could change.
Of course all of these thoughts sound dangerous... so I'm avoiding making a decision about how to deal with this until we see each other and see how that goes. It's kind of hard to decide to move on or give up when the person you love is so indecisive themselves.