Friday, December 22, 2006

The new blog has arrived!

As much as I am sick of telling people the details of the breakup, I did it for you. It's the last post.

My new blog (!) is:

The Accidental Bitch ~ http://theaccidentalbitch.blogspot.com

I would be honored if you read it. I would also be honored if those who link to me changed their link (or added this new one).

This blog has been solely about my relationship - the new one is about all of me. Scary.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Details on the breakup

I kept promising "boyfriend" I would email him what I wanted over the break. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted him to just change his mind.

I took a nap on Sunday and dreamt that "boyfriend" dumped me through one of my best friends and told me he didn't want me to come visit him... ever. And then showed up and flirted with other girls in front of me. I woke up feeling sick and when I looked at my phone saw that he had called while I was asleep. I texted him: "I just had a bad dream about you." He wrote back "What happened?" I briefly explained, and then he called me. He said he would call me at 10 when he got off work, and I promised to send an email to him so he could read it before he called.

I drafted the, then called my dad because I had no idea if the email made sense. It basically said that I wanted him to change his mind and we could work something out, and if he wasn't going to change his mind I wasn't willing to be his sort-of girlfriend for a month before I returned to school. I read the email to him over the phone and waited for his response, which was that I wasn't acknowledging the choice he had already made: to break up.

When I got off the phone, I realized that this was true: I was acting as though he had said "I'm going to think about breaking up with you." Why wasn't I taking him seriously? Maybe because of the fact that he continued to send me texts that said "I miss you" and told me "I love you" and "I still want to be with you." Maybe because he kept telling me that he wanted to see me for Christmas and give me the 3 year anniversary present and visit me for when I get my surgery. I mean, is that something that an ex does if they really want to break up?

Well, even if he couldn't decide what he wanted, that wouldn't be good enough for me. I wanted someone who was sure they wanted to be with me. And if they didn't, they should back the fuck off. How selfish is it to break up with somebody and then say "I still want to be with you?" I'm going to say VERY.

My internet wasn't working, so I texted him to tell him that we could just talk on the phone. When he called, he wasn't sure how to start the conversation, so I did.

"I just want to know what you want for after the break."

"I want to be open to anything, and have a relationship that's low maintenance. Like, if we don't talk every day it would be fine."

I was puzzled. Had he broken up with me because he thought I was stubborn and didn't want to work on anything? "I'd be willing to work out a way for us to be together and have both of us be happy," I offered. "As long as we don't see other people I'm open to anything."

Apparently that was the one thing he wanted to change. He wanted us to be able to date other people, which is what he had meant by "open to anything." (so... not new sex positions)

"Well then I guess I can't be with you," I responded. "In any capacity."

I told him I wouldn't date him over the break (that's confusing), I wouldn't be a "sort of" girlfriend. I told him I wouldn't wait for a year and a half to be with him, if that's what he thought was going to happen.

"No," he said, "I don't expect you to. I wouldn't wait for you either."

Whoa. I know it's probably true, but did I ask him to wait for me? No. Did he break up with me? Yes. So why did he feel it necessary to throw that at me? Not cool.

"Um, okay" I responded. We then agreed to see each other once while I'm in town, to say goodbye.

"I feel bad that I can't come see you for Christmas" he confessed at one point.

"Why?" I asked, very annoyed. He breaks up with me and then feels guilty for not spending time with me?

"You said it would mean a lot to you," he said.

Ah, yes. I had said that while I was drunk on the phone with him after he offered to come see me. Back when I thought he was going to change his mind.

"It's okay" I told him.

"I just have work on Christmas Eve until 5pm and then family stuff. I have two families." He clearly felt the need to make excuses.

"So do I," I reminded him. "And I spent Christmas with you two years."

"Yeah, well I came to visit you at your dad's for Thanksgiving in North Carolina that one time," he countered.

"Once!" I responded angrily. "And I spent $380 on a flight to come see you for our 3 year anniversary!"

Sounding disgusted, he replied "Let's not turn this into a contest over who has spent more time and money on the other."

