The aftermath - Saturday & Sunday
The following posts will catch you up to this one:
Open relationship
Breaking the news
Aftermath: Thursday & Friday
Saturday
I woke up and was immediately upset, but I had to go to work. After work, I came home to an email from boyfriend (a reply to my previous email). It read,
"i miss you so much too. i feel horrible [MBIC]...i know i blindsided you with all this and i feel like shit because of it...i'm so sorry that i hurt you. i just don't want you to feel self conscious or feel like it was anything that you did that made me do this. this summer has been so amazing and i am so in love with you... i have been feeling so confused lately. like i'm having doubts even though i'm sure that i should do this at least for a little while. but even the past 2 days since i brought this up have made me reflect on how i do take you for granted (as much as i try not to). i love you so much and it's so hard to picture my life without you, which is why i really hope we can either still have a relationship that's more open, or at least have a friendship. one thing i'm pretty confident of is that I don't want this separation to last forever. I want to be back with you. i want to be committed to you. maybe this will make it easier down the road, i'll know how much i love you and how much i miss you and need you in my life. because i know that right now. i need you in my life, [MBIC]. which is why i really want to stay in touch. and i guarantee you if you come back in october i will be here for you for whatever you want to do. i love you so much. [boyfriend] ps: i'm online on campus, still don't have internet in the house yet. i should get the modem soon. i really wanted to email you though. call me whenever you want."
I didn't reply to the email. He didn't call and he didn't text that night.
Sunday
I woke up and was sad, again. I realized as I checked my email that this is what would happen if I continued talking to him. I would be disappointed every time he didn't call or email. I couldn't deal with constantly being disappointed. But I still wasn't ready to stop talking to him, or to change his ringtone, or to change my relationship status on my internet profiles.
My housemate came up to my room and we talked about the situation, and she convinced me that it would be a good idea to stop talking to him. "You'll never be ready to stop talking to him. You have to just do it." Good point. I texted this to boyfriend, who seemed very upset. "Can I still email you?" He asked. I told him no and explained my rationale.
When our exchange was over, I felt horrible. An hour later I felt even worse, so I texted him again:
"I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know what to do."
He responded right away: "Maybe we should keep talking then"
"I don't know, I feel like I'm fooling myself"
"I'm still the same person [MBIC]. You can always talk to me."
"Doesn't make it better. I want you to be mine & I can't have that."
"Well I'm here if you need me"
I didn't know what to say to that. He sounded like he was telling me he was there for me as a friend.
I went out to dinner with my housemate and when I got back, boyfriend was online. I wasn't sure if I should talk to him, but I messaged him to find out if I was up to the task. He had found a faint wireless connection and had been hoping to see me online. We talked for a long time about what was going on with us. I told him how upset I'd been lately, and he told me the same. I was a little shocked at how upset he had been - apparently he had been crying his eyes out with guilt and fear of losing me, and almost changed his mind several times.
But we both agreed that if he decides he wants to return to an exclusive relationship, he should be doing it for the right reasons.
After our conversation, I felt oddly happy. Nothing had fundamentally changed, but I had been reminded that he still loves me and that I am important to him. I may not be sure about what my course of action should be, but at least I felt like I had more control over my decision.
I loosely decided to continue talking to him until I figure out what I need to do - if not talking to him caused more trouble than talking, it was worth it for the time being.
posted by myboyfriendiscrazy @ 10:23 PM
9 Comments:
Oh dear. MBIC - more hugs for you for going through this difficult time. I know you are sad. Losing love is the hardest thing we ever have to go through. And the sad part of life is that almost everyone has to go through it.
But at the same time, I think you yourself know that you need someone who will treat you better than this. i know its hard not to stay with someone, even if they are being a jerk, just because you love them so much.
But ARHG! I just want to smack him. He "Guarantees" you'll be together when you come back? He loves you so much and yet is willing to sacrifice you to (possibly) another guy??
As everyone will tell you (and me too since Ive been in a long distance relationshoip), it is hard. But how hard is it to keep your dick in your pants and stay committed to the one person you say you are so in love with????
Not that hard, if you want it.
It's bullshit. It all makes me so angry, especially that email, because I've been there and bought into it. However, I'm glad you are feeling happy that he loves you still, and of course he still does. But from what im getting its just as a friend. And maybe down the road that can work, but for now you need someone who is going to love you all the way
PS I agree that one of the worst things about breaking up is all the things that have to change
Me again...just wanted to note that I'm not saying he's a bad guy at all. A jerk for doing it this way, but not a bad guy. Otherwise you wouldn't love him.
I believe he is, beyong confused, genuinely hurting for doing this to you and that the guilt he must feel is horrendous. He is just a scared, scared boy who just isn't ready for any of this, for love, a real relationship and what it all means.
It's too bad in these situations, that both parties get hurt. The only difference is, one person has the power to stop it. And the other doesn't.
