The aftermath - Saturday & Sunday
The following posts will catch you up to this one:
Breaking the news
Aftermath: Thursday & Friday
I woke up and was immediately upset, but I had to go to work. After work, I came home to an email from boyfriend (a reply to my previous email). It read,
"i miss you so much too. i feel horrible [MBIC]...i know i blindsided you with all this and i feel like shit because of it...i'm so sorry that i hurt you. i just don't want you to feel self conscious or feel like it was anything that you did that made me do this. this summer has been so amazing and i am so in love with you... i have been feeling so confused lately. like i'm having doubts even though i'm sure that i should do this at least for a little while. but even the past 2 days since i brought this up have made me reflect on how i do take you for granted (as much as i try not to). i love you so much and it's so hard to picture my life without you, which is why i really hope we can either still have a relationship that's more open, or at least have a friendship. one thing i'm pretty confident of is that I don't want this separation to last forever. I want to be back with you. i want to be committed to you. maybe this will make it easier down the road, i'll know how much i love you and how much i miss you and need you in my life. because i know that right now. i need you in my life, [MBIC]. which is why i really want to stay in touch. and i guarantee you if you come back in october i will be here for you for whatever you want to do. i love you so much. [boyfriend] ps: i'm online on campus, still don't have internet in the house yet. i should get the modem soon. i really wanted to email you though. call me whenever you want."
I didn't reply to the email. He didn't call and he didn't text that night.
I woke up and was sad, again. I realized as I checked my email that this is what would happen if I continued talking to him. I would be disappointed every time he didn't call or email. I couldn't deal with constantly being disappointed. But I still wasn't ready to stop talking to him, or to change his ringtone, or to change my relationship status on my internet profiles.
My housemate came up to my room and we talked about the situation, and she convinced me that it would be a good idea to stop talking to him. "You'll never be ready to stop talking to him. You have to just do it." Good point. I texted this to boyfriend, who seemed very upset. "Can I still email you?" He asked. I told him no and explained my rationale.
When our exchange was over, I felt horrible. An hour later I felt even worse, so I texted him again:
"I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do."
He responded right away: "Maybe we should keep talking then"
"I don't know, I feel like I'm fooling myself"
"I'm still the same person [MBIC]. You can always talk to me."
"Doesn't make it better. I want you to be mine & I can't have that."
"Well I'm here if you need me"
I didn't know what to say to that. He sounded like he was telling me he was there for me as a friend.
I went out to dinner with my housemate and when I got back, boyfriend was online. I wasn't sure if I should talk to him, but I messaged him to find out if I was up to the task. He had found a faint wireless connection and had been hoping to see me online. We talked for a long time about what was going on with us. I told him how upset I'd been lately, and he told me the same. I was a little shocked at how upset he had been - apparently he had been crying his eyes out with guilt and fear of losing me, and almost changed his mind several times.
But we both agreed that if he decides he wants to return to an exclusive relationship, he should be doing it for the right reasons.
After our conversation, I felt oddly happy. Nothing had fundamentally changed, but I had been reminded that he still loves me and that I am important to him. I may not be sure about what my course of action should be, but at least I felt like I had more control over my decision.
I loosely decided to continue talking to him until I figure out what I need to do - if not talking to him caused more trouble than talking, it was worth it for the time being.