Yeah, because you'll lose, I thought. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all of that."

He accepted my apology (sort of) without offering his own, and then we got on to particulars. "I come home the 28th and the 30th. My mom's birthday is the 28th."

"Okay, so I'll see you on the 30th then." I wanted to get off the phone with him.

He seemed confused by this, as though he was considering spending time with me on his mom's birthday. And then: "Do you still want me to come down for your surgery on the 5th?"

Seriously? "I don't know," I said, "if you want to come you can, but I'm not asking you to."

"Okay, good. I'm going to come then," he said. Maybe he would feel like he had broken up with me less if he showed me he still cared about me in some way. Or maybe he really still cares about me and doesn't realize what it means to be an ex boyfriend.

We both realized we had nothing much to talk about. "Until the 30th," I asked, "do you want to talk, or what?" I asked.

"I don't know," he responded irritably, "I don't have all the answers. This is as new to me as it is to you."

What the fuck ever, I thought. I was just asking him what he wanted. You know, to be considerate? We said a few things and then when we were about to get off the phone, he said nervously "So do you want to talk at all before the 30th?"

Seriously? Didn't you just yell at me for asking you the same question? "I don't know," I said quickly, "you can call me or email if you want and I'll do the same if I want." I already knew that I wouldn't be doing it.

"Is there anything else you want to say?" He asked.

"I guess not, you?"

"No."

"Wait," I said right before we hung up. "I want to make sure that a few things are clear." Even though I thought I had covered it, I didn't want to take any chances. "I can't have you doing things that are confusing. We can't be together during the break because it's confusing. We can't kiss or anything like that because it's confusing." I started to tear up at this point. "And, hearing you say sweet things is beautiful and all, but it really ruins my life so you can't do that anymore."

"Like what?" He asked.

"Things like 'I love you,' 'I miss you,'" I tried to think of more to add, things that he would text me all the time. " 'you're pretty,'" I realized how easily I could cross the line into things like "Bruce misses you."

But he cut me off after 'you're pretty.' "I get it," he said, sounding pissed off. I hadn't even said anything out of line!

We got off the phone and I tried to hold back tears while AW (who was visiting and had been watching a movie during our phone call) walked over to give me a hug. She pulled out a bottle of apple cider and I bitched for a while.

"Boyfriend" didn't email or text or call for a while. I wasn't torn to pieces like I had been in October when he asked for an open relationship. That one had surprised me. This one, I was ready for and agreed with. He didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated, he wanted other things, and I wasn't okay with that. I was glad he had helped me see it so much more clearly than when we were together, when he insisted that his feelings for me grew deeper every day and he would love me forever even when it was a lie.

On Wednesday, I was at my computer creating my new blog when I got an IM from him. I considered ignoring it but didn't. He told me what was going on with him, (Loser 1 kicking Loser 2 out of their house, etc) and I responded minimally. Then he said:

"...sorry...i just needed to get this stuff off my chest, and i know things aren't going well with us, but i still feel like i can talk to you, and i want to"


It came out of the blue and I was nowhere near expecting it. "Things aren't going well with us"? That's what you say when you're in a fight. Things are over with us, I corrected. In my head. I wrote simply

"understandable"


Then he said he had to go and that he would talk to me soon.

The more I thought about his little apology, the more angry I got. You can't break up with someone and then go to them to tell all your problems. I'm not a shoulder to lean on when it's convenient while you go fuck other people. Just because you're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't mean that you can act like you're my boyfriend when it suits you.

At least I know what's what now and I've got some clarity. Time for my new blog!

Monday, December 18, 2006

New blog update

Update:

The new blog is going to be named Men Are Crazy.

However, the acronym MAC... well, it reminds me of this old lady at the retirement home I worked in, and all I can think of is how much I hated her. And don't want to be an old lady.

As soon as I stop thinking about her, I start thinking things like "MAC daddy. But I'm a girl, so... MAC mamma? That's awful. I'm not anybody's mamma, under any circumstances. Unless I had a kitten!"

