I'm so over grudges
I kind of forgot that boyfriend still hasn't given me the gift he promised for our anniversary. I asked him one time about it, and then I just forgot. On Sunday night, he left a message on my phone saying "I feel really bad because I haven't said anything about it and you still haven't gotten it - when I got my new computer, I lost the program I was using and I had to get it again and start over."
On the one hand, I feel bad because (though I don't know what it is) he had to start over again. On the other hand, it's been 11 days! I get the impulse to say "just forget it" but I know he's actually working on it, and that would be a horrible thing to say.
On Monday night, he called me when he was driving home from work and we talked for a few minutes before he said "Hey can I call you back in a few minutes?"
"Sure" I said, even though I was going to sleep as soon as I finished filling out my absentee ballot. When I was done and ready for bed, it had been 30 minutes and he still hadn't called back. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. I went to bed, irritated.
He called while I was sleeping and I answered, barely aware of what was going on.
"Hey, I'm sorry about not calling you back, I just forgot."
"Um, okay" I said. In a half-sleep state, I have a lot of trouble pretending that I'm not annoyed.
"Are you mad?"
"I don't know, whatever. What were you doing?" How do you just forget to call someone back for an hour?
"I went to a friend's place to burn a CD and when I came home I left my phone downstairs so I didn't hear you call."
Blah. It didn't really matter why he didn't call, since only a really great excuse like wild tigers would have changed my opinion. He sent me an email that night, since we didn't get much of a chance to talk on the phone. In it, he apologized again for forgetting to call.
Is that enough apologizing? I guess it depends on me. I'd rather not hold a grudge, because those are exhausting and I'm sick of being mad over things like that. It's not like he's forgotten to call me back before.
Although, in his email he did tentatively say he might call me last night before going to a concert, and he didn't do that.
But... I don't know if I really care.
posted by myboyfriendiscrazy @ 10:12 AM
15 Comments:
As far as the gift goes, sounds like he's making a lame excuse. I mean, when you really care about someone, what's better than seeing their eyes light up when you give them a gift...on time (or a day or two late..I'll give him that much)?
I've heard some great excuses in the past..."Oh, I threw your Christmas gift against the wall when I got mad that you didn't call me back on time". And "Oh, the jewelry store lost your bracelet when then sent it to be resized." Uh, yeah.
Grudges are bad, bitterness is worse.
He forgot??
Whatever.
You've made it into a chore for him to call you. He resents it now. You're annoying him. Preoccupy yourself and let him call when he wants to. And when he does call, make it worth it, don't bitch and moan. It's like training a dog. When he calls, make it fun and he'll call more often.
Guys don't get it. When we say we'll call someone right back, we usually do. They take "Can I call you right back" as meaning "Can I call you within the next couple days?" We just view time differently I guess.
I don't think I could forget to call my Boyf back, could you?
I think tui offers good advice if you are just entering a relationship, or the dating scene in general. Don't overcrowd. But you've been in this one a few years. You aren't trying to catch his attention. You are trying to see if this will work long-term. Like for life. Phone calls (even to your SO) aren't always fun or enjoyable. Especially when you are long distance. Just like most other things in a relationship, they take effort - a lot of times when you don't feel like putting it forth (had a rough day, whatever).
I don't mean to make things sound all dark and depressing. Just saying you (and everyone) should be realistic. I think you are making a great attempt at that.
ps. I completely agree with sex & moxie. Totally different time perceptions.
I definitely think he has apologized enough, this specific act isn't a big deal...overall though...it's disrespectful to treat someone this way. He should put you first and not just 'forget' especially if there is a time difference and he knows you need to go to bed before he may be home.
Sometimes I really do forget to call people back, especially important people like my mum and some bfs.
And sometimes I forget on purpose. Because it is rare when I really do forget. Most of the time, I'm avoiding them for a reason.
I agree with Tui though. Get busy with your life and let him come to you for once. I bet he will. And you should promise to call him and then don't, so he knows what it feels like. Sounds like playing games, but really how else would he understand that it bothers you (cuz you've obviously told him a few times).
If you stop calling him, he will call you more and make more of an effort. You make it too easy for him because he knows you WILL follow up, call first, etc. He doesn't have to work hard at all. Let him show you just how interested he is. He can only do that if you give him complete space to do so.
An idea... take all the emotion out of this. Write (or type) what you have with him down on paper. Step back, read it, and then decide.. with emotion aside and what you read in front of you is this realtionship something you would sign up for if given the choice? Would you sign your name on the dotted line at the end of this story? Is this something you REALLY want to be a part of? Sometimes our hearts tend to lead us into things our head wouldn't.. if given the chance.
I know it's tough, and I really do feel for you. You sound like a great person with so much to give someone who is out there waiting to just love you for it.
If he was the one you were meant to be with.. it wouldn't make you feel so bad =( You deserve butterfly feelings and ear to ear grinning.
sounds as though you are becoming used to, and unimpressed by being treated poorly. I'm not sure that is good or bad.
tui has the right idea - stop waiting. Start living - you sound like a great person that shouldn't be waiting around for anyone!
If you really do find that you're caring less and less about whether or not you talk to him, etc., that may be a sign that this relationship is really on the way out...
s* - He's never been great with deadlines. I'm sure he's not lying, but I'm still not too impressed.
strange bird - I know
tui - I haven't forced him to call me, he didn't even "agree" to call me. I don't think he resents it at this point. It's too stressful to always make it fun for him to talk to me; I'm not always in the best mood. No one is, that's too much pressure.
sex & moxie - I don't think that's what he was thinking, especially since he acknowledged that he had forgotten rather than saying "I was planning to call you later"
lilac stripe - It depends on what else was going on, but usually no.
becky - Thanks, I'm trying to be realistic and that's why even though it was annoying, I didn't get too angry about the mistake.
anon - If it happened all the time, I would definitely be more angry. Glad you agree.
wanderlusting - Oh c'mon, that's totally playing games. And it's investing far too much energy into "showing him" when I don't have the time for it. My life is already busy, I promise I'm not waiting by the phone for him to call.
bluelovergirl - I usually do wait for him to call; I am rarely the one to call first. It's not a test really, I just don't like calling and not getting ahold of him, and since I don't know his schedule I can never tell when that will be.
anon - I'll do that after I see him in the winter, when we've had a chance to talk. It's harder to evaluate a relationship that's long distance, I think.
wendy - I don't think he is treating me badly, I think (in this case) he is forgetful. I'm not sure what to make of my unimpressed-ness either.
m - I'm not waiting around, my life is very full I promise.
anon - Or that I'm incredibly busy, or that I've learned to chill out when he forgets things. Or you could be right. We shall see...
MBIC, C'mon! You know that bluelovergirl and wanderlusting are right! The chorus on this blog is deafening!!
But each of us takes things in our own time....
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