I kept promising "boyfriend" I would email him what I wanted over the break. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted him to just change his mind.
I took a nap on Sunday and dreamt that "boyfriend" dumped me through one of my best friends and told me he didn't want me to come visit him... ever. And then showed up and flirted with other girls in front of me. I woke up feeling sick and when I looked at my phone saw that he had called while I was asleep. I texted him: "I just had a bad dream about you." He wrote back "What happened?" I briefly explained, and then he called me. He said he would call me at 10 when he got off work, and I promised to send an email to him so he could read it before he called.
I drafted the, then called my dad because I had no idea if the email made sense. It basically said that I wanted him to change his mind and we could work something out, and if he wasn't going to change his mind I wasn't willing to be his sort-of girlfriend for a month before I returned to school. I read the email to him over the phone and waited for his response, which was that I wasn't acknowledging the choice he had already made: to break up.
When I got off the phone, I realized that this was true: I was acting as though he had said "I'm going to think about breaking up with you." Why wasn't I taking him seriously? Maybe because of the fact that he continued to send me texts that said "I miss you" and told me "I love you" and "I still want to be with you." Maybe because he kept telling me that he wanted to see me for Christmas and give me the 3 year anniversary present and visit me for when I get my surgery. I mean, is that something that an ex does if they really want to break up?
Well, even if he couldn't decide what he wanted, that wouldn't be good enough for me. I wanted someone who was sure they wanted to be with me. And if they didn't, they should back the fuck off. How selfish is it to break up with somebody and then say "I still want to be with you?" I'm going to say VERY.
My internet wasn't working, so I texted him to tell him that we could just talk on the phone. When he called, he wasn't sure how to start the conversation, so I did.
"I just want to know what you want for after the break."
"I want to be open to anything, and have a relationship that's low maintenance. Like, if we don't talk every day it would be fine."
I was puzzled. Had he broken up with me because he thought I was stubborn and didn't want to work on anything? "I'd be willing to work out a way for us to be together and have both of us be happy," I offered. "As long as we don't see other people I'm open to anything."
Apparently that was the one thing he wanted to change. He wanted us to be able to date other people, which is what he had meant by "open to anything." (so... not new sex positions)
"Well then I guess I can't be with you," I responded. "In any capacity."
I told him I wouldn't date him over the break (that's confusing), I wouldn't be a "sort of" girlfriend. I told him I wouldn't wait for a year and a half to be with him, if that's what he thought was going to happen.
"No," he said, "I don't expect you to. I wouldn't wait for you either."
Whoa. I know it's probably true, but did I ask him to wait for me? No. Did he
break up with me
? Yes. So why did he feel it necessary to throw that at me? Not cool.
"Um, okay" I responded. We then agreed to see each other once while I'm in town, to say goodbye.
"I feel bad that I can't come see you for Christmas" he confessed at one point.
"Why?" I asked, very annoyed. He breaks up with me and then feels guilty for not spending time with me?
"You said it would mean a lot to you," he said.
Ah, yes. I had said that while I was drunk on the phone with him after he offered
to come see me. Back when I thought he was going to change his mind.
"It's okay" I told him.
"I just have work on Christmas Eve until 5pm and then family stuff. I have two
families." He clearly felt the need to make excuses.
"So do I," I reminded him. "And I spent Christmas with you two years."
"Yeah, well I came to visit you at your dad's for Thanksgiving in North Carolina that one time," he countered.
"Once!" I responded angrily. "And I spent $380 on a flight to come see you for our 3 year anniversary!"
Sounding disgusted, he replied "Let's not turn this into a contest over who has spent more time and money on the other."Yeah, because you'll lose
, I thought. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all of that."
He accepted my apology (sort of) without offering his own, and then we got on to particulars. "I come home the 28th and the 30th. My mom's birthday is the 28th."
"Okay, so I'll see you on the 30th then." I wanted to get off the phone with him.
He seemed confused by this, as though he was considering spending time with me on his mom's birthday. And then: "Do you still want me to come down for your surgery on the 5th?"
Seriously? "I don't know," I said, "if you want to come you can, but I'm not asking you to."
"Okay, good. I'm going to come then," he said. Maybe he would feel like he had broken up with me less if he showed me he still cared about me in some way. Or maybe he really still cares about me and doesn't realize what it means to be an ex boyfriend.
We both realized we had nothing much to talk about. "Until the 30th," I asked, "do you want to talk, or what?" I asked.
"I don't know," he responded irritably, "I don't have all the answers. This is as new to me as it is to you."
What the fuck ever
, I thought. I was just asking him what he wanted
. You know, to be considerate? We said a few things and then when we were about to get off the phone, he said nervously "So do you want to talk at all before the 30th?"
Seriously? Didn't you just
yell at me for asking you the same question? "I don't know," I said quickly, "you can call me or email if you want and I'll do the same if I want." I already knew that I wouldn't be doing it.
"Is there anything else you want to say?" He asked.
"I guess not, you?"
"Wait," I said right before we hung up. "I want to make sure that a few things are clear." Even though I thought I had covered it, I didn't want to take any chances. "I can't have you doing things that are confusing. We can't be together during the break because it's confusing. We can't kiss or anything like that because it's confusing." I started to tear up at this point. "And, hearing you say sweet things is beautiful and all, but it really ruins my life so you can't do that anymore."
"Like what?" He asked.
"Things like 'I love you,' 'I miss you,'" I tried to think of more to add, things that he would text me all the time. " 'you're pretty,'" I realized how easily I could cross the line into things like "Bruce misses you."
But he cut me off after 'you're pretty.' "I get it," he said, sounding pissed off. I hadn't even said anything out of line!
We got off the phone and I tried to hold back tears while AW (who was visiting and had been watching a movie during our phone call) walked over to give me a hug. She pulled out a bottle of apple cider and I bitched for a while.
"Boyfriend" didn't email or text or call for a while. I wasn't torn to pieces like I had been in October when he asked for an open relationship. That one had surprised me. This one, I was ready for and agreed with. He didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated, he wanted other things, and I wasn't okay with that. I was glad he had helped me see it so much more clearly than when we were together, when he insisted that his feelings for me grew deeper every day and he would love me forever even when it was a lie.
On Wednesday, I was at my computer creating my new blog when I got an IM from him. I considered ignoring it but didn't. He told me what was going on with him, (Loser 1 kicking Loser 2 out of their house, etc) and I responded minimally. Then he said:
"...sorry...i just needed to get this stuff off my chest, and i know things aren't going well with us, but i still feel like i can talk to you, and i want to"
It came out of the blue and I was nowhere near expecting it. "Things aren't going well with us"? That's what you say when you're in a fight. Things are over with us, I corrected. In my head. I wrote simply
Then he said he had to go and that he would talk to me soon.
The more I thought about his little apology, the more angry I got. You can't break up with someone and then go to them to tell all your problems. I'm not a shoulder to lean on when it's convenient while you go fuck other people. Just because you're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't mean that you can act like you're my boyfriend when it suits you.
At least I know what's what now and I've got some clarity. Time for my new blog!