Then: "MAC = apple computers. I am NOT an apple computer."

I think everyone understands. Also, I don't want to define my name by men (see where it got me in the past?). Although... this wouldn't be a specific man like before. So.. basically I can't decide, and without a name, how can I start a new blog?

Any advice appreciated.

Seriously though, it's over

Quick update:

"Boyfriend" and I are broken up - for reals. I'll post more details soon, but I'm serious. So serious that I'm starting a new blog. I'll post more info when I have it! :)

Monday, December 11, 2006

Steps forward...ish?

Of course there are so many thoughts flying around in my mind that I can't begin to put them all in here. And I've talked to so many people that I feel like I'm repeating myself yet again here.

Boyfriend (I guess he still is, in my head at least) IMed me on Saturday telling me that he was free to talk. We debated for a minute or two over whether to talk on the phone or online, and eventually he called me and solved that quandry. He tried to start out with "How are you doing?" which I thought was thoughtful but selfish. Of course I'm not doing so great; are you calling to listen to me bawl about how amazing you are?

I didn't give him that satisfaction. I asked him what he wanted to do; to talk or not, see each other or not and all that jazz. Of course, he didn't have any answers. He just asked me what I wanted. Of course, I didn't have any answers. And there we were.

I asked him why he decided to end it, and he said it was because he couldn't deal with the distance... not itself, but what it had done to our relationship. That he wasn't able to deal with problems when we are apart, and that he didn't think we would stop having problems.

And of course, he told me that he still wanted to be with me. He still wanted to end up with me, and if I was there he would still want to move in with me... So... he wanted everything I wanted except not.

I asked him if he had ever cheated on me because, thanks to my readers, the idea had been lurking in the paranoid part of my mind. I hadn't ever believed he would, just because I was pretty sure. Sometimes you just feel like you know. He told me he hadn't ever cheated on me, but that when we were broken up for two weeks earlier this year he had kissed a girl.

Then I asked him what he was going to make me for the anniversary. He said he didn't want to tell me because he was almost done with it and he still wanted to give it to me. Of course. He wanted to break up with me and then give me a gift. How clear of him. He kept talking about how he wanted to still give it to me, and I remained silent. When I hadn't responded for a while, he told me: he was recording a CD for me.

A CD? My guess had been a song. "A full CD?" I asked.

"Well, about six songs," he responded.

"Did you write any of them?"

"There are a few covers and a couple that I wrote."

Crap. A beautiful gift. He's not a total asshole. And even worse, I totally understand why he wants to break up. And then the other dilemma. Do we want to see each other over the break?

"I can't hang out with you just as friends; it's too hard," he said. But he said he couldn't decide if he wanted to see me. He sounded like he wanted to.

I told him I had no idea if I should see him, even if I wanted to, just because I didn't know what I wanted.

"I still want to come see you before you get your surgery," he said.

Again, I asked why. He apparently wants to be there for me. Great!

And what about after the break, when we're apart again? Did he want to talk? "Of course, I still want to have some kind of connection and keep in touch and know what's going on in each others' lives."

As friends, or as what? "What would be the difference between us being friends or more?" I asked him. "Would you call me back when I call you, email me back, talk to me?"

"Of course," he said.

So... what exactly was changing? Everything, nothing. We got off the phone with no plan at all. Neither of us has contacted each other yet.

After consulting my wise friend, The Actress, I decided that seeing him over the break might not be an awful idea. Especially since it would give us a chance to decide what to do and see each other in person at least once more. The goal here would not be to get back together, but to see each other after looking forward to it for so long. And it would probably only be a few times, so my plan isn't exactly to regress into spending every waking moment with him.

Every time something like this happens, I understand his point of view so much better and forget why mine was so important. Why couldn't I recognize that we're separate people with busy lives who can have a meaningful relationship without talking all the time? Did I ruin our ability to connect by making certain things such a big deal? And even if I did tell him I was ready to be more relaxed, he probably wouldn't believe me. So... taking at least some time off seems kind of essential. Maybe then something could change.