I heard so many of these same lines!! It's amazing. 3 times he broke up with me (or just requested that we see other people or an open relationship). I finally figured out that he was cheating on me the whole time we were together. Occasionally there was a girl who wouldn't give him the time of day because he had a girlfriend. He would break up with me and go after her. When she still wouldn't give in to him, he would call me and tell me that he loved me and was so stupid for putting me through this and missed me...blah, blah, blah... I see the signs so clearly now. Back then it was really hard. I have no doubt in my mind that he loved me; he was just very immature and NOT ready for a committed relationship. We were very young. I still (13 years later) hear from mutual friends that he asks about me and tells them that he's never been able to fall in love with anyone else. It's sad really.
I agree with wanderlusting...you deserve better. Not to say he's not a great guy, but you need someone who isn't going to put you through this. One minute he wants you and wants to be with you, and the next he wants an open relationship and to not have any strings tying him down. You can't have both. I think that you need to be the one to cut this loose. Even if you get back together later (which isn't out of the question, obviously), I think you made the point yourself that it is hard to truly have an "open" relationship when you are in love with someone. You don't WANT it to be open, so therefore you close yourself off to other possibilities.
But, all that said, none of us can be the ones to make the decision for you. It has to be what you want.
Good luck!
Agree with both of these folks and have been through this with my first bf. Idiot me, I let the same guy (first bf) do this to me from 1968 through to 2004. We got together no less than 4 times. Found out that he cheated on me every time.
Did I believe it? Nope. Dropped friends who didn't like him, sacrificed years of my life to that idiot. But it was something I had to go through.
He lived 383 miles from me too, it wasn't an easy commute. And the phone bills!!! The first one was over $500. I got this computer (the one I'm using right now) so that I could 'talk' to him.
Oh well, that's life. The hardest thing I ever did was 'walk' away from him. Had to learn, the hard way, what the difference was between a 'habit' and love. It's impossible to know until, like your friend said. You have to make the break. If it's really love, the connection will still be there no matter what you do, how long you're separated or how many people you date in between. Trust me on this one.
Wanderlusting (and I bet your dad) got it right. He's too young and fickle. It's easy to love someone when they're right there in front of you. The real test is when they're not around. That 'as a friend' bit would have been a knife through my heart if I'd been in your shoes. But it sounds as if all the ups and downs that you've been through are helping you distance yourself a bit and are making you wiser. That is what finally did it for me and my first bf. All the hurting, cheating and insults that he did to me finally woke me up.
There's much better out there--much better for you, I mean. All you have to do is be ready for it. One day you will be, and that guy will find you. Then the whole thing will be settled, and it won't matter where whatshisface is, even if (sorry to say this) you're married to him or not.
I really do believe that if you're not meant to be with someone, it won't last and you can't force fit it. I tried that too.
On the other hand, if you ARE meant to be with someone, nothing on earth is going to get in the way of that either. It's a very very powerful force. I know it's shocking to say that but...
I've seen these lines too, unfortunately, with my first "real" love.
Looking back, I wish I knew what I did now, and I think every woman who has been through this wishes we could magically give you the hindsight we all posess now.
However, every situation is different, and I don't know him and the best could still happen for you.
Hope it does.
There are a lot of fish in the sea.
RULE #1:
Never let ANYONE treat you like crap.
There is only one rule.
Just caught up.. .... my lord.
I'm sorry that this is causing you so much pain. I can't say I understand because i'm not in your situation, but I certainly feel for ya.
Hope to stay more up to date and maybe give some helpful hints on how to cope.
Love the blog. love your honesty. *hugs*
and yes, for the moment, you need to take care of yourself and not talk to him. In the long run, things will work themselves out. and yes, not talking to him will hurt like shit and be extrememly hard, but I truly believe you need to push through that so you guys can move on. ....together or seperate.
good luck. i'm pullin' for ya
wanderlusting - Thank you so much for commenting on all my entries. I really appreciate all your support :)
anon - That's awful... I truly don't think that's what he's doing, but I promise I'll do my best to avoid something like that. And ouch for you :( But glad you moved on
becky - I know, it all makes sense. It takes time though, and I think I can slowly rip the band-aid off if it helps me more than tearing it off quickly
nancy drew - Don't worry, I don't think I'd be able to put up with a decade of this. And I deserve someone who wants the relationship as much as I do, but his situation is complicated too. And we're pretty young to have a force like that where "nothing can stop you"... it can get scary at my age
pomponcrystal - Yes, looking back makes it easy :) I had another "love" and have perspective on that. I want to handle this one, which I think is really something special, with delicacy. And I don't know what that means, so it might be hard...
peter matthes - Ah yes, the rule. I don't think I'm being treated like crap; I do think it's a crappy situation. I agree with your comment though.
needtsza - Where have you been, I missed you!! Thanks for catching up. I'm just taking some time before making a definitive decision about what to do. Remember, he's the crazy one; not me.
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