Oh, yeah. I won't be texting you
Things with boyfriend have been going pretty smoothly, other than the occasional sharp twinge of sadness I get from missing him so much.
After such twinges, I keep sending boyfriend little text messages: "I miss you sooo much" or "I want to hold you." Unfortunately, my texts have gone unanswered.
When he calls, I ask him "Did you get my text?" and yes, he did. So I started to get a little irritated, or sad, or both. Why did he stop sending me cute texts all of a sudden? My mind went to all the comments on my blog that have hinted that he's pushing me away and I should stop offering up my heart to be stomped on.
The problem is, even if showing him how it feels were the best thing to do, it's just not who I am. With one of my exes, I did this kind of thing, and when he didn't react or ask me what was wrong, I got even more angry. Finally I realized that I was creating a situation where I needed a certain response, and when I didn't get it I was upset.
Still, whenever I drafted a text to boyfriend, I wondered if I should send it. I then reasoned that I wasn't sending it to get a response, and that I was sure he appreciated the texts. (Just not enough to reply? hmm.) So I would hit send and eye my phone for a few minutes.
On the phone last night, I asked him again: "Did you get my text?"
He thought for a moment, trying to remember. Then, "Oh, yeah! It was cute."
Why didn't he respond? Then I remembered him telling me that his phone bill had been high last month because his minutes had gone over. "Why don't you send more texts? Is it because of your phone bill?" I asked.
"Yeah, I don't want to go over again. I told Loser 1 to stop sending me texts because he sends me so many unnecessary ones."
Aha. "Would you like me to stop sending so many?" I was aware of the cost of text messaging; I had just been ignoring it for a while.
Boyfriend thought for a second. "No, you can send me them still. I like getting them."
"Well..." I realized that given these circumstances it wasn't realistic that I would continue to send him as many, especially when I knew it was costing him money. "I probably won't send as many anyway, because I know I won't get any back. Not that that's why I send them, it's just hard to know if you get them..."
"Yeah. I'm going to get a better text package though, so I can send more texts to you, because I love you!"
Cool. Still, couldn't he have saved me the wondering? "Well I'm glad I know why you weren't responding all of a sudden" I said, hoping to indicate that it would have been nice if you had told me this.
It's a good thing that his reason for texting less is for a reason other than "I don't care about you anymore." But seriously. He couldn't have told me and saved me the trouble of wondering?
posted by myboyfriendiscrazy @ 11:08 AM
12 Comments:
Great point about not wanting to create a situation where you can't win (by treating someone like that and then not getting the reaction you wanted)!
I'm glad to hear things are going better.
You think that's really the reason he doesn't respond? I think you just offered him a way out. C'mon, sending a text message is not expensive, especially when it's to your lover...
Aren't text messages, like, five cents each?
Then again, I don't really think it's a big thing that he didn't tell you why he wasn't responding. Text messages aren't exactly meaningful communication, and he shouldn't have to check in with you like that.
Then again again, this is pretty par for the course for him, isn't it? Leaving you feeling hanging?
Then again again again, what do I know?
more like 10 cents a message...those start accumulating after awhile...check out ur cell's company webpage....I can send mssgs for free to YM and him to me through the web...whoever receives it still has to pay...but if u can get him the webpage of ur company then he has no excuse...i bet he has internet access at work..
if u have cingular
http://www.cingularme.com/do/public/send;jsessionid=aUa_z6CTrIjf
if u have t-mobile
https://wmg.tmomail.net/customer_site/jsp/messaging_lo.jsp?WT.srch=2&Result_Inq=answer&InqSource=TMO
Yeah...with long distance relationships...with all the costs...one has to start getting creative :P
Have you read 'He's just not that into you'? His actions are examples of almost every chapter in the book. I recommend reading it!
I really hope you get the opportunity to be in a relationship where you have more happy worry free days than ones where you have to feel this way for even a minute.
It's tough being in a relationship like this.. and I know we have all been there at one point in our life...holding on the 'what if'... or 'he could be perfect if'... don't hold on to the what ifs or hold out for the excuses that put relief if your mind until the next time he does something that upsets you. He is who he is and it's about realizing that he isn't going to change.. and shouldn't. You choose to date someone for who they are, not what they could be.. if only.
You come across as such a great person and i'm sorry your having to go through this. As cliche as 'there are more fish in the sea' sounds... it really is true. The thing is.. there are better fish. You'll look back on this one day and appreciate all the support and advice from your readers. The truth is, you have to go through it to appreciate it later.
Enjoy the journey and I hope it brings the right guy at the right time for you =)
At one time, one of your commenters said that 'we train people how to treat us' and that person was right on the money.
We do that by our responses, by accepting what we do. It isn't game-playing, it's non-verbal teaching--simple stimulus and response. For example, if he hits you, and you let it go (i.e. act normal), you've communicated to him that hitting you is acceptable behaviour.
So far, you've communicated to him that not answering your e mails won't make the slightest difference in your behaviour. You'll just call anyway. What he's told you is that no matter what you do, he'll respond when he feels like it. This is the variable response ratio that gambling functions on (slot machines, etc.). It's what gets gamblers hooked, because you never know which e mail or phone call is going to get the sweet response. Then all is well for a short time, then he pulls back again and we're back to the no response/stupid explanation behaviour. It's very hard to extinguish the response (your response) too.
You have to pay to receive a text over there? :o
Most men aren't "phone people," I know I'M not. Still, when I was away last week on travel, my girlfriend (who I live with) said it was nice to talk on the phone again. I don't get it, but I understand she likes it.
in spite of being in a long distance you are hogging up his space. stop being such a bitch and relax. is there no understanding between you guys or does he have to spell out everything to you. does he have to tell you that he loves you every five minutes or otherwise you will die. yotr not being cute youre probably turning him off.
becky - thanks
tui - I wouldn't jump to conclusions about his reasoning, but texting gets expensive if you don't have a plan
strange bird - The reason it bothered me is because text messages were one of the only times we communicated with each other. If his behavior suddenly changes, I kind of want to know why.
c'est la vie!! THANK you; they get to be a pain in the ass.
anon - No I haven't, but about 5 million people have recommended it and I plan to. While you may be right, I think some behaviors are different when in long distance relationships.
nancy drew - On the other hand, we can also discourage people from treating us well by treating them poorly (not that this is what you were suggesting necessarily)
caramaena - Unfortunately, yes.
ar-jew-tino - I'm not necessarily a phone person. I'm sick & tired of phone communication, but it's pretty much the only thing we have right now.
anon - Hi, I'm not a bitch. I also didn't nag him; I asked him why his behavior changed and accepted his explanation. When you have no idea why a change happens suddenly, sometimes you try to find out.
You may want to cut off the communication for a while. I did the same thing with my boyfriend (always calling, leaving emails and texts) and he never responded. Let him come to you, if he's interested in you...relationships are 2 way streets and it seems like you are putting much more effort than he is. (I mean, it's not difficult to call you and let you know he got your text)
this blog is truly beginning to make me nauseous, but I can't resist.
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