Of course all of these thoughts sound dangerous... so I'm avoiding making a decision about how to deal with this until we see each other and see how that goes. It's kind of hard to decide to move on or give up when the person you love is so indecisive themselves.

Friday, December 08, 2006

You can't text-message breakup

The day after boyfriend revealed that he wasn't all that interested in maintaining a connection with me, he tried calling me but I was in the library so I didn't pick up. His message just said "Call me back, love you bye." I called him and he didn't answer so I left him a message, just saying I was calling him back.

The next day, I received a text from him:
"Hey baby sorry I didn't call back I went to be early last night. Love you"

After he's made such a huge deal about me chilling out when he forgets to call or waits a long time to talk to me, I was surprised and frustrated by his attentiveness. Why did he always become so attentive only when something was wrong? I wasn't being fooled. I also wasn't sure what I wanted to do still, so I decided not to talk to him until I had cleared my thoughts.

When he called me that night, I had fallen asleep and didn't get his message until the next morning. In it, he again asked that I call him back. When I looked at my computer, I saw that he had instant messaged me saying "Are you there?" Jeez, he was being persistent. What was the deal?

In the middle of class today, I got another text from him. It read: "MBIC can you at least text me so I know you're ok?"

I wasn't sure what to tell him. Was I okay? He probably meant physically, but I honestly wasn't all that okay in general. I wanted to tell him this but wasn't sure what I wanted to come from any conversation I had with him. I decided to wait until I could figure out what to tell him.

After class, I hung out with friends for a bit, then went home and called my dad. In the middle of our conversation, L called me and told me that boyfriend had texted her to ask if I was okay. She had told him that I was. I was frustrated because I had been obsessing about my answer to him for a while. He had also had Loser 1 text me. When I got off the phone with my dad, I saw that I had three texts. One of them was from boyfriend. It read: "Well that's it MBIC. Didn't want to end it like this after 3 years. I can't deal with this anymore."

I was confused. Was this him breaking up with me, or did he still want to talk? I responded: "I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about what we talked about & I don't know what to say because I'm still upset about it & don't have a lot of time to think right now."

Him: "I don't think this is going to work. At least not now."

What did at least not now mean? I needed more information. Did he expect us to see each other during the break still? Did he want to "keep in touch," or stop talking?

I wrote: "Do you want to talk at all?"

Him: "Not today.. Work all day"

Okay... I asked if he wanted to talk at all, not today. I wrote "Okay but do you want to talk at all?"

Him: "Sure"

Me: "When would you like to talk?"

Him: "I don't know MBIC I don't have a lot of time to talk for 3 hours with work and finals on Tuesday. Next week I guess. I don't really feel like talking now anyway."

I wasn't sure we would need three hours, but I couldn't force him to talk to me. It was frustrating that he was avoiding me, though.

I wrote: "I just want to know what you want to do. When you said sure, I took that to mean yes.. I'm not trying to force you, just let me know if you want to or not"

Him: "I don't want to be together right now and I feel like I owe you an explanation. I wouldn't just stop talking to you. That's not right. I'm sure you know that."

I was surprised by this. He sounded like he was avoiding me, but pulled the "I'm a gentleman" card? Interesting... and painful. At this point, I didn't know that. I replied: "Well I'd like to talk too, it's just not my place to force you. I didn't mean to worry you, I'm sorry about that."

Him: "I don't have a lot to say."

Okay? What did that mean? And if he didn't have a lot to say, why did he foresee the conversation lasting three hours? "What do you mean?"

Him: "I don't have a lot to talk about. I'll listen to you but I've made up my mind."

What the hell?!! Did he expect me to beg him to change his mind? No fucking way. He sounded so full of himself. My only regret was that he wasn't begging me for forgiveness over how crappily he was treating me. "I'm not going to try to change your mind, just let me know if/when you'd like to talk" I wrote.

Him: "K"

A few minutes later, he wrote: "Would you want to talk in person on Friday?"

Wait a whole week? On the one hand, that was a long time to wait. On the other, it would be nice to have a meaningful conversation in person for once. I wouldn't be getting in until 10pm though, and it would be kind of crappy of me to get home with my parents to leave and have a breakup conversation. But I wasn't sure what I wanted and I didn't want to think about it. "Sure" I told him.

Him: "Ok"


I sort of thought we would break up, I just thought it would be over the break. I'm kind of pissed that my decision was taken away from me because he decided first, but it's also relieving in a sense.

Still... it sucks.

Oh. And...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The worst gift. Ever.

Okay, so. I was still digesting boyfriend telling me that it doesn't matter to him if we don't have a connection when I went to the post office to pick up the "in-the-meantime" gift he had sent me. I saw the small package the mailroom person retrieved and for a fleeting moment thought it might be something really great, like a necklace.

It was a USB Flash Drive.

Seriously.

There was also a note, written on lined paper that had been ripped from a notebook. It read:

"Hey baby!

I got my new computer working so I'm still going to do my first idea for an anniversary gift, so I'll give you that when you come home. But this is something I'm sure you can use and I wanted to give you something now.

I love you SO much and can't wait to see you! MWA!
Love Boyfriend"

I thought it might be something really really awful, but I could never have dreamed up a worse gift. A flash drive? I had considered getting one once, and then decided against it because I thought "I would never use that."

And I don't want to make a decision too hastily, when I'm seriously emotional and pissed off. But the problem is pretty clear: he doesn't care about what happens to our relationship when we're apart. That's pretty much unforgivable.

The options I'm considering are 1) to say something before I come back, to the effect of "this is bullshit and if it doesn't change, we're over", or 2) to ignore him until I either calm down or come home. I mean... that shouldn't be a problem on his end, since he doesn't care if he talks to me.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You said "space," not "no relationship"

So, after yet another disappointment I wasn't too thrilled. This was one of the first times that boyfriend had blatantly not emailed when he said he would, something that he had explicitly agreed with me on. Not only did he neglect to email me that night, he didn't email me the following day. Or call. Or text. I really hated how much control he had over my mood by way of simply doing nothing.

That night as I was going to sleep, I decided to text him. I wrote "I hope you're okay but I'm really disappointed & upset." After all, the last time we had talked, he could tell there was something wrong with me. What if my parents had died? He didn't know.

I read the text he had sent during my sleep yesterday morning: "I'm sorry I didn't email you. I was up till 2am waiting for AAA to jump my car and I had a really shitty night."

I was not about to forgive him, because this just confirmed my feelings from the day before: that I was losing my best friend. Here my "best friend" had an awful day and he didn't want to tell me about it? This was not how our relationship used to be. Furthermore, he could easily have texted me or called me sometime - ANYTIME - the following day.

When he called me last night, I didn't pick up. I was watching Boston Legal and had a friend over. I tried calling back when I sat down to finish my homework, intending to get off the phone quickly because I had a lot to do. He didn't answer but texted me to let me know he was studying on campus and would call me in about half an hour. I contemplated not picking up, but decided to just deal with it.

When he did call, I gave him abrupt answers to questions and made it clear that I was not okay. If I pretended to be fine, it would just make it worse for me. He finally asked "are you still mad at me about the email?"

I explained that I was. I also clarified: not just the email, but the following day as well. I said that it would have been nice to know how he was doing, to know that he'd had a crappy day. He said that he didn't feel like telling me how he was when I wouldn't tell him what had been troubling me the night before.

"I don't think you want to talk about it, that's why I didn't tell you what was going on."

"That's all I want to talk about," he said.

"I don't think so," I insisted. "It's about you."

He said he still wanted to talk about it. Given the green light, I explained how I felt: that he was no longer my best friend, that we were disconnected, and that it wasn't okay with me.

He told me, to my chagrin (but not surprise), that losing touch was okay with him. He separated his life from his relationship with me (I'm not a part of his life) and said that he doesn't mind losing our connection. "We always get it back when we see each other."

"How is that a relationship?" I asked.

"I don't know, it just is." He explained that he was waiting until we could really be together, that he needed space to "do his own thing" and "live life" but that he wasn't interested in dating anybody else. I clarified again that not being connected meant you were not in a relationship.

"How can you wait a year and a half to have a real relationship with me? I mean... I know I'm way cool and all, but not that cool."

"I know I want to be with you when we can, as more of a permanent thing."

Awkward. Sweet... but I can't wait a year and a half for a relationship while claiming that we're in one, while we ignore each other. After discussing for a few more minutes, I basically told him that if we didn't "get on the same page" about our relationship over the break, then I wouldn't be able to do it.

Then, without any transition at all: "So how have you been the last few days?"

A lovely conversation followed in which we actually told each other the details of our lives.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Missing: Best friend

On Saturday night, boyfriend and I talked for a couple minutes as I was going to bed.

"I work from 1 to 7 tomorrow" He said. "I'll call you sometime."

I quickly did the math. "By the time you get out of work, I'll be in work. I'll be free before you work though," I informed him.

"Okay, I'll talk to you then."


Sunday, about 12:45 his time, I saw him online and IMed him. I hadn't realized what time it was until he said "I have to go to work" after a few minutes. I was slightly annoyed, but not angry.

I got angry when he tried calling me after he got out of work. We're all forgetful, I know. But seriously? I thought about texting him where I was, but couldn't bring myself to yell at him and couldn't send him a neutral text either. So I sent nothing.

As I was getting ready for bed, I listened to his message. I considered just going to bed without calling him back, but decided that I had no right to complain when he doesn't reciprocate if I didn't either. I called and left a message when I got his voicemail. Just a simple "Hi I was at work" (like I said I would be) "and I'm returning your call."

I lay in bed trying to go to sleep, surprised that I wasn't more angry. There was a time when this might have bothered me much more, I thought. In a way, it was nice that I didn't stress about it too much. And then something occurred to me: boyfriend, who had been my best friend for so long, no longer felt like my best friend. And, upon further reflection, I decided that this was not okay with me. I could barely believe how much "work" it felt like to share my life with him, when it had never felt this way before. I didn't want to lose him as a best friend, but was it possible to reverse the process? Not by myself...

In the middle of these thoughts, my phone rang. I answered glumly and after a few seconds, boyfriend asked with concern: "Is everything okay?"

Instead of lying, I evaded the question. However, boyfriend was used to this. He persisted. "What's wrong?"

I vaguely evaded him again. "You're not in physical pain or anything though?"

Aware of the irony that I couldn't tell me (ex?) best friend about my fears of losing them, I responded "I don't want to talk about it right now."

He still sounded worried, but in addition to truly not wanting to bring up the whole topic at 3 in the morning, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't appreciate having to deal with the subject when he was headed out the door to shop for groceries. "Will you email me tonight?" I asked. I might have sounded like I was begging. I hope not...

"Yeah. I'll email you as soon as I come home" He replied. I felt a little better, but the essence of the problem still lingered.

When I turned on my computer this morning, I wondered if I would find an email from him. "Of course I will," I thought. "He said he would do it, and he sounded worried."

I was wrong, there was no email.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

But it's never something serious

It's gotten to the point, as I've said before, where I no longer worry for boyfriend's safety if he doesn't call after he says he will. Everytime I get frustrated when he doesn't follow through on a phone call or email, I think "What if something happened to him? He could be dead or in the hospital right now. You would feel like such a bitch if something happened to him." But that thought is immediately swept away by the plethora of examples of how safe and healthy boyfriend has always been when he didn't follow through.

So when boyfriend said "Can I call you right back?" and then didn't call for over thirty minutes, I was reminded of the last time this happened ("Oops, I forgot. Sorry"). I decided not to call him, and was glad that I actually wasn't angry at him. If he didn't call me back, it didn't matter. I have a life too.

So I was surprised when he called me nearly an hour later and told me that he had lost control of his car and slid down a hill in the snow, and had to get help in order to get home.

Oops.